And the Aliens are still SAFE

 

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car.
Both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it;
I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection
and the light was red again and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red
but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road
and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough,
the light was definitely red and they went right through
and she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!
You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh, am I driving?"

 

 

A big Texan is walking down the main street of Ballinclashett
and encounters Liam standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse.
This prompts the Texan to attempt to realize a lifelong dream
and he says to Liam,
"Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there,
and I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights
and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days.
I'll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want."

Liam says, "O sure but you don't want to be messin with this horse,
he don't look too good these days."
"Hey, Boy," says the Texan,
"Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what isn't.
I been tradin' horses all my life long
and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em.
Now you jes name yer price and we'll get along fine."
"I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister
and ye don't want any part of him, " says Liam.
The Texan is getting angry now.
"Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin
and what's not and jes give me the price
and I'll pay cash right here and now."
"Oh well," says Liam, "Two-thousand dollars then."
"Deal!" says the Texan and he hands over the money,
Liam unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.
The horse walks smack into the first lamp post in the way,
and the Texan turns to Liam and says,
"Hey, Boy, you a durned swindler,
you didn't tell me this here horse was blind!"
"I keep tellin' you he don't look too good," says Liam,
"and you kept saying that's none of my business,
so in the end I gave up."

 

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable.
The three of them decide to duck inside.
On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.
"Jesus Christ!" he says.
Joseph says,
"Quick, Mary,
write that down!
It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"

 

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What's 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it.
Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends,
who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly,
"Not only did I get the job,
I'm already working on a murder case!"

 

Okay so an older Indian is walking some animals into town, ca 1860 or so, when a trickster comes upon them: a horse, a dog and several sheep. Trickster is also a ventriloquist and decides to have a bit of fun with the Indian.

Hey Chief---I can talk to your animals, would you like to hear what they're thinking, sure says the Indian. Trickster asks the horse How's the Chief treating you these days?

Horse says he works me a bit hard but does feed and water me regularly and I have a warm place to sleep but wishes he'd get new shoes more often. Chief smiles, knowing the horse is mostly speaking the truth.

Trickster asks the dog much the same thing, dog says he has no big complaints but would like a bit more play time, could use a hug or two now and again.......Chief smiles again, dog also speaking mostly the truth. By now the Chief is very impressed with the Trickster, thinking he just might have a gift.

Just about then the Trickster asks the sheep same question....

Chief almost goes into shock and screams out "Sheep lie, sheep lie!!"

 

............

 

One more and I hope I'm all done.........

Tough guy has one Bad Hombre fighting pit bull, has to keep him on a log chain coz he's just that strong. Walking into a bar known for other fighting dogs he boasts how bad azz his dog is, will offer any other dog owner whose animal can beat his $100,000, throws the money on a table. This dog is straining at his log chain, chewing tables and chair into bits, the gathered crowd taken aback at just how ferocious he is---they remain quiet, no one even looking up, taunting them all for a fight until...........

A wimpy little guy all the way in the back meekly raises a hand, says he'll take that bet. Tough guy storms over to stare this challenger straight in the face, glaring menacingly at this tiny Poindexter-looking guy. At the guy's feet was this horrendously ugly thing, barely 24" tall, oddly shaped muzzle and not much of a tail and some sort of yellow or so color. Tough guys laughs, says the wimpy guy doesn't even have to cover the bet, just let their dogs meet up and have at it. So off to the back alley, the wimpy guy pretty much dragging his animal, Tough guy's dog ready to go, straining at his log chain leash.

Once in the alley each guy turns their animals loose, the pit bull tearing straight at the yellow thing and all hell breaks loose. There's so much dust, commotion, blood, body parts flying around the crowd can't really see what's going on---they just know it ain't going well for the wimpy guy's whatever. When the dust settles the pit bull is in pieces so small it was tough to know what it was ever a full sized dog. The yellow thing is just kinda laying still, not even breathing hard. Tough guy is devastated, crowd is stunned, amazed and start cheering for the "under dog", knowing you can't judge a book by its cover---or a fighting dog by mere appearance alone.

As the Tough guy is counting out the money he asks wimpy guy just what the hell kinda dog he has---he's gonna get him one of those ASAP. Wimpy guy pockets the money, kinda chuckles and says "he ain't no dog----'fore I cut off his tail and painted him yellow he was an alligator!"

BTW I think Jim Croce wrote a song about that "dog"!

Apologies if those are too lame---always thought they were both kinda funny.

 

thas an **** probe sure nuff !

Saw this today, Blue Fuel

 

Y.B. may have once said, "if they slept wid me, they most likely slept with a lot !"

 

a TRUE **** ALIEN PROB !

A young married couple moves into a new apartment and decides to repaper the dining room.

They call on a neighbor who has a dining room the same size and ask,
"How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you papered your dining room?”
“Seven,” he says.
So the couple buys seven rolls of expensive paper,
and they start papering.
When they get to the end of the fourth roll,
the dining room is finished.
Annoyed, they go back to the neighbor and say,
“We followed your advice,
but we ended up with three extra rolls!”
“So,” he says,
“that happened to you too.”

 

Is so quiet and peaceful. I can imagine I hear water trickle !

that’s an alien bloom on the wall !