Even aliens don't want to mess with this s***!

 

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves,
when Ted walks in looking distressed.
"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk,
and then somewhere between here and my house,
I was abducted by an alien?"
Everyone is shocked.
"I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bills says.
"What did the alien do to you?"
"I don't remember all the details," Ted says.
"All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."
Everyone is horrified.
"I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says.
"What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "Carl."

 

A blind singer man and a Pro Golfer are in a bar.
The Pro turns to the Singer and says, "How is the singing career going?"
The Singer says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10,
so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."
The Pro replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money.
I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it,
then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says the Blind Singer
"You play golf!?" asks the Pro and the blind Singer says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."
"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks. "
I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me.
I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him,
then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Jack wondered. "Well," says Stevie,
"I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"
"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

 

^^^^ Now THAT is funny!

I knew there was a punch line coming but never anticipated that one!

 

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.
When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"
"You mean JC?", responds the alien.
"Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he?
He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".
Surprised, the pope follows up with:
"He visits every year?!
It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"

The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize.
"Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"
The pope retorts "Chocolates?
What are you talking about?
What does that have to do with anything?"
The alien says "Yea,
when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates!
Why? What did you guys do?"

 

LOL! If aliens know what's good for them, they will stay far away from us. Just for their own sanity.

 

Earthlings should grow more Carrots ! ♥♥♥

 

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for...
It is about time you became informed:

A ... Almost *****
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake

 

Two aliens land at a deserted gas station.
They climb out of their space ship and all they can see is a gas pump.
The first alien looks right at the gas pump and says “Take me to your leader”.
Not surprisingly the gas pump says nothing.The alien repeats
“Take me to you leader or I’ll shoot”.
Again, no response from the gas pump.
The second alien warns his friend that this is a bad idea.
Frustrated the first alien says “Last chance,
take me to you leader before I shoot.”
His friend warns more strongly that this is a bad idea.
Having lost his patience,
the first alien pulls out his blaster and shoots the gas pump.
There is a huge explosion and the two of them go flying through the air lading 100 feet away.
As they’re laying on the ground the first alien looks at the other and says
“How did you know that was a bad idea?”
His friend replied, “Any guy who can take his *****, wrap it around his head,
and then shove it in his ear is a Really-Really bad SOB!"

 

 

First heard this one about 30 some years ago---still funny and kinda sorta safe for work.

 

Aliens land and meet with the National Guard
Alien talks with national guard about world hunger
Leader of the guard responds"not enough money"

Alien leader asks about all the worlds peoples with no homes
Guard leader responds "not enough money."

Alien asks how can these poor, starving people make money
Guard Leader responds, "we print it"

Aliens get back in their Saucer and head back home
Remarking "these clearly are not intelligent beings"
"they aim their weapons at each other" !

 

Well; and the Alien Race sent a huge manned Saucer Constellation to the place Called Earth in the Milky Way.
Well; and the Alien Crew Welcomed the Earth persons and gave them the gifts of Love and Peace to all.
Well; and the commander of the Guard ordered the Crew all confined to Cells in Cuba as Terrorists !
Well; and the Commander ordered the Huge Saucer Studied and found its Controls locked by a Coded Pass Word.
Well; and the Commander ordered a huge building built over the entire 1/4 mile Saucer and it chained in place in Concrete.

After many months the Alien race sent another Huge Saucer Sagittarius a limited crew number mostly Robotic Ship to the place Called Earth to Enquire of the Constellation

Well; and after many Light years of travel the Aliens arrived on the Earth Place bearing gifts of free will and Self Awareness
Well; and the new Commander of the Guard ordered the Crew (this time only 2) to be confined to cells in Cuba
Well; after some time the Commander found the Controls of the Saucer locked by a Coded Pass Word
Well; and the Commander studied the records of the first Site of meeting the Aliens and decided to have the Sagittarius disassembled and studies made pieces by pieces.
Well; and those Scientific studies allowed for the vastly improved advances of the Earthly Civilization and great wealth was bestowed on the few
Well; many Centuries passed and the Earthly benefits began to wain at some extant.

Once again the Alien Race sent a Saucer named Intrepid to the place called Earth in the Galaxy called Milky Way.

Well; after many light years it reached the region in the Galaxy known to occupy Earth
Well; and the Command line in the Intrepid ordered the release of an Object to Orbit the major Star
Well; and it broadcast all the known Music of the Place called earth
Well; U see that second ships systems contained free will and awareness and the place called earth was then voided of all the gas products.

 

A guy had planned a fishing trip to his favorite fishing spot.

He packed and began the trip to the water.

He launched his boat, motored to his honey hole, and began fishing.

In no time, he caught the biggest bass he’d ever caught.

He cast out again and was delighted to catch an even larger Bass.

Every cast, he caught a trophy fish.

Then his mobile phone rang; it was the hospital telling him his wife had been admitted to the emergency room.

She may die, they told him.

The fisherman is worried, but he wants to catch the world record Bass, so he decides to have just a few more casts.

He pulls in three more really huge Fish but his conscience begins to get the better of him, so he reluctantly pulls anchor and motors back to his car to go to the hospital.

Running into the emergency room, he meets up with a stern-looking doctor.

The doctor sees the man dressed for fishing and scolds the husband: “Your wife has been at death’s door for hours now. You kept fishing after you were called, didn’t you? You ought to be ashamed!”

The fisherman sobbed it was true.

“Well,” said the doc, “I hope you had a good time; your wife will survive, but your fishing days are over…

She will require constant care from now on… 24 hours per day. You will have to do everything for her.”

The fisherman sobbed, “Oh God, I didn’t think it was that bad, I feel terrible!!!!”

The doc grinned and nudged the fisherman with his elbow…

”Just kidding, buddy… she’s dead. Was the fishing that good ? How about we go out now together and have no regrets over it "!

 

SN9 may launch in about 40 minutes. The Alien relocation module is fully autonomous and preloaded in the nose. All systems go with fuel venting visible. Aliens are freaking cause Magnetism/anti grave unit measurements are very low.