The Safe for GNAC Joke Thread!!!
Fleet Owner
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 26,156
Likes: 4,149
From: Near Cal. Avenue
A guy from Guinness Brewery sits down at the Bar and says,
"Give me a Coke."
The others in the bar gather & hear, that and ask,
"Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Brewery guy replies,
"Well, if you guys aren't gonna drink a beer, neither will I."
"Give me a Coke."
The others in the bar gather & hear, that and ask,
"Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Brewery guy replies,
"Well, if you guys aren't gonna drink a beer, neither will I."
Fleet Owner
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 26,156
Likes: 4,149
From: Near Cal. Avenue
The nurse says to the patient,
“I do not know what came over to me."
"On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I
promise that it won't happen again."
Now, what seems to be the problem?”
“It's swollen”, the patient replied.
“I do not know what came over to me."
"On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I
promise that it won't happen again."
Now, what seems to be the problem?”
“It's swollen”, the patient replied.
Fleet Owner
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 26,156
Likes: 4,149
From: Near Cal. Avenue
If the lord had Voice call waiting ;
Thank you for calling heaven.
I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
The Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you for calling heaven.
I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
The Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Fleet Owner
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 26,156
Likes: 4,149
From: Near Cal. Avenue
To resolve conflicts between management and staff,
I brought both sides together and
asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart.
One participant complained about management’s
tendency to interfere and wrote the word nitpicking.
A manager leaped to his feet to ask,
“Shouldn’t there be a hyphen between nit and picking?”
I brought both sides together and
asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart.
One participant complained about management’s
tendency to interfere and wrote the word nitpicking.
A manager leaped to his feet to ask,
“Shouldn’t there be a hyphen between nit and picking?”
Fleet Owner
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 26,156
Likes: 4,149
From: Near Cal. Avenue
Everyone was seated around the table
as the food was being served.
When little Logan received his plate,
he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer,"
his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted,
"we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house,"
Logan explained,
"but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
as the food was being served.
When little Logan received his plate,
he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer,"
his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted,
"we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house,"
Logan explained,
"but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
Fleet Owner
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 26,156
Likes: 4,149
From: Near Cal. Avenue
Guy thinks for a long time about what each woman had done
for the money, and then he selects the one with the largest breasts.
for the money, and then he selects the one with the largest breasts.
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Fleet Owner
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 26,156
Likes: 4,149
From: Near Cal. Avenue
Bob, p[ulled over for speeding on the turnpike.
Leo asks for Bob's license and says,
"You don't even look like you have a job!"
I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob and said,
"What kind of job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched,
so, I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers,
then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two.
Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked,
"What the hell do you do with a six-foot Rectum?"
Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"
Leo asks for Bob's license and says,
"You don't even look like you have a job!"
I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob and said,
"What kind of job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched,
so, I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers,
then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two.
Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked,
"What the hell do you do with a six-foot Rectum?"
Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"
^^^^^ Good stuff Papa...thanks for keeping this thread alive. Hope others are enjoying your stuff.
Fleet Owner
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 21,253
Likes: 1,656
From: Reynoldsburg, Ohio
Fleet Owner
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 26,156
Likes: 4,149
From: Near Cal. Avenue
Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of a skyscraper.
Both were bending their elbows at a steady rate.
The first man said, "You know, there's such an updraft on the outside of this building,
that if you jump off, you'll fall for a bit, but the updraft will catch you,
and bring you right back up to this balcony.
The second guy said, "I don't believe it, you'll have to prove this to me."
So the first guy goes over the balcony and jumps off.
He falls and falls and falls, and then he slows in mid drop,
and begins rising back up. Finally, he lightly steps back onto the balcony.
"See, I told you," he says.
The second guy says, "I've got to try that."
So he jumps off the balcony, and falls and falls and falls and falls.
Finally, splat on the ground.
The first guy returns to the bar and orders another drink.
As he serves the drink, the bartender says,
"You're a mean drunk, Superman."
Both were bending their elbows at a steady rate.
The first man said, "You know, there's such an updraft on the outside of this building,
that if you jump off, you'll fall for a bit, but the updraft will catch you,
and bring you right back up to this balcony.
The second guy said, "I don't believe it, you'll have to prove this to me."
So the first guy goes over the balcony and jumps off.
He falls and falls and falls, and then he slows in mid drop,
and begins rising back up. Finally, he lightly steps back onto the balcony.
"See, I told you," he says.
The second guy says, "I've got to try that."
So he jumps off the balcony, and falls and falls and falls and falls.
Finally, splat on the ground.
The first guy returns to the bar and orders another drink.
As he serves the drink, the bartender says,
"You're a mean drunk, Superman."
Fleet Owner
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 26,156
Likes: 4,149
From: Near Cal. Avenue
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and,
in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways,
I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.
"The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.
The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife.
I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says‘nothing's wrong,
" and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied,
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and,
in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways,
I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.
"The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.
The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife.
I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says‘nothing's wrong,
" and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied,
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Fleet Owner
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 24,318
Likes: 5,128
From: 0,0,1
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush it, don't flush it!"
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush it, don't flush it!"