Is Honesty Always The Best Policy?

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...................

 

 

A contestant Sally, on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well, blonde. But she had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly, 'that's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
'I need an answer,' said Meredith.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'
'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
And Meredith replied, 'that answer is.... Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
'Joni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde. 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

 

 

Eight-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Frank."

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.

"My name is no longer Mohammad. I'm in Ireland now and my name is Frank."

"What?" she said. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him..

Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day when Mohammad returned to school the teacher saw all of his bruises.

"What happened to you, Frank?" she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming Irish I was attacked by two freaking Arabs.

 

Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?

 

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the > first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money? Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the ***** to pull the trigger!"

 

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear
very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant
and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has
a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an
excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male
customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder,
"Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing
below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the
elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

 

A blonde girl walks into a parts store and tells the guy at the counter:

"My boyfriend sent me to pick up a Poly Vinyl Chloride Valve for his Chevy Avalanche..."

*Her boyfriend was ALSO a blonde


The next day she was back and said:

"My boyfriend said he also needs a CV Joint for his truck."

After a few seconds she asked:

"Does California really recycle these?"

 

 

 

"Mmmm! Bacon..."


I don't know why it is - but packages that sinus and allergy - or arthritis medicines come in are the most frustrating things I can think of. Consider the scenario:

You don't feel good to begin with. Your nose is running, eyes tearing - and something in your nose is itching real bad so you have to sneeze pretty soon guaranteed. You prolly wiped your nose so many times it is now sore from being rubbed with the half of a full grown trees worth of tissues you have used up - and the cardboard box seems to have twice as much glue holding the flap down on it, with no obvious easy-open flap in sight (if you can see at this point). If you are strong enough you can always rip the whole box in half, and what spills out is a pair of clear plastic bubble packaged trays of pills that apparently push out through the back.

Because the box has now been destroyed you peer intently through your glasses while holding the ripped edges together - and you find that the print is so small you need a magnifying glass to figure out what the dosage is.

After straining to punch at least one pill or capsule out the back of the little plastic sheet (if they were gel caps, they are now crushed and the contents are smeared all over the inside of the plastic bubble) you realize that there is a paper sheet glued to the back of the whole thing that has to be peeled away first - but once again there is no sign of a free corner to get hold of, so you pick around it carefully with a knife you can't see either because of your runny eyes and nose.

This is about the time that your significant other (if you have one) wants to know why you use such foul disgusting language where the kids can all hear it.....

Dimly, in the back of your mind it occurs to you that you are the victim of what is called "Child Proof Packaging". If you have any sense left at that moment you demand that the dear lady send you one of those very same children at once - and she will of course want to know why this is too. So you tell her:

"Because they are the only living things on this entire planet who can quickly and easily gain access to what is inside one of these infernal contraptions!!!"

* And if she is at all like mine was, she will say "GIVE ME THAT!" and calmly cut it open with a pair of kitchen scissors that were in a drawer right next to you

 

Great story Dutch!!! I can relate all too well!!!

 

The irate customer calling the newspaper office,
loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY!

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone,
followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,
"Well, darn, that explains why no one was at church either."