Three soldiers had just been released from the Army. To celebrate, they decided to take a helicopter ride around the town. The first soldier was eating a banana. "Hmmm...I wonder....if we throw this peel out the helicopter, will we see it land?" The other 2 soldiers shrugged and said go ahead and throw it out. They watched with anticipation, but they didn't see it land. The second soldier had a rock. He threw it out the helicopter and said, "This is bigger than the peel. We oughta be able to see this land." The soldiers all watched again, but nothing happened. The third soldier pulled out a grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it. "Now we'll see this land." The soldiers watched again...nothing happened. After the ride, the soldiers were walking home. They saw a little girl crying on the sidewalk. "What's wrong?" the soldiers asked. "Well," said the girl, "I was just walking along and slipped on a banana peel that came from nowhere." The soldiers explained what had happened on the helicopter and carried the little girl home. As they were walking along once more they saw a little boy crying on the side of the road. "What's the matter, Son?" "Well," said the little boy, "I was just walking along when a rock hit me on the head." The soldiers again told their story and helped the little boy home. "I wonder what happened with the grenade," said one soldier. "Me too," said another, so the soldiers went running down the road where they saw an old woman laughing hysterically. "Ma'am...what's so funny?" The old woman between giggles said, "Well, I farted and my house blew up.

 

 

Many surnames are derived from occupations.

Fletcher from arrow maker
Cooper from barrel maker
Cunningham from sneaky pig

 

 

The Arkansas D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

 

ohh! Can't believe I fell for that one.

 

My lawn guy was telling me that he's having trouble getting business, so I pointed out several houses in the neighborhood that he should contact. "The guy over there is a pilot and has an odd schedule, check with him. The next house is a single mom and the kids aren't old enough to push the mower. And the owners of those two houses over there are professionals, a genealogist and a gynecologist".

The guy looked at me kinda funny and asked, "are they the same thing?"

"Well, kinda", I said. "One looks up your family tree and the other looks up your family bush".

 

 

Orion's Belt is a big waist of space.

 

My wife tried to take a selfie in the shower but the image came out too blurry.

She has selfie steam issues.

 

 

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a duck.

Stewart

 

The Orion's Belt joke was the best of the three. Still, I only give it 3 stars.

 

The elephant/duck pun makes ya think for a few seconds before it comes to ya. I like those the best.

Stewart

 

A local man was shot more than 200 times with an upholstery gun.

Surgeons say that he's now fully recovered.