The Safe for GNAC Joke Thread!!!
Fleet Owner
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 26,155
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Lil Johnny just stop right there. You wait until your daddy drives home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father drives in the drive and walks through the door to find his wife and Little Johnny with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Lil Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Well; Lil Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."
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From: Reynoldsburg, Ohio
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From: 0,0,1
Fleet Owner
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 24,318
Likes: 5,128
From: 0,0,1
There was this cop that decided to wait outside of a local bar one night because that was were a lot of drunk guys come out of at night to drive home. Well it was closing time and the cop noticed this one guy who came stumbling out and almost fell on the curb. The drunk tried to unlock five cars before he finally found his. The cop thought he would have one here and by this time everyone in the bar as left. When the drunk pulled out the cop pulled him over and said "sir, get out of the car cause you're under arrest for DUI" the cop made the drunk blow a breathalyzer test and the results were 0.0. The cop said how can this be and the drunk guy said "Because I'm the designated decoy!"
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From: 0,0,1
A man decides to go ice-fishing one day. He takes a large auger with him, finds the right spot, and starts drilling. When the hole is almost complete a mystical voice thunders "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!".
The man falls to his knees, looks in every direction, but sees nothing. However, just to be on the safe side he travels about 50 feet and starts a second hole. But just as he is completing the hole the same voice thunders "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!".
Astounded, the man looks all about him, and moves on to make a third hole. Just as he is completing the third hole the same voice thunders "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE. THIS IS THE ARENA MANAGER".
The man falls to his knees, looks in every direction, but sees nothing. However, just to be on the safe side he travels about 50 feet and starts a second hole. But just as he is completing the hole the same voice thunders "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!".
Astounded, the man looks all about him, and moves on to make a third hole. Just as he is completing the third hole the same voice thunders "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE. THIS IS THE ARENA MANAGER".
Junior User
Joined: Feb 2021
Posts: 63
Likes: 9
i'll make it short
little boy and his dad are out for a walk and they see two dogs going at it good. Kid asks "Dad, what are they doing"
flustered Dad decides he better be honest, but the kid is young, so he says "well, they are making puppies"
Kid goes "cool" and never mentions it again
Couple of weeks later, kid wanders into their bedroom late at night, and sure enough, they are going at it
Kid stands there perplexed "DAD ! what are you doing to Mommy" Parents glance at each other and decide to be straight with him
Dad says "well we are making you a little sister or brother"
Kid without hesitation says "dad, can you turn her over, I would much rather have a puppy"
little boy and his dad are out for a walk and they see two dogs going at it good. Kid asks "Dad, what are they doing"
flustered Dad decides he better be honest, but the kid is young, so he says "well, they are making puppies"
Kid goes "cool" and never mentions it again
Couple of weeks later, kid wanders into their bedroom late at night, and sure enough, they are going at it
Kid stands there perplexed "DAD ! what are you doing to Mommy" Parents glance at each other and decide to be straight with him
Dad says "well we are making you a little sister or brother"
Kid without hesitation says "dad, can you turn her over, I would much rather have a puppy"
Fleet Owner
Joined: Mar 2012
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
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From: 0,0,1
Little Johnny walked in late to school only to have his teacher scold him for being late. Little Johnny said, "but I had to stop and check on the dog laying in the street." The teacher asked him why the dog was laying in the street. Little Johnny replied, "because a car came along and hit him in his ***." The teacher wanting to teach Little Johnny some manners said, "you shouldn't say that, you should say rectum." To which Little Johnny replied, "RECTUM, hell it nearly killed him!"
Last edited by alloro; Apr 23, 2021 at 12:07 PM.
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 26,155
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
.
"Whenever the bull tried to mount our cow, she'd move away.
If he approached from the back, she moves forward.
When he approached her from the front, she backs off.
An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded,
they had not mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Illinois."
"Whenever the bull tried to mount our cow, she'd move away.
If he approached from the back, she moves forward.
When he approached her from the front, she backs off.
An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded,
they had not mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Illinois."
Fleet Owner
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 26,155
Likes: 4,149
From: Near Cal. Avenue
Lil Johnny has grown up is 21 and walks into a bar and
sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist.
Well Lil Johnny says to his friend,
“That’s amazing. Where did he come from?”
The friend pulls out an old lamp and
tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish.
Well Little Johnny immediately rubs the bottle, and to his amazement,
a puff of purple smoke spews out and
slowly collects in the form of a genie.
In a booming voice, the genie offers Lil Johnny one wish.
Lil Johnny thinks a bit and says,
“I wish I had a million bucks.”
All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and
the windows, standing on top of the bar,
dunking their heads into people’s drinks.
“What just happened?” Little Johnny asks.
His friend replies, “I know.
Did you really think
I wanted a 12-inch pianist?”
Fleet Owner
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 26,155
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
The teacher tells his students,
“The person who answers my next question
correctly gets to leave class early.”
Suddenly, a pen came flying across the room,
practically hitting the teacher in the face.
“Who threw that?!” the teacher shouted, angrily.
“Me!” piped up Lil Johnny from the back of the classroom.
“Can I leave now?”
“The person who answers my next question
correctly gets to leave class early.”
Suddenly, a pen came flying across the room,
practically hitting the teacher in the face.
“Who threw that?!” the teacher shouted, angrily.
“Me!” piped up Lil Johnny from the back of the classroom.
“Can I leave now?”
Cross-Country
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 87
Likes: 5
From: Lorena, TX
Clifford and Daisy May were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Clifford would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ol' woman!!"
Neighbors feared him. Old Clifford liked the fact that he was feared.
He died at the ripe old age of 98.
After the burial, Daisy May's neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
She replied, "LET HIM DIG. I HAD HIM BURIED UPSIDE DOWN...AND I KNOW HE WON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS."
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Clifford would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ol' woman!!"
Neighbors feared him. Old Clifford liked the fact that he was feared.
He died at the ripe old age of 98.
After the burial, Daisy May's neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
She replied, "LET HIM DIG. I HAD HIM BURIED UPSIDE DOWN...AND I KNOW HE WON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS."
..........
Fleet Owner
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 26,155
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass,
and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time
(weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day Lil Johnny now a 59 year old Senior &
a little man came into the bar,
wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit,
and said in a tiny squeaky voice, Lil Johnny says
“I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said,
“Okay”, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed Tiny Lil Johnny the Lemon rind.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as
Lil Johnny clenched his fist around the lemon and
six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and
asked Tiny Lil Johnny, “What do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”
Lil Johnny replied, “I been working for the IRS.” Since Graduation !
that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass,
and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time
(weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day Lil Johnny now a 59 year old Senior &
a little man came into the bar,
wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit,
and said in a tiny squeaky voice, Lil Johnny says
“I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said,
“Okay”, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed Tiny Lil Johnny the Lemon rind.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as
Lil Johnny clenched his fist around the lemon and
six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and
asked Tiny Lil Johnny, “What do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”
Lil Johnny replied, “I been working for the IRS.” Since Graduation !