A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

 

Tax return!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This story is said to be true: IRS (supposedly) commented on this one.

The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question,..."Do you have anyone dependent on you ?" the man wrote: ... "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads,4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington and the entire group that call themselves Politicians".

The IRS stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.
The man's response back was, ... "Who did I leave out ?

 

<p></p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>and they have still not got back to me..........</p>

 

 

A blonde called her boyfriend over and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

The boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The boyfriend went over to help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be ble to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and continued, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then......", he sighed, ".... let's put all of these Frosted Flakes back into the box."

 

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.

Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don t hit the ducks in your first three months here.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, The ducks?

Yes , St. Peter replies, There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he quacks then the one next to him quacks and soon they re all quacking to beat the band and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you ll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacked, the one next to it quacked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, Who hit the duck?

The guy who had done it admitted, I did.

St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man s right hand to the homely woman s left hand. I told you not to hit the ducks, , he said. Now you ll be handcuffed together for eternity.

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman. St.Peter cuffed the man s right hand to the homely woman s left hand.

I told you not to hit the ducks, he said; Now you ll be handcuffed together for eternity.

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn t even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn t hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and wondered aloud,

I wonder what I did to deserve this?

The woman responds, I don t know about you, but I hit a duck.

 

 

 

A trucker came into a Truck Stop Café and placed his order, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear totally stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “There's a guy out there who just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards... What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No”, the cook laughingly said. “What he wants is three flat tires... means three pancakes; a pair of headlights... is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... are 2 slices of crisp bacon!”

“Oh... OK!”, said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “I didn't order the beans, so what are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, “Well, I kinda thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

 

Be careful not to confuse them!

 

THE WIFE:




A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,sir ."




The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."








Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"





As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"




The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."




As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"




The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '




The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '




The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."




And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '




The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "















"Only when he's been drinking."

 

An 80-year-old Texas farmer goes to a clinic in Dallas for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight in the field plowing and mending fences, and when I'm not doing that, I'm outside. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"
"Who said my father's dead?"
The doctor is amazed, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old Texas boy. "In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning. Then we went to a topless bar for a while and had some beers. That's why he's still alive. He's a Texas farmer. And he's a hunter and fisherman, too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my Grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive?"
"He's 118 years old," says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?"
"No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it, "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"

 

"Who said he wanted to?"

 

There's got to be a few new ones floating around after a 4 month drought

 

I've been posting mostly in the member's forum, but this place does need livening up. So here ya go!