This one isn't a joke, but a true story. I had to paraphrase some of the quotes, but the actual event and what this guy said actually happened!

My Dad's friend was in Canada on business. As he was driving, he thought he was doing everything right, but, nonetheless, was pulled over by a police officer.

"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

"Yeah, 65. That's the speed limit, isn't it?"

"Yes, but you were doing well over that."

"But I was doing exactly the speed limit, officer!!"

Noticing the American accent, the police officer asked him;

"Sir, do you know what 'KPH' on those signs means?"

"Sure I do. Kanadian miles Per Hour!!"

 

Stolen shamelessly from the pages of Reader's Digest...

While in surgery following a heart attack, a middle-aged woman sees a vision of God by her bedside.
"Will I die?" she asks.
God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So while in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injected into her lips. She looks great!!!
The day she's discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live!!!"
"that's true," says God.
"So what happened?"
God shrugs. "I didn't recognize you."

 

 

My wife and I went to a Polynesian restaurant last night. The food was delicious but I found it unsatisfying. An hour after we ate I wanted Samoa.

 

My friend has a first or 2nd year 6.7. we were towing my 05 cclb with the truck camper in back from Montana when the trailer blew a tire. truck was probably 10500 plus the trailer itself. That little factory jack LIFTED THAT TRAILER WITH NO EFFORT AT ALL! Nothing wrong with it. Get over yourself and trying to fix what aint broke

 

I don't get it.

What's the punch line?

Stewart

 

me thinks he may have posted this in the wrong forum.

 

Uh huh.

I guess I didn't use enough smilies, eh?

Stewart

 

And thats another damn reason i hate the "mobile" bloody version.

 

I shot my first turkey today.















Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food department...it was awesome!!!

 

I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new 2019F-150 aluminum pickup.



Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive



I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old.



The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing a “RESIST” lapel pin)

sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its

"wonderful" options.



The seats were of particular interest.



She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and

directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.



Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a

CONSERVATIVE truck.



Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a CONSERVATIVE

truck.



"I explained that if it were a LIBERAL truck, the seats would just

blow smoke up your *** year-round!"



I had to walk back to the dealership but it was worth it.

 

Now that there is funny I don't care who you are.