Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns $1500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?"
Student: "A heart attack."

 

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

 

A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says, "You haven't used the one I got you last year!"

 

A man tells his wife, "Honey, your mom fell down the stairs 15 minutes ago." The wife yells at him, "Why are you just telling me now?" He said, "Because I couldn't stop laughing."

 

A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you." "Okay," replies the 4 year-old. In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, "I'll have Coco Pops, b***h." *WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out. The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, "And what do you want?" "Dunno," he replies, "But it won't be Coco Pops."

 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

 

True story,
I'm working on the car in the front yard before heading to WV. I wanted to check the brakes and my son, who was about 2 1/2 felt the need to help, so he's watching me and the very first lug nut brakes clean off, I said, "son of a b#^-?" Well, the next one turned a little bit and it too snaps off, again I said with even more vigger, "son of a b#^-?"... There is only 4 per wheel so things aren't looking well, anyway the next one came loose and unscrewed. I crank on the last one and it turns, but just continues to spin, "OMG, son of a b#^-?" I exclaim !

After a healthy struggle, some swollen fingers, scratches and couple bruises, along with a few more expletives of course, I get the tire off, check the brakes and get the tire back on, all the while Jeff is watching intently. Well, I look over after I'm finished and there's Jeff, he's got the tire iron and aggressively going for a lug nut on the front tire, when out of his mouth pops, "son of a b#^-?!" Ohh! Nooo!

'If mommy here's that I'm done'... So I hurry to him and explain bad words the best I can and how mommy doesn't like them, all the while changing the subject to pretty birds and colors. About that time my wife says, "supper is ready" and both of us being good listeners march to the house, wash our hands, and pile up to the table. The very first thing I hear is "I want a F#-kn spoon." OMG I uh... er uh...

I immediately jump up and say, I told you mommy doesn't like bad words ! My wife shouts,
"Sit Down ! He said he want's a fork and spoon, and you Mr., better watch your mouth"...

 

torq'ta .5.8...a lot of oldies but goodies...keep 'em coming!!!

 

 

So Romeo is my missing Lab.

 

In this world of calculators, smart phones, and computers that sometimes don't work right I am compelled to keep my old abacus, at least I know I can count on it.

 

 

 

That seems left.... .......

 

I've still got my old slide rule, too, though it might take more than a lifetime to actually find it.

Bank in 1980 I bought an inexpensive "programmer's calculator" from Target (I think) for under $10. Everyone that I knew that had one had an expensive HP (at least $40 back then).