The Safe for GNAC Joke Thread!!!
Hotshot
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 11,537
Likes: 27
From: Long Beach, Ms.
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.
The patrolman said, "I see you are from Texas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.
The patrolman said, "I see you are from Texas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"
Post Fiend
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 14,325
Likes: 14
From: Island Southeast Alaska
Immediate crash diet. Pull The Freaking Pin. Boom!!! No bomb and no ***.
Problem solved.
Problem solved.
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Hotshot
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 11,537
Likes: 27
From: Long Beach, Ms.
A Little Three Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet.
His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What's Up.
The Little Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet Reading A Book.
But About Every 10 Seconds Or So He Puts The Book Down, Grips Onto To The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hits Himself On Top Of The Head With His Right Hand.
His Mother Says: "Billy, Are You All Right? You've been in here for a while...
Billy Says: "I'm Fine, Mommy.. I Just Haven't Gone 'doody' Yet."
Mother Says: "OK, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes.
But, Billy, why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"
Billy Says: "Works For Ketchup."
His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What's Up.
The Little Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet Reading A Book.
But About Every 10 Seconds Or So He Puts The Book Down, Grips Onto To The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hits Himself On Top Of The Head With His Right Hand.
His Mother Says: "Billy, Are You All Right? You've been in here for a while...
Billy Says: "I'm Fine, Mommy.. I Just Haven't Gone 'doody' Yet."
Mother Says: "OK, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes.
But, Billy, why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"
Billy Says: "Works For Ketchup."
Hotshot
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 13,011
Likes: 742
From: Here in No. Calif
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no...get away from me...you’re a sicko!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered,
"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no...get away from me...you’re a sicko!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered,
"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
Hotshot
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 11,537
Likes: 27
From: Long Beach, Ms.
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."