^^^^ LOL So El Toro was the victor that day----too funny!

 

tHIS IS SOME CRAZY STUFF

 

A highly timid little man,
ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and
clearing his throat asked,
"Um, err, which of you gentlemen
owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers,
his body hair growing out through the seams,
turned slowly on his stool,
looked down at the quivering little man and
said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man,
obviously very nervous,
"I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief.
"What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man,
"it's a little four week old female puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker,
"how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

 

The newly elected Leader is having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff.
The topic is an impending alien invasion, and
more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”
CIA director says: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”
Leader says,: “Really? Come on man.
I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”
DOD director says: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately,
we may find ourselves in serious trouble,
The Leader responds, “Now you’re just being dramatic.
I’ve dealt with these greys for nearly 10 years and
they’ve never caused me any problems”
CIA director: “Sir, whilst that may be so, if we don’t take action against them now, we could all die”
Leader says,: “Well personally, I think this is ridiculous, but
you guys know more about this stuff than me so I’m just gunna trust you on this one”
All the chiefs of staff let out a sigh of relief and
started preparing for their mission when the Leader yells out to his wife, "you were right Honey"
"Go get me that bottle of you bought me on my 40th” (Vodka)

 

Got one similar I always found funny..........

Guy walks into another biker bar where dog fighting is known to be held, a few patrons standing around discussing their particular animals, one mild-mannered guy some what standing off by himself, sipping a beer. Huge leather-clad loud mouth storms in with a Jackel/Doberman mix, snarling, snapping and just a fearful beast to be sure. He challenges anyone in the bar to put their dogs against his, he'll offer $100,000 to anyone who could defeat his. The on-lookers were a bit intimidated, looked away pulling their dogs close to them.

After a few more challenges from the loud mouth the mild mannered guy in the back meekly raises his hand, says he thinks he has a dog that can do the trick. Loud mouth accepts the challenge, they agree to meet out back of the bar so they all proceed to the alley. The Jackel/Doberman knowing he's about to have another win is lunging at his log chain leash, the loud mouth snickering fully thinking his $100,000 is safe in his pocket.

A short while the mild mannered guy comes into the alley dragging a horribly U-G-L-Y mustard colored dog with such short legs he can't walk fast enough---he's so calm most think he's already dead. Loud mouth laughs uncontrollably, says let 'em loose and his hound descends upon the hapless soon-to-be next victim. The ensuing melee is so chaotic it raises a dust the gathered folks can't see through the cloud. Body parts, bits of fur and lord knows what else occasionally come flying out of that cloud--onlooking crowd fear the worst.

When it's all over the mustard dog is pretty much unscathed, the only signs of a fight was he was slightly covered in blood, a bit of the Jackel/Doberman's body still in his mouth. Everyone in the alley were stunned, the dejected loud mouth mourns loss of his animal, counts out the money but begs the mild mannered guy "What the f'ing kind of dog is THAT exactly???"

Mild mannered guy, counting his money says: "Well, before I hacksawed off his tail and painted him yellow he was an alligator!"

Thank ya, thank ya---I'll be here all week, remember to tip your waitresses!

 

↑↑

 

Lil Johnny is all grown up, married and
his wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs.
Suddenly, Lil Jonny bursts into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once!"
"TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK together! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
lil Johnny's wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
Lil Johnny calmly replied,
"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

 

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends,
so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
Kentucky back country ?
As I was not familiar with the backwoods,
I got lost and, being a typical truck driver,
I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and
saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and
the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and
crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and
looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and
began to gather around. I played out my heart and
soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car,
I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and
I've been putting in
septic tanks for twenty years."

 

 

NASA experiments with animals in space.
Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience.
Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared.
It seemed the only animal that could cope
with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat named A"OOP's.
After a few months of testing and training[size=13px], A'OOP's
is ready for his first mission, a journey to Saturn's Moon Titan
to discover if life is sustainable there....[/size]
The rocket prepares for take off....5...4...3...2...1...
BLAST OFF!!...and
POW, A"OOP"s bursts through Earth's atmosphere and
begins his journey as the first feline in outer space.
A few weeks go by, and after a while A'OOP's starts to get bored.
He spots a red dot in the distance, and
although he tries to resist the temptation, he sets the shuttle on a new course.
Before Houston could stop him, he lands on Mars.
Houston sends a probe to investigate what the hell A"OOP's is up to and
why he decided to venture so far off course.
The probe gets to Mars and finds tracks,
which lead it to an area of wreckage and signs of a fight.
A'OOP's is utterly dead, torn to pieces in fact, and
a robot once sent to explore Mars, covered in fur, blood and guts!
It was clear... Curiosity killed A'OOP's !

 

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

 

Two Aliens come to our Planet

They are greeted by armed forces.
They inform us that our inferior weapons don't stand a chance against them.
The only way they will let us go is if we can make them laugh.
However, they have seen all jokes there are on the internet and
Only new original joke will work on them.
Humanity gathers the greatest comedians and
scientists to come up with an original joke but everyone's opinion on what is a good joke turns out to be at conflict.
Furious, one scientist proclaims that we have to know which of our earlier jokes the Aliens at least found funny.
All the comedians and scientists agree on this.
So a scientist goes to talk with the Aliens and
ask them which of our old jokes they laughed at the most. The Aliens respond.
Aliens: "The one where this reality tv star becomes the ruler of the free world"
The scientist is taken aback and thinks for a second before responding.
Scientist: "But that wasn't a joke. That actually happened"
The Aliens burst out laughing and leave the planet without saying a word.

 

Shhh---don't share this in The Club----the uproar and outrage would be deafening!

 

In Case You Wondered, Yes, Ancient Aliens is Bulls**t (factfiend.com)

Over and over Astronauts groups are sent to Mars & die out cause of Earth wars and no resupply but finally Mars launches an attack on Earth and Earth dies out. So eventually Mars Dies out. The Proof is Stupid cannot be Fixed !

 

What did the alien Teenage Lil Johnny say to his Parents the other day ?
Teenager Alien Lil Johnny said, “My life doesn't just revolve around you!”!
.