what a way to start the morning

 

If you don't laugh at this one, you're dead!

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,
'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

 

Kap, thats funny, i havn't heard from you in awhile..............

 

Ditto....I missed him posting this stuff...LOL

 

Been lurking around here mostly.
Luckily I haven't had any real issues with my F150 but I haven't been driving it much either. I do have a speed control issue that I'll need to get around to.

 

I miss posting here too. I almost felt like I abandoned you guys. I'll have to get busy again.

 

This was in the Washington Post...the title of the article was 'Best
Come Back Line Ever.'

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old
male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was
charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and
public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his
way home from a drinking session he decided to stop.

You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one
around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around'; he
stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose; cut
a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was
really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer
Brenda Taylor approached him.

It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor.
'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence.

I said, 'Excuse me sir but do you realize that you're having sex with a
pumpkin?

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then he
looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin? S#!t .... Is
it midnight already?'

 

Kap now thats funny too, you should "come" around more often, Gig

 

Time sure fly's when you're having fun!

 

An Irish woman of a "certain age" visited her doctor to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"No a problem", replied the doctor. "Drop it in his coffee, he won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

A week later she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid, just terrible, Doctor".

"Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with this pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped my clothes and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean you didn't enjoy it?"

"Of course I did doctor! Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again!"

 

Another primo laugh there Kap, good one, hehehe

 

^^^^^^^^^

 

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed
he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went
back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of
your collar.


Subject: psychic daughter

A father put his three
year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which
she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy,
God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma
and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy,
God Bless Daddy
and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid
is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy
and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at
the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had
lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until
midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every
sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the
matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my
life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to
me.

This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!!

 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then...." He sighed........ "Let's just put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

 

There is a medical distinction between Guts and *****. We've all heard
about people having Guts or *****. But do you really know the difference
between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

***** - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the ***** to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.