Good to see you're still around Hank!

 

Yo Mamma is so poor,
when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!

 

AYB, thats a good one, hehehe

 

 

Neighbors in Montana

A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana.

After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse.

"Hold it neighbor" the man says, " I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only six miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time".

Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and ask's " How should I dress?"

" Aw, don't matter" replied the neighbor, " Only gonna be the two of us".

 

Funeral Comments

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

 

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well, let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

 

That's an oldie but a goodie Bruce

 

I guess there is an upside to having a bad memory!

 

Ya remembered the joke with it being more than three sentences. That's pretty damn good I think.

 

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African

bush tribe whose men all had *****es 24 inches long. When the black male
reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his ***** and on the other
end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the ***** to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his *****.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband,
"How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

 

 

Yo mama so fat she got Baptized at Sea World.


Yo mama so stupid she tried to alphabetize a bag of M&M's.

 

A guy meets a beautiful girl and decided he wanted to marry her right
away, she said, "But we don't know anything about each other.

He said, "Thats all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool when he got off his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in a jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you
we'd learn about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about
thirty laps, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Dubuque, Iowa, and I worked both
sides of the river!"

 

A policeman stopped a lady and asked for her license.
He said, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're still getting a ticket!"