The Safe for GNAC Joke Thread!!!
Cargo Master
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 3,476
Likes: 224
From: Frequently frozen MN
Found and shamelessly stole this stuff
"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." --Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Unknown
hj
"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." --Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Unknown
hj
FTE Chapter Leader
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 8,843
Likes: 27
From: Eastern Ky
Marriage is.....
A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine."
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying for it."
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A multi-
millionaire."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.
As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]
Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!
It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.
It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.
Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.
Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....
Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.
Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.
She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.
Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.
The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.
Wife says, "Honey, I've had enough of worse; let's try better for a while!"
-Wes
A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine."
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying for it."
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A multi-
millionaire."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.
As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]
Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!
It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.
It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.
Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.
Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....
Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.
Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.
She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.
Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.
The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.
Wife says, "Honey, I've had enough of worse; let's try better for a while!"
-Wes
Senior User
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 443
Likes: 0
From: Brandon, MS
An obscenely rich man dies, and during the funeral, the widow is sitting up front with her friend.
The friend asks,"Didn't your husband say when he died he wanted to take all his money with him?"
The widow responded, "Yes, he was adamant that we fill his casket with all of his money."
The friend asks, "Surely you are not going to fulfill his wishes, right?"
The widow respnds, "I most surely did comply with his dying wish. I wouldn't think of not honoring him by not carrying out his wish."
"Then where is the money?", asked the friend, "Are they putting it in just before the funeral?"
"No, the money is in there, every penny of it." was the widow's response, "I wrote him a check!"
The friend asks,"Didn't your husband say when he died he wanted to take all his money with him?"
The widow responded, "Yes, he was adamant that we fill his casket with all of his money."
The friend asks, "Surely you are not going to fulfill his wishes, right?"
The widow respnds, "I most surely did comply with his dying wish. I wouldn't think of not honoring him by not carrying out his wish."
"Then where is the money?", asked the friend, "Are they putting it in just before the funeral?"
"No, the money is in there, every penny of it." was the widow's response, "I wrote him a check!"
Thread Starter
|
Cargo Master
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 3,191
Likes: 2,007
From: SW Washington
A right answer
A tourist in a bar in Florida asks a local sitting at the bar,
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the local replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the damn boat."
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the local replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the damn boat."
Cargo Master
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 3,476
Likes: 224
From: Frequently frozen MN
I guess that they weren't that suspicous.
More of this stuff is at
19 Of The Funniest Police Blotters Ever (PICTURES)
hj
More of this stuff is at
19 Of The Funniest Police Blotters Ever (PICTURES)
hj
FTE Stories
Ford Trucks for Ford Truck Enthusiasts
Rezvani's Latest Post-Apocalytic Monster Is a Ford F-150 Raptor Underneath
Verdad Gallardo
Top 10 Most Expensive Ford Trucks Ever Sold on Bring a Trailer
Joe Kucinski
2027 Ford Super Duty Buyer's Guide (Every Model, Engine, & Package)
Brett Foote
Top 10 Ford Truck Tragedies
Joe Kucinski
AEV FXL Super Duty - the Super Duty Raptor Ford Doesn't Make
Brett Foote
Lobo Vs Lobo: Proof the F-150 Lobo Should Be Even Lower!
Michael S. Palmer
Ford's 2001 Explorer Sportsman Concept Looks For a New Home
Verdad Gallardo
10 Best Ford Truck Engines We Miss the Most!
Joe Kucinski
2026 Shelby F-150 Off-Road: Better Than a Raptor R?
Brett Foote
Posting Guru
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 1,362
Likes: 2
From: Juneau, ALASKA
Joke: Woman in Leather Dress
When a woman wears a leather dress…
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new Truck.
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new Truck.
