There are three blondes washed up on an island.
Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent.
Instantly, she is turned Into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

 

Poor Bessie

An old farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the......"

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well... as I was sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the highway when this huge semi ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurtin' real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Real soon a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin', too. So, he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are YOU feeling?'

Now what the heck would you say?"

 

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.






ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.


And MY Personal Favorite!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.

 

Marriage is…

A best man’s speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
A classified ad which read “Wife Wanted” received hundreds of responses, all from men saying “You can have mine.”
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband expects his wife to be perfect… and to understand why he’s not.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A son asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son. I’m still paying for it.”

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
A woman was telling her friend, “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.” The friend asked, “And what was he before you married him?” The woman replied, “A multi-millionaire.”

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
Always talk to your wife while you’re making love… if there’s a phone handy.
As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride’s mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]
Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
Confucius say man who sink into woman’s arms soon have arms in woman’s sink.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married… and then it was too late.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it’s curtains!
It doesn’t matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.
It’s a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.
Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.
Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her Master’s.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo….
Marriage is grand… and divorce is about 10 grand.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.
Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
My wife’s cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.
She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Some mornings I wake up grouchy… and some mornings I just let her sleep.
Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he’ll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein’ big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.
The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly
They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.
Wife says, “Honey, I’ve had enough of worse; let’s try better for a while!”

 

Zen...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just Get Out Of The Way and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

 

Sauerkraut

A doctor started an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount on money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out her pregnancy and have the baby over there.

"But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.

"Well, he said, "after you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back."

Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.

Six months went by. Then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office. "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today," she explained. "I don't understand what it means!"

"Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card which read:

"SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!!!"

 

Elephant Jokes


Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want. It can't hear you.

Q: Why do elephants stand on marshmallows?
A: So they won't fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because if it were small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside-out elephant.

Q: What's grey and not there?
A: No elephants.

Q: How do you get an elephant into a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and have the elephant stand on it.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait until autumn.

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.

Q: Why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four: two in the front and two in the back.

Q: How many elephants can you fit into a VW bug?
A: Four: two in the front and two in the back.

Q: How do you get an elephant in a VW bug?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, and close the door.

Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge,
put the elephant inside, and close the fridge.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: You can't close the fridge door.

Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.

Q: How do you get 8 elephants into a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, and put the two VWs in the fridge.

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.

Q: The lion gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW bug.

Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
A: None, the elephants are in there!

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: Its bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There's a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a blueberry?
A: They're both blue, except for the elephant.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there are 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."

Q: What did Jane say?
A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was colorblind.)

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants wearing sunglasses coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas . . .

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamping out flaming ducks.

Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.

Q: Why are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.

Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: What's a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They can't tell time.

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q: Have you ever found an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.

Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.

 

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

 

That's an old one Bryan. But still funny as hell

 

There was an Italian immigrant man who had worked all his life, had
saved all of his money, and was a real"miser" when it came to his
money.


Just before he died, he said to his Italian wife..."When I die, I want
you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to
take my money to the after life with me."


And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that
when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.


Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was
sitting there - dressed in black, (what else), and her best friend was
sitting next to her.


When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got
ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"She had
a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in
the casket.


Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So
her friend said,"Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband."



The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an Italian Catholic & I cannot go
back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in
the casket with him.."



You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him??"



"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account, I wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend
it."

AMEN!

 

Oops, didn't see this thread.

Wandering through a fairgrounds, a man enters a fortune-teller's tent for a laugh. "I see you're the father of two," says the seer, gazing into her crystal ball. "Ha! That's what you think," says the man scornfully. "I'm the father of three."
"Ha!" says the fortune-teller. "That's what you think." <!-- / message -->

 

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was ******.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your mother...

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
****, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

One day a man was sitting on his sofa at home when he heard a knock at the door. He got up to see who it was but when he opened the door no one was there. Just as he was about to sit back down he heard the knock again but when he got there again, there was no one at the door.
He scratched his head, looked around for a second, then looked down to see a tiny snail on the porch.
He picked up the snail, threw it into a field across the street and headed back inside to watch television.

Three Years Later.

The same man is sitting on his sofa watching TV and hears a knock at the door. He gets up and goes to see who's there and there is no one.
He looks around for a second and just as he is about to close the door, he looks down and sees the snail who looks back up and says "What the Hell was that all about!!?"

 

Subject: Career Placement Test Question:


One of the questions from the career placement test
given applicants for graduate school was:
"Rearrange the letters ( P N E S I ) to spell out an
important part of human body that is more useful when erect!"

Those who spelled “Spine" became doctors, the rest of us
were sent to law school….

 

I should have a M.D. after my name.