I'm just glad it didn't fall on me

.............I mean the guy that was working on it

 

I also have this

 

or this

 

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..

I can't wait until next Christmas.

 

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets or purse. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband, David, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. I waited a little while, dreading this call, but then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call him “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard David’s voice.
“Betty” he barked, “I dropped you off!” Now it was my time to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

David retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car?”

 

Are blonde jokes "safe for GNAC"

 

as long as she doesn't get pregnant.

 

Very Bad Accident

Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."

"Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey.

"Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."

 

Rednecks have the lowest stress rate
because they do not take medical terminology seriously
You are going to die anyway, so live life

Medical Term......................Redneck Definition
Artery..................................The study of paintings

Bacteria...............................Back door to cafeteria

Barium.................................What doctors do when patients die

Benign.................................What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section.................A neighbourhood in Rome

Cat scan...............................Searching for Kitty

Cauterize..............................Eye contact with her

Colic.....................................A sheep dog

Coma....................................A punctuation mark

Dilate...................................To live long

Enema..................................Not a friend

Fester...................................Quicker than someone else

Fibula....................................A small lie

Impotent...............................Distinguish ed, well known

Labour Pain............................Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff..........................A Doctor's cane

Morbid...................................A higher offer

Nitrates.................................Rates of Pay for Working at Night,Normally more money than Days

Node.....................................I knew it

Outpatient.............................A person who has fainted

Pelvis....................................Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative........................A letter carrier

Recovery Room.......................Place to do upholstery

Rectum..................................Nearly killed him

Secretion...............................Hiding something

Seizure..................................Roman Emperor

Tablet...................................A small table

Terminal Illness......................Getting sick at the airport

Tumour..................................One plus one more

Urine.....................................Opposite of you're out

 

:"Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Flight Attendant"

A lawyer boarded an airplane with a box of frozen crabs and asked a
blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she
let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in
New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think!

 

The funny thing is that sometimes the natural ones aren't (only sometimes), but if a girl ever dyes her hair blonde KNOWING the stereotype associated with it, she's definitely got a lot of spare space under that hair. That seems to be the pattern I've noticed, anyways.


How many GM drivers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I'm guessing more than one, based on all the "cyclops" Daytime Running Lights I see on the Chevys around town...

 

What do you call a GM with brakes?

Customized (in all seriousness they do tend to have terrible OEM brakes)

True story: My buddy and I were sleeping in our respective trucks in the forest one time. He drove a GM. The next morning when we woke up, I asked him how his night was. Reaching behind his back and cracking it, he said "Those things really ARE 'like a rock!'."

Annnnd I saw this one on the SVT forum:

A Ford pick-up drove up to a rancher who was sitting on his front porch in a rocking chair along with his dog. Parked out front was a Chevy pick-up. Happens the Ford pick-up driver was also a ventriloquist and, not having a whole lot of respect for Chevy drivers, he thought he'd mess with this Chevy Boy's mind a little.

The Ford driver gets out and says to the dog, not the Chevy driver "Hey, dog. Mind if I speak to this Chevy driver here?"

Chevy driver: "That dog don't talk!"

Ford driver: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Chevy driver: (Extreme look of shock).

Ford driver: "Is this your owner? (pointing at Chevy driver)"

Dog: "Yep."

Ford driver: "How's he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food."

Chevy driver: (Stunned look of disbelief).

Ford driver to the Chevy driver: "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?"

Chevy driver: "Horses don't talk!"

Ford driver calls out: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"

Horse: "Cool."

Chevy driver: (An even wilder look of shock).

Ford driver: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Chevy driver).

Horse: "Yep."

Ford driver: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regular, brushes me down often."

Chevy driver: (Total look of amazement).

Ford driver to the Chevy driver: "Mind if I talk to one of those sheep?"

Chevy driver: (stuttering and hardly able to talk himself) "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

 

Anyone know how brake dancing was invented?

Urban people trying to steal hubcaps off moving cars

 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150.00!" she cried. "$150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20.00.

But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

 

* The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII

* We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop



* If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers



* If God wanted us to vote, he’d have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno



* Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato



* Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev



* When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow



* Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown



* Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton



* Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer



* The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. ~P.J. O'Rourke



* I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952



* A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan



* Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~Gore Vidal



* I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.~Charles de Gaulle



* Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.~Doug Larson



* Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown



* There ought to be one day – just one - when there is open season on senators. ~Will Rogers