While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped
at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the
restaurant, and resumed their trip.


When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
miss them until they had been driving for
about forty minutes.


By then, to add to the aggravation, they
had to travel quite a distance before
they could find a place to turn around,
in order to return to the restaurant to
retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband
became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded
his wife relentlessly during the entire
return drive. The more he chided her,
the more agitated he became.


He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the
car, and hurried inside to retrieve her
glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
" While you're in there, you might as well
get my hat and the credit card."

 

is that when your wife gave you the black eye Bruce?

 

She is one wicked woman Tom.......

 

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

 

Rednecck Hunting Accident 911 - YouTube

 

Pierre and Boudreaux wanted to go hunting, but didn't have a place to hunt.

Pierre said, "The old farmer down the road is a friend of mine. He's so old, that he can't even get out into his fields anymore. I'll bet he would let us hunt there."

When they got there, Pierre told Boudreaux that he would go into the house, and ask for permission to hunt on the farmer's land. Pierre went into the house, and his friend, the old farmer said, "That's all right with me, but could I get you to do me a small favor in return?"

The farmer said, "Mud Bug, my old hunting dog is so old, he is in constant agony. I need to put him out if his misery, but I just don't have the heart. Before you take to my fields, could you please use your gun and do it for me? He's in the front yard, he's in so much pain, he can't even make it into the house any more."

Pierre said that he would help the old farmer, and went out into the yard, to tell Boudreaux that they could hunt there. As he was walking down the front steps, he got an idea for a joke that would scare Boudreaux. When Boudreaux said, "Did he tell us we could hunt on his land?", Pierre, for a joke, said, "No, that's the meanest old farmer I've EVER met -- I'll show HIM!!" Then he shot the old dog, and said, "That'll show him."

Boudreaux ran to the farmer's barn, and Pierre fell on the ground, laughing, because he scared Boudreaux enough to run away and hide. Suddenly, Pierre heard, "BLAM......BLAM." Then Boudreaux ran out of the barn, and shouted to Pierre, "O.K., I got the horse and cow... Now, let's get out of here."

 

I was just sitting at the traffic light yesterday next to a car load of Muslims when a big semi-trailer drove right over the top of their car! Flattened it!

"Wow!" I thought, "That could've been me"...


So I went and got a Commercial driver's license.

 

i don't care who you are, that rite there was funny.


sorry Hank, but i got the spread the love message.
could someone give Hank some love for me please??

 

Done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

(true story) Winston Churchill walks out of a bar in the middle of the afternoon. Some bitch on the sidewalk say to him, "You, sir, are drunk!" To which he replies, "And you, ma'am, are ugly, but tomorrow morning I will be sober".

 

Daddy Long Legs

Stories about children and their views of the world are always touching.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of
nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are DaddyLonglegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

"'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any
of that **** in Arkansas ".

 

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and
knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad
home?" the rancher asked.


"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.."'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that,"
he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500
for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he
gets for Howard."

 

St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell."

Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.

St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.

Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's there, and he's now really, really irritated.

"Okay, that's it," he says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.

St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?"

"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.

"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.

"They keep resuscitating me."