A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee!

She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom,
to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked Lil Johnny, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
"Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

 

 

 

Two undefeated Wrestlers meet for the World Championship. Our guy has his corner whispers to him, "stay alert for his Pretzel move."

So, the Match starts, they are evenly matched but after a while our guy sort of loses his concentration and bang he is in the Pretzel grasp.

The Ref's slapping the Mat, 1 --2 slaps and suddenly our guy convulses and tosses the other guy up in the air, then pins him.

The sports News surrounds our Winner and ask how he did the miracle of escaping the pretzel.
"I saw the ******** hanging out there and bit it. Amazing what one can do when he bites his ********."

 

 

 

↑ WHY IN THE HELL DID I JUST READ THAT! HAHA


menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork and returned to the blind man.

The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left.

Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork.

The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, very interesting!
Does Brenda work here now?
And what goes in hard and pink, comes out soft and mushy?

Bazooka bubble gum......haha

The Daily Newspaper printed a retraction..... "I hate you Sob's" ......I miss those editions now.......

 

 

A family is having dinner when the son asked his dad, "How many kinds of different breasts are there?" Taken aback for a second the father explains, "Well my son a woman goes through three phases in her life. In her 20's her breast are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's and 40's they become like pears-still nice but hanging a bit, but after 50 her breast are like onions." Confused and surprised the son asks, "Onions?" "That's right son, onions, because when you see them they make you cry!"

 

 

 

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00
When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to : God , USA , ... they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down and wrote a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God , Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington,DC you know those bureaucrats deducted $95.00 in taxes!

 

Guy at the airline counter tells the rep. “I’d like this bag to go to Berlin,
this one to California, and this one to London.
The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”
Guy says, "Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you."