Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to **** in the boat!"

 

 

 

That pretty much sums it up.

 

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the
prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I
had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

 

Aye. I saw that one comin' I did.

 

A mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his
new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want
off, get the hell off now ' cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of
bitches who are getting on get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind
of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours.
When you come out you may play with your train. But I want you to use nice
language."

Two hours later the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his
train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say,"All passengers who
are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with
you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant
one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

"For those of you just boarding we ask you to store all your luggage under your
seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will
have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us."

"And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay please see
the bitch in the kitchen."

 

 

In the hospital where a family member lay gravely ill, the relatives gathered in the waiting room. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.*"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"*The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain."*The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Republican's brain?"*The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."*

 

 

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

*

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you* for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

*

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees* he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !**

That person puts up his hand and says,

"I am from Middle East . I am not American."

*

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an* American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa ."

*

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

*

The African lady checks her watch and says,

* "Probably at work."

 

haha! yep...