A State Police Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner
for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man
behind the wheel handed the officer his driver's license,
insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr. Smith,
I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45
in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot.
I also have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man
said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said
"Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?"

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a f-ing thing!"

 

That one is good!

 

This one will get me in the corner for sure!

One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who didn't whine, nag or b*tch.

But it was a long time ago and it was just that one day!

The end.

 

A woman arrived at a party, and while scanning the guests noticed an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled, and said, "Hello, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is that a family name?"

"No, "she replied, "as a matter of fact it's a name I gave myself. It represents the things I love the most, cars and men. Therefore, I chose 'Carmen.'"

"What's your name?" she asked.

He answered, "B.J. Titsengolf."

 

 

There was a man named Cletus that lived in a small town with only one traffic light. Cletus had saved up his money and bought a mo-ped. One day Cletus was at the light waiting for it to turn green when a shiny new Mustang convertible pulled up next to him. Cletus had never seen anything like this in his life. The Mustang had its top down so Cletus leans over the side of the car and starts checking out the interior. This annoys the driver of the stang so when the light turns green he steps on the gas, laying down rubber as he leaves the intersection. He gets up to 60mph when suddenly Cletus flies by him on his mo-ped. The driver of the stang says to himself "This clown wants to race". Shifting into 4th gear he steps on the gas again. He leaves Cletus in his dust as he gets up to 100mph. Then out of nowhere he sees Cletus coming up fast in his rear view mirror. He can't believe it as Cletus flies by him again on his mo-ped. The driver of the Mustang shifts into 6th gear and floors it. He passes Cletus and gets up to 150mph! Once again, Cletus passes him like he's standing still. Shocked, the driver of the Mustang pulls over to the side of the road. He hears gravel flying and brakes squalling as Cletus pulls up next to him. The driver of the Mustang congratulates Cletus on winning the race and asks him what kind of an engine he has in his mo-ped. Puzzled Cletus replied "Race? I was just trying to get my suspenders off of your side-view mirror."

 

Ok, one and done....

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

 

No really, this is the last one.

A man sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down."

"So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."


The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

 

What did Bin Laden say to his wife on the morning of the seal team attack?

Honey you feed the goats, I'll feed the fish.

Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Gimme a Bin Laden."

"Whazzat?" asks the bartender.

"Two shots and a splash of water."

 

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

 

its funny cause its true

 

*WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES*

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .



No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.

That's what beer does...

Never mind.

 

There was a Texas oil tycoon who was watching his largest oil well going up in flames. He called in the best fire fighting equipment money could buy but there was no way they could get close enough to the intense flames to reach them with their water hose. Finally, out of desperation, he called the local volunteer fire department. They chugged up in their 1946 truck and passed every one of the state of the art rigs and headed toward the center of the fire. They stopped, jumped out, sprayed each other down with water, and then proceeded to put out the fire. When they were finally finished, the millionaire was so impressed with the crew's dedication and bravery, he awarded the chief with a check for $10,000. Later, a reporter asked the chief what he was going to do with the money. The chief replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix those damn brakes!!"

 

Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down. "

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

 

Q. How do you make a Chevy accelerate 0-60 mph in less than 15 seconds?

A. Push it off a cliff.

Q. What is found on the last two pages of every Chevy's owners manual?

A. The bus schedule.

Q. What did the auto parts counterman say when the customer said, "I'll take a set of wiper blades for my

Chevy"?

A. Sounds like a fair trade.

Q. What do you call a Chevy at the top of a hill?

A. A miracle?

Q. What do you call two Chevy's at the top of a hill?

A. A mirage.

Q. How do you double the value of a Chevy?

A. Fill up the gas tank.

Q. What do you call a Chevy with brakes?

A. Customized.

Q. How do you make a Chevy go faster down hill?

A. Turn the engine off.

Q. Why don't Chevy's sustain much damage in front end collisions?

A. The tow truck takes most of the impact.

Q. What do you call Chevy passengers?

A. Shock absorbers.

Q. How do you improve the appearance of a Chevy?

A. Park it between two Fords

CHEVROLET= Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips.

CHEVROLET= Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time.

CHEVROLET= Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time.

CHEVROLET= Can Hear Every Valve Rattle, Oil Leaks, Engine Ticks.

CHEVROLET= Cheap Heavy Equipment, Very Rusty, Overly Loved, Eventually Towed