OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was told by the
Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man

reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

The Patient Grandfather

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would
be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little *******'s name is Kevin."

 

An old farmer comes into a new little back street saloon after a hard day in the field and heads into the grill room.
As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old farmer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of tourists.

She glides down behind the bar to the old guy.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The farmer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Yes Sir, I sure am."

He leans closer and whispers to her softly, "Well then, wash your hands REAL good because I want a cheeseburger."

 

YouTube - ‪Monkey in a bar‬‏

It makes me laugh no matter how many times I watch it.

 

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate Jennifer was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________ ________


Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.

Love,
Brian

__________________________________________________ ________


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
that read:

__________________________________________________ __

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom

 

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a treehouse.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a golf course?"

 

During his recent vacation to Martha's Vineyard, President Barack Obama had been slicing off the tee on every hole. He asks his Scottich caddie if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shot. To which the caddie replies: "Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of your driver." The president picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddie says "no, the other end."

 

Thats just wrong, Just wrong.

 

George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and George Bush are in a plane.

The pilot says that the passengers must lighten their load. so the three presidents decide to drop one item

George Washington drops a quarter

Abe Lincoln drops a penny

George Bush drops a grenade

When the presidents land, they find someone holding their head and cursing.

George Washington asks the man what's wrong.

"i was walking down the street when a quarter falls from the sky and hits my head!"

So the presidents continue down the road and find someone hopping on one foot, holding the other, cursing. Abe Lincoln asks "What happened?"

"i was standing on my porch barefoot when a penny falls from the sky and hits it!"

The presidents continue once more and find a young boy laughing hysterically.

George Bush asks "What's so funny?"

The boy replies "i farted and my house exploded!!!"

 

For all of you who have made disparaging remarks about President Obama, please read the following...


I'm sure most of us have read the so-called comparison of Lincoln and Kennedy, but did you ever consider the relationship between Obama and Lincoln?

You might be surprised...

Parallels of Abraham Lincoln and Barack Hussein Obama:

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration.

Obama used the same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois .

Obama comes from Illinois .

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.


4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.
Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was in the United States military. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln believed in everyone carrying their own weight. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln did not waste taxpayers' money on personal enjoyments. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

11. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

12. Lincoln was born in the United States . Obama is a skinny lawyer.

13. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer

14. Lincoln saved the United States . Obama is a skinny lawyer.

 

[quote=SDElwood;10891931]For all of you who have made disparaging remarks about President Obama, please read the following...


I'm sure most of us have read the so-called comparison of Lincoln and Kennedy, but did you ever consider the relationship between Obama and Lincoln?

You might be surprised...

Parallels of Abraham Lincoln and Barack Hussein Obama:

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration.

Obama used the same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois .

Obama comes from Illinois .

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.


4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.
Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was in the United States military. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln believed in everyone carrying their own weight. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln did not waste taxpayers' money on personal enjoyments. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

11. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

12. Lincoln was born in the United States . Obama is a skinny lawyer.

13. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer

14. Lincoln saved the United States . Obama is a skinny lawyer.[/quote

Lets not start donw that road.

 

A new super high tech grocery store recently opened in Orlando, Florida. It has the standard automatic water misters to keep the produce fresh, but just before it mists, one hears the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When one passes the diary freezer, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh mown hay. Going in the meat department one can smell the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and barbecued ribs. When you pass the fresh eggs case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of morning eggs and bacon. In the bread department, a tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and soft warm rolls. But I don't buy my toilet paper there any more.

 

PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

 

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

 

SUPER BUSINESS SLOGANS, PART I

Local ad for a plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip - call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Sign at the psychic's hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be
satisfactory?"

At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."