JOKE THREAD
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FTE Legend
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 65,938
Likes: 1,432
From: Millersville, MD
My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my
allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of
the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop. Please
take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then
sell my new car. Take my front door key away from me and throw me
out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again.
And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that. she actually said...
"Dad I have decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign."
allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of
the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop. Please
take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then
sell my new car. Take my front door key away from me and throw me
out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again.
And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that. she actually said...
"Dad I have decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign."
Thread Starter
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FTE Legend
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 65,938
Likes: 1,432
From: Millersville, MD
I overheard this elderly lady sitting next to me in church last week saying this lovely prayer:
"Dear Lord,
These past couple of years have been tough....
You have taken :
my favorite Actor Patrick Swayze,
my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor,
my favorite Cowboy James Arness,
my favorite athlete Bob Feller,
my favorite singer Lena Horne and
my favorite salesman Billy Mays.
I just wanted you to know that my
favorite president is Barack Obama.
Amen. "
Real nice prayer, eh? Maybe if we ALL say it.......
"Dear Lord,
These past couple of years have been tough....
You have taken :
my favorite Actor Patrick Swayze,
my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor,
my favorite Cowboy James Arness,
my favorite athlete Bob Feller,
my favorite singer Lena Horne and
my favorite salesman Billy Mays.
I just wanted you to know that my
favorite president is Barack Obama.
Amen. "
Real nice prayer, eh? Maybe if we ALL say it.......
Thread Starter
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FTE Legend
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 65,938
Likes: 1,432
From: Millersville, MD
A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where
around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice said, "honey remember the jewlery store we went into 5 years ago
where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I
would get it for you one day".
His wife said crying, "yes I remember that jewlery store".
He said, "well I'm in the bar next to it."
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where
around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice said, "honey remember the jewlery store we went into 5 years ago
where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I
would get it for you one day".
His wife said crying, "yes I remember that jewlery store".
He said, "well I'm in the bar next to it."
Thread Starter
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FTE Legend
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 65,938
Likes: 1,432
From: Millersville, MD
Pray For Your President
Psalm 109:8 ~ Look it up.
If you don't have a Bible handy: look down here
down here
further
further
Here ya go..... "Let his days be few and brief; and let others step forward to replace him."
Psalm 109:8 ~ Look it up.
If you don't have a Bible handy: look down here
down here
further
further
Here ya go..... "Let his days be few and brief; and let others step forward to replace him."
Lead Driver
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 5,259
Likes: 17
From: Gambrills
When I first joined the military I was running the gauntlet at MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station). During the medical portion I was stopped and flag as a NoGo. The Dr. explained that I had some medical conditions that I had to address before I could join the Army. So I made an appointment with my physician. The following week I went to see him on my lunch break. The doctor examined me extensivley and noted a few things wrong. He said he needed to run some tests. Looking at my watch I said "Sure! what do you need"? He said he need a urine sample, semen sample and a stool sample. At that point I said "Doc! I am in a big hurry. Can't I just leave you my underwear"?
Thread Starter
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FTE Legend
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 65,938
Likes: 1,432
From: Millersville, MD
There are Times A Woman Just MUST Trust Her Husband
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello? There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband.
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello? There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband.
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From: In my own world
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well, let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well, let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
Thread Starter
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FTE Legend
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 65,938
Likes: 1,432
From: Millersville, MD
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Thread Starter
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FTE Legend
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 65,938
Likes: 1,432
From: Millersville, MD
I had to run to the grocery store. As I approached the entrance,
I noticed a driver looking for A parking space. I flagged the driver and
pointed out a parking space in the handicap area.
The driver looked puzzled. ''I'm not handicapped'' she said.
Well, was my face red. ''Oh, sorry about that, I saw your Obama Sticker
and just presumed ...''
She gave me the finger and called me some nasty names.
Sheesh! Some people....
I noticed a driver looking for A parking space. I flagged the driver and
pointed out a parking space in the handicap area.
The driver looked puzzled. ''I'm not handicapped'' she said.
Well, was my face red. ''Oh, sorry about that, I saw your Obama Sticker
and just presumed ...''
She gave me the finger and called me some nasty names.
Sheesh! Some people....
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