I think he screwed up..... very unbalanced towards DC......

 

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?' God explained it to Him.

Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said, 'What is a hill?'
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then, just like everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley,

Across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it now?'

And Adam said....

what's a headache?

 

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's *********.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

 

So cats DO have a purpose other than exercising dogs

 

Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing". "The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."

 

6 TRUTHS OF LIFE





1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look at the ceiling at the same time.
















2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.








3. And discover #1 is a lie.








4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.










5. You soon will forward this to another idiot..









6. There is still a stupid smile on your face


I apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.

 

 

Bud & Jr, in a bar, was takin shouts of rum & coke and talkin bout their moonshine operation, five tables down a woman eating asandwich starts coughing. The one ole boy looks at er and asks, maam can you talk she shakes her head no the other ole boy takes a shot and looks at her as she is turning blue in the face and asks maam can you breath ? She shakes heer head hard this time and this son of a buck walks over to her, lifts up her skirt and licks her right buttock.she is so shocked at getting her rear licked she spouts out the sandwich and he walks back overt to his buddy.his buddy looks at him and declares ive heard of that there hind-lick maneuver, but I have never seen it executed before <!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

 

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in Arkansas out on the farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole for the outhouse is full. He goes in the house and tells Ma he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the youngun down the road??? He must be smart because he's a college graduate." So Pa drives down to the neighbors. He asks the kid: "My hole for the outhouse is full and I don't know what to do to empty it." The youngun tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Light them both under the outhouse. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. The second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm and fertilize your ground. The outhouse will then come back down to the same spot and you will have an empty hole for the outhouse."

Pa thanks the neighbor and picks up two sticks of dynamite at the hardware store, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the corner of the outhouse. He lights them and then runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!!

BOOM!! Off goes the first stick of dynamite and shoots the outhouse in the air. BOOM!! Off goes the second stick of dynamite and spreads the poop all across the farm. The outhouse comes crashing back down on the hole. Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you alright??!!" As she pulls up her pants she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"

 

An Arkansan hitchhiker was picked up by a Bud in his big Lincoln mrk 8. The Arkansan noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and asked, "What are those things for?" The driver said, "They're to hold my ***** when I'm driving." "Boy," exclaimed the Arkansan, "these Lincoln mrk 8's have ever'thing, don't they?

 

<CENTER>Tools Explained</CENTER>




DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'


SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.


TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.


PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.


UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

I have that list some where -it's 100% true!!!!!
and darned funny~~~~~

 

yeah, there was another I took off, it was the sob tool, that's the one you throw when you get angry, and then the very one you need next. figured I'd get in trouble for how it was printed

 

Hilarious!!

 

I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely
going to s**t yourself' roadkill chili.
Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt
cheeks WILL fall off.



Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.



Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when,
I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to
refinish the den.



Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms
that the pain hit me.



Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit
us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.



The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could
take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet
relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.



There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned
clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.



I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what
I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.



I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was
to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying
to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then
made me laugh.
.......BIG mistake!!!!!



Here's the thing.. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was
later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was
robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.



Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,
praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.



Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my **** is
burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle
of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and
disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?',
then quickly left.



Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached
me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It
appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which
ought to take care of the problem.'



My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',
then ran off returning moments later with the manager.. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to
return.



Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over
the whole matter.



*******s claim they're going to have to repaint the store.