JOKE THREAD
Posting Guru
Joined: Aug 2009
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From: Mt Airy, MD
A man went to heaven, & while there he saw St Peter near a wall of clocks. What are all those clocks St Peter? Those are Lie clocks, everyone has one & everytime you lie the hands move. Oh, said the man, whose clock is this? That's Mother Teresa's, the hands have never moved. And that one? That's Abe Lincoln's, the hands have moved twice. Where Obama's clock? It's in Jesus' office, He's using it for a ceiling Fan!!!
Fleet Owner
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 26,898
Likes: 3
From: southern md
A man went to heaven, & while there he saw St Peter near a wall of clocks. What are all those clocks St Peter? Those are Lie clocks, everyone has one & everytime you lie the hands move. Oh, said the man, whose clock is this? That's Mother Teresa's, the hands have never moved. And that one? That's Abe Lincoln's, the hands have moved twice. Where Obama's clock? It's in Jesus' office, He's using it for a ceiling Fan!!!
Posting Guru
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,218
Likes: 0
From: Mt Airy, MD
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking fora box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later,he deposits a huge bag of cotton ***** and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see,it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own.......... So does she.
He answers, 'You see,it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own.......... So does she.
FTE Legend
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 56,542
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From: In my own world
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Thread Starter
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FTE Legend
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 65,938
Likes: 1,432
From: Millersville, MD
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint
the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy
was out.
After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she
returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower,
she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the
not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital
emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
(Try to get a mental picture of this.) Lucy tried to lighten the
embarrassment of it all by saying,"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen
anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one
mounted and framed."
the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy
was out.
After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she
returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower,
she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the
not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital
emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
(Try to get a mental picture of this.) Lucy tried to lighten the
embarrassment of it all by saying,"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen
anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one
mounted and framed."
FTE Legend
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 56,542
Likes: 0
From: In my own world
A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate...and ate...and then...she ate some more!!! Finally, she decided
she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a
few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had pigged out far
too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation
when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd
found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be
able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she
took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently
into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor!
Dead Fly.
The moral of this sad story?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of $h**
She ate...and ate...and then...she ate some more!!! Finally, she decided
she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a
few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had pigged out far
too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation
when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd
found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be
able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she
took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently
into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor!
Dead Fly.
The moral of this sad story?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of $h**
FTE Legend
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 56,542
Likes: 0
From: In my own world
Last night, a bunch of my friends and I went to a Mens Club. One of the guys wanted to impress the rest of us, so he pulled out a $10 bill.
When the dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to her butt cheek!
Not to be outdone another friend pulls out a $20 bill. He called the girl over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to her other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the girl over to him, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried
about the way things are going, but fortunately, he just stuck it to one of her butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the girl races over to me. Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the girl is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?
The real man in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of her butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!!
When the dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to her butt cheek!
Not to be outdone another friend pulls out a $20 bill. He called the girl over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to her other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the girl over to him, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried
about the way things are going, but fortunately, he just stuck it to one of her butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the girl races over to me. Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the girl is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?
The real man in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of her butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!!
Fleet Owner
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 26,898
Likes: 3
From: southern md
Last night, a bunch of my friends and I went to a Mens Club. One of the guys wanted to impress the rest of us, so he pulled out a $10 bill.
When the dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to her butt cheek!
Not to be outdone another friend pulls out a $20 bill. He called the girl over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to her other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the girl over to him, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried
about the way things are going, but fortunately, he just stuck it to one of her butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the girl races over to me. Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the girl is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?
The real man in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of her butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!!
When the dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to her butt cheek!
Not to be outdone another friend pulls out a $20 bill. He called the girl over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to her other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the girl over to him, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried
about the way things are going, but fortunately, he just stuck it to one of her butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the girl races over to me. Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the girl is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?
The real man in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of her butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!!
