....wow, and the GOOD LORD hasn't taken you into his arms yet???????? Amazing!

 

no, but I know how to use the good luck sign

 

It's a salute to the Hawiian God 'Heyahwannakickya-assa...

 

fixed it for ya Dan

 

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 

Just heard that BP put a wedding band around the leaking pipe and now it has quit putting out!!!

 

Great. Now we have a well that won't stop bitchin'!

 

ha-ha-ha~~~~~~

 

A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops, wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood.
A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good Lord Mister, he gasps, are you drunk?"
"Of course!," says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am? A stunt driver or something?"
<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

 

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone".

 

Thanks Charlie, I needed to chuckle

 

no prob, I'll try to keep um coming

 

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him
resting on the seventh day..

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look,
Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while 20 southern
Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white
people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things”

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely
hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."


The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and
said, "What's that one?"

"That's Maryland , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful
mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people
from Maryland are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous,
and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about
balance, God? You said there would be balance..."

God smiled, "Right next to Maryland is Washington , DC . Wait till you see
the idiots I put there."

 

man ain't that the truth