Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed , looks at her kind o f strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

 

How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

 

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French
fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it
in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries,
dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one
pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and
then set the cup down between them . As he began to
eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them
were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple --
all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to
the table and politely offered to buy another meal for
the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine--
they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady
hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her
husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let
him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman
said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his
face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came
over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a
single bite of food and asked "What is it you are
waiting for?"

She answered



















"THE TEETH."

 

Old joke still funny.

 

It is important for men to remember
that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the
same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice
this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's
nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I
handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it
has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her
part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we
needed.

Shortly after she started working, I
noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the
golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she
almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she
starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time
and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have
lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we
finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table
for several hours after dinner. I do what I can By diplomatically
reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean
themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining,
I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find
time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take
'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell
her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't
have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely
now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to
think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to
think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was
only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a
fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly
squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is
making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint
in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much
consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find
it impossible. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get
as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a
little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this
article, I will consider that writing this was well worthwhile. After
all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jeff died suddenly on March 10 of a
perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with
a Calloway extra long 50" Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his
rear end, with barely 5" of grip showing and a sledge hammer lying> nearby.

His wife, Susie, was arrested and
charged with murder.

The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes
to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jeff somehow, without
looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ***** into a cow pasture.We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end."

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,

"Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that."

 

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twe nty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

 

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly . The bar falls silent.


The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

*

(Wait for it)

*

*

*

(It's coming)

*

*



(Ya ready?)

*

*

*

(Don't hate me)

*

*

*

(Ya gonna hate me)

*

*

*


(Take a deep breath)

*

*

*


"He should've quit while he was a head!"

 

I'm laughing so hard that it hurts.

 

An 80 year old man went to his doctor for his quarterly checkup...

the doctor asked him how he was feelin, the 80 year old man man said "things are great and Ive never felt better. I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do ya think of that"?

The doctor considered his words for a minute and then began to tell a story.

I have an older friend much like yourself who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the waters edge. He realized he had left his gun at home and could not shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went "bang bang". Miraculously. two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead, Now what do you think of that? asked the doctor.

The 80 year old man said, "logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.

The doctor replied "My point exactly."

 

ok, i've hit 300, good night guys, stay warm

 

Good night man

 

We've all heard about people having guts or *****. But do you really
>know the
>difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition
>for
>each is listed below...
>
> Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
>by your
>wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or
>are you
>flying somewhere?"
>
> ***** - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
>perfume
>and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
>having the
>bal ls to say: "You're next."
>
> I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
>
> Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both
>ultimately
>result in death.

 

lol randy that was a good one

 

wow you guys have been busy, those were all funny but 7 pages since i last was on here, thats impressive. lmao