Offical NE December chat thread
Postmaster
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,956
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From: Cornfield in Nebr.
STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies,
'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees
the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking
and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Damn it, third gay rooster I bought this month.'
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies,
'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees
the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking
and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Damn it, third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Senior User
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 362
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From: Lincoln NE
Three hillbillies are sitting on a porch. One says, ''My wife has got to be the dumbest. She's so stupid she went shoppin' today and bought an air-conditioner and we don't even have electricity!"
The others laugh.
The next hick says, "Ah that ain't nothin'! My wife's dumber - she went shoppin' yesterday and had a washin' machine delivered!"
They all laughed and laughed because no one had plumbing.
The third hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my woman has got to be the dumbest. Just this mornin' I was looking though her purse for some chewin' tobacco and I found six rubbers. Hell, she ain't got no dick!"
The others laugh.
The next hick says, "Ah that ain't nothin'! My wife's dumber - she went shoppin' yesterday and had a washin' machine delivered!"
They all laughed and laughed because no one had plumbing.
The third hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my woman has got to be the dumbest. Just this mornin' I was looking though her purse for some chewin' tobacco and I found six rubbers. Hell, she ain't got no dick!"
SUPER LAME!!!!!!!!!!!!
Postmaster
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,956
Likes: 0
From: Cornfield in Nebr.
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two
best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter
said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said,
'Nope, ain't Bubba.
'The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to
confirm.
'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.
' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?''
Well, Bubba had two *******s.
''What? He had two *******s?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen em,' but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them
two *******s.'
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two
best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter
said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said,
'Nope, ain't Bubba.
'The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to
confirm.
'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.
' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?''
Well, Bubba had two *******s.
''What? He had two *******s?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen em,' but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them
two *******s.'
Postmaster
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,956
Likes: 0
From: Cornfield in Nebr.
Don't eat chicken sandwiches,
no matter what.....
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
Brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
To the little gir l, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
Down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said
'Oh, my Goodness, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIB LETS!!!
no matter what.....
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
Brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
To the little gir l, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
Down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said
'Oh, my Goodness, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIB LETS!!!
Postmaster
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,956
Likes: 0
From: Cornfield in Nebr.
Quickie In The Bushes
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for
a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we? ' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you **** on its head.'
------------------------- AND JUST WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???--------------------------
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for
a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we? ' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you **** on its head.'
------------------------- AND JUST WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???--------------------------
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Postmaster
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,956
Likes: 0
From: Cornfield in Nebr.
Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom, getting aggravated replies, 'Ok then, now tell me what you think'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom, getting aggravated replies, 'Ok then, now tell me what you think'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'
Senior User
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 362
Likes: 0
From: Lincoln NE
Postmaster
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,956
Likes: 0
From: Cornfield in Nebr.
fortune cookie inserts:Virginity like bubble,
one *****, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car
Get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car
get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket
feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano,
wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through
airport turnstile sideways
going to Bangkok
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ***
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four ***** cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth!
But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib,
but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell,
bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet
is high on pot.
*~*~*~* ~ *~*~* ~ *~*~*
Man who live in glass house should
change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well,
often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church
sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
one *****, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car
Get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car
get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket
feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano,
wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through
airport turnstile sideways
going to Bangkok
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ***
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four ***** cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth!
But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib,
but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell,
bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet
is high on pot.
*~*~*~* ~ *~*~* ~ *~*~*
Man who live in glass house should
change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well,
often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church
sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Fleet Mechanic
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,769
Likes: 29
From: Northeast Nebraska
So! thems some funny jokes there! my turn:::::Chuck Norris got his **** kicked by a pirate. Well, that was actually a rumor started by Chuck to lure in more pirates! aaaaaaarrrrrrr!