give something for the other guys to do first thing in the morning

Hey just out of curiousity, were you able to locate a 4bbl manifold?

 

Hope this doesnt offend anyone..thought it was really funny

THE 6 BEST SMART *** ANSWERS OF 2006

SMART *** ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you
like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

SMART *** ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without
missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not
your stub."

SMART *** ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock
boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART *** ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. I've been waiting for you all
day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as
fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent
the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART *** ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up
t hat reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge
is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars
are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop
gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his
hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver
says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART *** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious
personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family,
but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in
the back of the room raised his hand and sked, "What would you
say i f tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand."

 

i'll ask him when he gets back from town

 

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,

"What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

Ticket -----------------------$95.00
Court Costs ----------------$45.00
Look on cops face --------Priceless

 

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
> difference between potentially and realistically?"
>
> The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
>
> she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your
> sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and
> then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
> dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
>
> So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
> Pitt for a million dollars?"
>
> The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money

> to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
>
> The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad

> Pitt! for a million dollars?"
>
> The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him
> in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
>
> The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad

> Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you

> know how much a million bucks would buy?"
>
> The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his

> dad.
> His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
> potentially and realistically?"
>
> The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
> million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and
> a homo..

 

good afternoon,
its cold out this way. my house is cold. need to get a fire going. and i have a cat bothering me again. i have to build a fire.
later
jack

 

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE...LET ME !


The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday
were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes
when she needed to
communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so
some family members
grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family
grabbed her and stuffed pillows on
her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and
then tied a pillowcase
around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're
looking good! How are they
treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"They won't let me fart."

 

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse
>>full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on
>>talking
>>to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
>>
>>After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an
>>employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
>>
>>The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She
>>placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was
>>curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The
>>elderly woman replied that she made bets.
>>
>>The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
>>
>>The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your *********
>>are
>>square."
>>
>>The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible
>>to
>>win a bet like that.
>>The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said,
>>"Would you like to take my bet?"
>>
>>"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my *********
>>are
>>not square."
>>
>>"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money
>>involved,
>>if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning
>>with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank
>>confidently.
>>
>>
>>That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a
>>long
>>time in front of the mirror examining his *********, turning them this way
>>and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no
>>one could consider his ********* as square and reassuring himself that
>>there
>>was no way he could lose the bet.
>>
>>The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the
>>president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made
>>the
>>day before that the president's ********* were square.
>>
>>The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day
>>before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that
>>she
>>and her lawyer could see clearly.
>>
>>The president was happy to oblige.
>>
>>The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
>>president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given
>>the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
>>
>>The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president
>>noticed
>>that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the
>>elderly
>>woman why he was doing that and she replied,
>>"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in
>>the
>>morning I would be holding the ***** of the President of the Bank of
>>Canada!"

 

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling
me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"Willing to try anything, I
fetch a piece! of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it
between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked."They will grow larger over a period of
years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece
of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over
the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again
although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

 

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me
know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because It was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!
Then one Thanksgiving she was in the kitchen making turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.Warm the innards up to body temperature!...................................... ..and then

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

 

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
>
>couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
>
>The husband watches the convict tie his wife to the bed and get on top of her.

He then has to watch as the stranger begins to kiss on his wives neck.

The husband watches in disgust as the convict then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
>
>While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
>
>"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's
>
>probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain

...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.


>This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.


>Be strong honey, I love you!"
>
>His wife responds:
>
>"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

 

> The Pastor Entered His Donkey In A Race And It Won. The Pastor Was So
> Pleased With The Donkey That He Entered It In Another Race, And It Won
> Again. The Local Paper Read:
> Pastor's *** Out Front.
>
> The Bishop Was So Upset With This Kind Of Publicity That He Ordered The
> Pastor Not To Enter The Donkey In Any More Races. The Next Day, The
> Local Paper Headline Read:
> Bishop Scratches Pastor's ***.
>
> This Was Too Much For The Bishop, So He Ordered The Pastor To Get Rid Of
> The Donkey. The Pastor Decided To Give It To A Nun In A Nearby Convent.
> The Local Paper, Hearing Of The News, Posted The Following Headline The
> Next Day:
> Nun Has The Best *** In Town.
>
> The Bishop Fainted. He Informed The Nun That She Would Have To Get Rid
> Of The Donkey, So She Sold It To A Farmer For $10. The Next Day The
> Paper Read: Nun Sells *** For $10.
>
> This Was Too Much For The Bishop, So He Ordered The Nun To Buy Back The
> Donkey And Lead It To The High Plains Where It Could Run Wild. The Next
> Day The Headlines Read:
> Nun Announces Her *** Is Wild And Free.
>
> Alas .. The Bishop Was Buried The Next Day.
>
> Moral Of The Story?
>
> Being Concerned About Public Opinion Can Bring You Much Grief And
> Misery, And Even Shorten Your Life. So, Be Yourself And Enjoy Life ...
> Stop Worrying About Your *** And Everyone Else's *** And You'll Live
> Longer And Be A Lot Happier.

 

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

 

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

 

I would say this one is guarenteed to make you laugh



Subject: Lizard Birthing Story

Lizard Birthing Story

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the
pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's
what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds
prisoner in his room.

He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying
on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and
Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we
said we didn't want them to reproduce", I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her,
(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
together).

Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I
announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross! they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a
litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I
tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know..
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here
with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is
one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at
the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron,
may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in
labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You
see, Ernie is a young male, and occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they **********. Just the way he did, lying on his
back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm
saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's
just...just...Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More
silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle, and giggle,
and then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing
that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my
flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on
its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards
and our son back in to the car. He was glad everything was going to be
okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad,"
he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter.

2 lizards - $140...

1 cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker -.....
Priceless


They lay eggs!!!