One Liners
Senior User
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 123
Likes: 0
From: Caledonia, Ontario
On my toolbox at work
"Trespassers will be violated"
"The National Association of Undertakers has determined that edited for content with this toolbox is hazardous to your health."
"Caution: This operator is insane. Do not attempt to handle without the proper equipment or training."
On my truck
"My Canada is the people, not the politicians."
General ones
"Never judge a man till you've walked a mile in their shoes, that way, when you judge them, you are a mile away and have their shoes."
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."
"Trespassers will be violated"
"The National Association of Undertakers has determined that edited for content with this toolbox is hazardous to your health."
"Caution: This operator is insane. Do not attempt to handle without the proper equipment or training."
On my truck
"My Canada is the people, not the politicians."
General ones
"Never judge a man till you've walked a mile in their shoes, that way, when you judge them, you are a mile away and have their shoes."
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."
Senior User
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 123
Likes: 0
From: Caledonia, Ontario
Funny, I like that one.
Here's more
---------------------------
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Here's more
---------------------------
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Senior User
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 280
Likes: 0
From: NORCAL
Did you hear about the blonde that put lipstick on her forehead so she could make up her mind?
Did you hear that they found another "Heaven Gates" cult member? Yea...it was a blonde and she was under the sink looking for the comet!
Did you hear about the blonde that threw away her weight loss video because she noticed that the people on the video were not losing weight either?
Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
A: Because they go answer the door.
Q: Why is it a blonde can not have more than a 10 minutes lunchbreak?
A: Because otherwise you have to retrain her.
Q: What do you call a couple of blondes in the front seat of a car?
A: Air Bags.
Q: Do you know what is black and blue and found in a ditch?
A: A man who told one to many blonde jokes.
Q: What do you call a blond with a Chainsaw?
A: Dead.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of waterskis?
A: She's still looking for a lake with a slope.
Q: There were three third graders walking down the street a redhead, brunnette, and a blonde. Which one had the best figure?
A: The Blonde, she was 18.
Q: What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde guy and a blonde girl?
A: The blonde girl's sperm count is higher.
Q: How do blonde's brain cells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you make a one arm blonde fall out of a tree?
A: Wave to her!
Q: What do you call blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes!
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was going to have a baby?
A: I hope it's mine.
Q: Why did the blonde turn into the ditch?
A: She left her blinker on!
Q: How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Q: Why did the blonde jump off the cliff?
A: Because she thought her Maxi-pad had wings.
Q: Why don't blondes like to breast feed their children?
A: Because it hurts when they boil their nipples.
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: You knock on the door.
Q: Why can't a blonde make kool-aide?
A: She can't figure out how to fit 2 quarts of water in a kool-aide packet.
Q: What is dumber than two brunettes that tried to build a house at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Two blondes that tried to burn it down!
Q: What's blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: Why are Blonde's coffins shaped like a triangle?
A: Because everytime their head hits a pillow their legs open.
Q: What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes?
A: An interpreter.
Q: How does a blonde get hurt raking leaves?
A: She falls out of the tree!
Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde who had a bumper sticker that said, "ALL BLONDES AREN'T DUMB?"
A: No one could read it because it was hung upside-down.
Q: Why do blonde's like sunroofs?
A: More legroom.
Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chainlink fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to kill herself?
A: She jumped out a basement window.
Q: Why can't blondes pass their driving tests?
A: Because every time the car stops they jump in the back seat.
Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?
A: She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: Why did the blonde have square *****?
A: She forgot to take the tissue out of the box.
Q: Whats an intelligent blonde?
A: A Golden Retreiver.
Q: What did they call the blonde that was found dead in the closet?
A: The 1994 Hide and Go Seek Champion.
Q: Why was the Blonde's brain the size of a pea after exercising?
A: It swelled up!
Q: How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?
A: There's M&M Shells all over the floor.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who died drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They are both empty from the neck up!
Q: Why does a blonde keep a wire coat hanger in the back seat of her car?
A: In case she locks her keys in.
Q: Did you hear how the Blonde Hockey Team drowned?
A: Spring Training.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a business suit, sitting on a tree, holding a briefcase?
A: A branch manager
Q: Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low?
A: She thought it was Diet Coke.
Q: What does a blonde say after two more years of college?
A: Would you like fries with that?
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: I dont know, and neither does she.
Q: Why has the wave been outlawed at baseball games?
A: Because all the blondes used to drown.
Q: What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?
A: "Today children, we will learn our ABC's..."
Q: What do you call a blonde with a leather jacket?
A: A rebel without a clue.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with a postal worker?
A: A fluezy with an Uzi.
Q: Why did the Blond wear high-heel shoes?
A: She was once told by her mother to never sell herself short.
Q: What goes stop, go, stop, go, stop, go?
A: A blonde at a flashing red light.
Q: What do you call five blondes laying on a beach
A: A public access.
Q: What is a blonde's mating call?
A: I'm SO DRUNK!
Q: What happened to the Blonde Tap Dancer?
A: She fell in the sink.
Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
A: Maybe someday, we'll find bigfoot.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a round room, and tell her to sit in a corner.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: Supermarket trolleys have a mind of their own.
Q: What did the blond say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?
A: Thanks for the refill, honey.
Q: Why don't blondes ever eat pickles?
A: Because they can't ever get their heads out the jar!
Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear with a hose at the end?
A: An air compressor.
Q: What do you call a line of blondes standing ear to ear.
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in the fridge?
A: In case someone wants black coffee.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so stupid?
A: So brunettes can get them!
Q: What does a blonde say after she knocks over an antique vase that is priceless and it cracks on the ground?
A: "It's Okay daddy, I'm alright"
Q: What do blondes and cow patties have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Q: What would a blonde say if you asked her what the score was?
A: 24 to 28, tie.
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institute for higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home.
Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.
Q: What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A: Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.
Q: Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.
Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.
Q: How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.
Q: Why can't Blondes dial 911?
A: They can't find the 11 on the phone!
Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
Q: How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
A: There is white-out all over the monitor.
Q: Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"
Q: How do you drown a Blonde?
A: Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Q: Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.
Q: How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
Q: What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
A: They drowned in Spring Training.
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her joke on Wednesday.
Q: What's a blonde and a postage stamp got in common.
A: Lick Em, Stick Em, Send Em
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been on the computer?
A: There is tipex on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if she has been on again?
A: She has left cheese for the mouse.
Did you hear that they found another "Heaven Gates" cult member? Yea...it was a blonde and she was under the sink looking for the comet!
Did you hear about the blonde that threw away her weight loss video because she noticed that the people on the video were not losing weight either?
Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
A: Because they go answer the door.
Q: Why is it a blonde can not have more than a 10 minutes lunchbreak?
A: Because otherwise you have to retrain her.
Q: What do you call a couple of blondes in the front seat of a car?
A: Air Bags.
Q: Do you know what is black and blue and found in a ditch?
A: A man who told one to many blonde jokes.
Q: What do you call a blond with a Chainsaw?
A: Dead.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of waterskis?
A: She's still looking for a lake with a slope.
Q: There were three third graders walking down the street a redhead, brunnette, and a blonde. Which one had the best figure?
A: The Blonde, she was 18.
Q: What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde guy and a blonde girl?
A: The blonde girl's sperm count is higher.
Q: How do blonde's brain cells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you make a one arm blonde fall out of a tree?
A: Wave to her!
Q: What do you call blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes!
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was going to have a baby?
A: I hope it's mine.
Q: Why did the blonde turn into the ditch?
A: She left her blinker on!
Q: How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Q: Why did the blonde jump off the cliff?
A: Because she thought her Maxi-pad had wings.
Q: Why don't blondes like to breast feed their children?
A: Because it hurts when they boil their nipples.
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: You knock on the door.
Q: Why can't a blonde make kool-aide?
A: She can't figure out how to fit 2 quarts of water in a kool-aide packet.
Q: What is dumber than two brunettes that tried to build a house at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Two blondes that tried to burn it down!
Q: What's blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: Why are Blonde's coffins shaped like a triangle?
A: Because everytime their head hits a pillow their legs open.
Q: What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes?
A: An interpreter.
Q: How does a blonde get hurt raking leaves?
A: She falls out of the tree!
Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde who had a bumper sticker that said, "ALL BLONDES AREN'T DUMB?"
A: No one could read it because it was hung upside-down.
Q: Why do blonde's like sunroofs?
A: More legroom.
Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chainlink fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to kill herself?
A: She jumped out a basement window.
Q: Why can't blondes pass their driving tests?
A: Because every time the car stops they jump in the back seat.
Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?
A: She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: Why did the blonde have square *****?
A: She forgot to take the tissue out of the box.
Q: Whats an intelligent blonde?
A: A Golden Retreiver.
Q: What did they call the blonde that was found dead in the closet?
A: The 1994 Hide and Go Seek Champion.
Q: Why was the Blonde's brain the size of a pea after exercising?
A: It swelled up!
Q: How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?
A: There's M&M Shells all over the floor.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who died drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They are both empty from the neck up!
Q: Why does a blonde keep a wire coat hanger in the back seat of her car?
A: In case she locks her keys in.
Q: Did you hear how the Blonde Hockey Team drowned?
A: Spring Training.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a business suit, sitting on a tree, holding a briefcase?
A: A branch manager
Q: Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low?
A: She thought it was Diet Coke.
Q: What does a blonde say after two more years of college?
A: Would you like fries with that?
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: I dont know, and neither does she.
Q: Why has the wave been outlawed at baseball games?
A: Because all the blondes used to drown.
Q: What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?
A: "Today children, we will learn our ABC's..."
Q: What do you call a blonde with a leather jacket?
A: A rebel without a clue.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with a postal worker?
A: A fluezy with an Uzi.
Q: Why did the Blond wear high-heel shoes?
A: She was once told by her mother to never sell herself short.
Q: What goes stop, go, stop, go, stop, go?
A: A blonde at a flashing red light.
Q: What do you call five blondes laying on a beach
A: A public access.
Q: What is a blonde's mating call?
A: I'm SO DRUNK!
Q: What happened to the Blonde Tap Dancer?
A: She fell in the sink.
Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
A: Maybe someday, we'll find bigfoot.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a round room, and tell her to sit in a corner.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: Supermarket trolleys have a mind of their own.
Q: What did the blond say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?
A: Thanks for the refill, honey.
Q: Why don't blondes ever eat pickles?
A: Because they can't ever get their heads out the jar!
Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear with a hose at the end?
A: An air compressor.
Q: What do you call a line of blondes standing ear to ear.
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in the fridge?
A: In case someone wants black coffee.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so stupid?
A: So brunettes can get them!
Q: What does a blonde say after she knocks over an antique vase that is priceless and it cracks on the ground?
A: "It's Okay daddy, I'm alright"
Q: What do blondes and cow patties have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Q: What would a blonde say if you asked her what the score was?
A: 24 to 28, tie.
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institute for higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home.
Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.
Q: What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A: Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.
Q: Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.
Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.
Q: How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.
Q: Why can't Blondes dial 911?
A: They can't find the 11 on the phone!
Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
Q: How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
A: There is white-out all over the monitor.
Q: Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"
Q: How do you drown a Blonde?
A: Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Q: Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.
Q: How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
Q: What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
A: They drowned in Spring Training.
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her joke on Wednesday.
Q: What's a blonde and a postage stamp got in common.
A: Lick Em, Stick Em, Send Em
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been on the computer?
A: There is tipex on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if she has been on again?
A: She has left cheese for the mouse.
Elder User
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 883
Likes: 0
From: Bel Air, MD
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Posting Guru
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 1,668
Likes: 3
From: Lincoln USA
"That boys got less sense than a woodpecker on an aluminum phone pole."
"I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem."
"Looks like he evolved from the shallow end of the gene pool."
"Do unto others, then run."
"I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem."
"Looks like he evolved from the shallow end of the gene pool."
"Do unto others, then run."
Junior User
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 87
Likes: 0
From: Claresholm, Alberta
Sorry about this. It's scary but I had to share it.
Being bisexual automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Q: Do you know why Helen Keller couldn't drive
A: She was female.
Chris
Alberta
Being bisexual automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Q: Do you know why Helen Keller couldn't drive
A: She was female.
Chris
Alberta
Elder User
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 858
Likes: 0
From: Kentucky
"I'm busier than a one-eyed cat watchin' 2 rat holes" ; "Work harder, millions on welfare are depending on you" ; "God helps those who help themselves, the government helps those who don't" ; "I don't have a dog in that fight".