A nurse says to her patient,
“I do not know what came over to me."

"On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I
promise that it won't happen again."

Now, what seems to be the problem?”
“It's swollen”, her patient replied.
____________________________________

Ok. Naked Running. We're at the Start on the Nude beach and the Starter yell out, "No GPS, Music, or any other tech."
" I wish I had known this an hour ago, I could have trained better, now I've gotta follow some big fat *** to know the route."
Hopefully some of it will be some fun!

 

Thank you for calling heaven. I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now.
However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
The Holy Spirit, press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5,
then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign.
(If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)

For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth,
life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Later I had even more problems:

To resolve conflicts between management and staff,
I brought both sides together and
asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart.
One participant complained about management’s
tendency to interfere and wrote the word nitpicking.
A manager leaped to his feet to ask,
“Shouldn’t there be a hyphen between nit and picking?”

 

Well; "A Camel is a Horse," that was Designed by a Committee ! :

Everyone was seated around the table
as the food was being served.

When little Logan received his plate,
he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer,"
his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted,
"we say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained,
"but this is Grandma's house, she knows how to cook."

 

Bubba walks into the doctor's office and the receptionist asks him what he had.
Bubba says: "Shingles." So she writes down his name, address, medical insurance
number and tells him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asks Bubba what he had.
Bubba says, 'Shingles' So she writes down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and tells Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse comes in and asks Bubba what he has. Bubba says,
"Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and
asked Bubba what he had. Bubba says, "Shingles." The doctor asks, "Where?"

Bubba says, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload em?"

__________________________________________________ ___________

 

One day the big animals and the little animals
decided to have a football game.
As the first half went along,
the big animals were scoring at will.
Every time they got the ball they
would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half..

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle.
WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle
cheering and congratulating each other.
"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.
"I did," said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle.
WHOMP!! Tackled for another five-yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked,
"Who made that great stop?"
"I did," said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep,
led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks.
SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede,
"Where were you in the first half?"
The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"

____________________________________

 

Lil Johnny is a witness to a crime &
is called to testify in court.

He's approached by the defense attorney who asks him,
"Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes, sir," answered Lil Johnny.

"I thought so," says the attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father did, sir."
"And what did he tell you Lil Johnny ?"
the attorney asks accusingly.

"Lil Johnny answers, "my Dad said, that the lawyers
would try to get me all tangled up,
but if I just tell the truth, what I saw,
everything would be all right."

 

The Little boy is asked what he wants most for his birthday and he declares: "A baby Sister."
"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said his mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."
The little boy then asks, "Why don't you do like they do down at Dad's factory when they want something
in a hurry? Put more men on the job." .....

 

A beautiful woman steps out of the water and up onto the beach,
with a floating large steamer trunk. The Guy helps her get settled,
rested, fed, dried off and they start to talk.

Emma asks Barry, " is there something you've really missed
being out here on this Island. "A clean shirt," was Barry's reply.
Emma reached into the steamer trunk and tosses Barry a new shirt.

"Surely there's SOMETHING you've really missed out here?"
"Your all alone...on an island with nobody all this time?"

"Oh wow, YEAH, there sure is,"
"I'd REALLY like a dry pillow to sleep on." .....

 

The kids that worked at Rag's Restaurant
weren't bad kids, they just wanted to have a lil fun.
So one summer day the river slides, rides and Blue pool that opened up
and Gonzo, their boss wanted to take them to the Fun pools.

So Gonzo said were closing up early tonight.
and going to the Slides and pool.
Gonzo breaks out the bottles of beer and
the kids start getting messed up.

So later that day Gonzo is swinging from a rope and
falling into the Blue pool and the kids laugh, thas funny !
Next day those kids are at work and in comes Gonzo.

Kids say they need some help Gonzo !
So Gonzo goes in the back and goes
into the walk in cooler & tries to get down a
big container of mixed sandwich spread from
the high shelfs, thus spilling it
all over his head cause he's 5' tall

And the kids just rolled in laughter. .
Them kids aren't bad childs
they just want ta have a little fun !

 

 

"I want you to skip your diet every other day.!"
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Beautiful but overweight woman returned, she
shocked her doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing," her doctor said,
"Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though,
I thought I was going to drop dead every other day.
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor."
"No, from skipping."

 

The Attorney has passed away and at the pearly gates he is standing Infront of the gatekeeper,
"Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?" "Yes," the Attorney admits.
"When I was a young prelaw student at Harvard, we played a soccer game against
Yale & I scored a goal, I knew I was offside.....I scored a goal, but the referee did not see it, and
the goal won us the match. I regret that now." "Well," said the gatekeeper.
"That is a very minor sin. You may enter." "Thank you very much, Saint Peter," Attorney says.
"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break.

 

 

"Whenever the bull tried to mount our cow, she'd move away.
If Bulls approached from the back, she moves forward.
When they approached her from the front, she backs off.
An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asks,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded,
they had not mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they say.
"How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replies with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Illinois."

I once tossed a Silver Dollar into the Air,
It fell to earth I knew not where.
But Snowball found it in the House Roof Drain.

 

Alvin walks into a bar and sees his friend Hershal sitting beside a 12-inch pianist.
Alvin asks his friend, “That’s amazing. Where did he come from?”
Hershal pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant
him one wish. Alvin rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple
smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie.

In a booming voice, the genie offers Alvin one wish. He thinks on it and
says, “I wish I had a million bucks.” All of a sudden, the bar is filled with ducks,
bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar,
dunking their heads into people’s drinks.

“What just happened?” His friend replies, “I know.
Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?” ..... .....