The Mindless "Safe for FTE Joke Thread"
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
John is shocked by the doctor's suggestion, but he decides to give it a go.
Sure enough, he starts feeling loads better after a couple of weeks and
realizes that he'll never eat peas again.
Anyway, one night,he's sitting in a bar
having a conversation with friends.
One of them says, "I'd love a cigarette,
because I haven't had a smoke in four years.
My wife persuaded me to give them up."
Another guy says, "I haven't played a game of golf in three years,
because it cost me my first marriage. So I gave it up."
Then John says, "I haven't had a pea in six years!"
When she hears this, the Pretty lil bartender yells,
"Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table!"
_______________________________________
ARE YOU AWARE OF;
The pretty - hottie barmaids are the social leaders in all communities.
Sure enough, he starts feeling loads better after a couple of weeks and
realizes that he'll never eat peas again.
Anyway, one night,he's sitting in a bar
having a conversation with friends.
One of them says, "I'd love a cigarette,
because I haven't had a smoke in four years.
My wife persuaded me to give them up."
Another guy says, "I haven't played a game of golf in three years,
because it cost me my first marriage. So I gave it up."
Then John says, "I haven't had a pea in six years!"
When she hears this, the Pretty lil bartender yells,
"Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table!"
_______________________________________
ARE YOU AWARE OF;
The pretty - hottie barmaids are the social leaders in all communities.
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
Mr. and Mrs. Thomas are 102 years old.
They have been married 74 years.
The local television station sends a crew out to interview them.
"What we need to do," the reporter explains, "is to interview you
separately. It just seems to make for a better Video interview
when we do it that way.
So, if you don't mind waiting, Mrs. Thomas, we'll go out on
the porch with your husband and visit with him for a few
minutes first."
After they are settled on the porch, the reporter began his interview.
"Mr. Thomas, what do you think is the cause of your longevity?"
"Well..." Mr. Thomas drawled thoughtfully.
"I get up early every morning. I eat pretty good,
you know, garden food and such....and...oh,
yeah! God talks to me!"
"You say God actually talks to you?"
"Yep," the old-timer replied sincerely. "We're pretty close.
In fact, when I have to get up and go to the bathroom during the night,
God even turns the light on for me."
The reporter excuses himself and goes to interview Mrs. Thomas.
"I don't mean anything unkind by this, Ma'am,
but is Mr. Thomas okay...mentally, I mean?"
"Why?" she asks curiously.
"Well, he says that when he goes to the bathroom at night,
God turns on the light for him," the reporter explained.
"Oh, damn!" Mrs. Thomas said, irritably.
"That old fart pee'n in the refrigerator again?"
_________________________________________
Take away ALL the negative talk and it's not SO BAD!
Awareness that one can spot a lunatic by how they act is for certain!
They have been married 74 years.
The local television station sends a crew out to interview them.
"What we need to do," the reporter explains, "is to interview you
separately. It just seems to make for a better Video interview
when we do it that way.
So, if you don't mind waiting, Mrs. Thomas, we'll go out on
the porch with your husband and visit with him for a few
minutes first."
After they are settled on the porch, the reporter began his interview.
"Mr. Thomas, what do you think is the cause of your longevity?"
"Well..." Mr. Thomas drawled thoughtfully.
"I get up early every morning. I eat pretty good,
you know, garden food and such....and...oh,
yeah! God talks to me!"
"You say God actually talks to you?"
"Yep," the old-timer replied sincerely. "We're pretty close.
In fact, when I have to get up and go to the bathroom during the night,
God even turns the light on for me."
The reporter excuses himself and goes to interview Mrs. Thomas.
"I don't mean anything unkind by this, Ma'am,
but is Mr. Thomas okay...mentally, I mean?"
"Why?" she asks curiously.
"Well, he says that when he goes to the bathroom at night,
God turns on the light for him," the reporter explained.
"Oh, damn!" Mrs. Thomas said, irritably.
"That old fart pee'n in the refrigerator again?"
_________________________________________
Take away ALL the negative talk and it's not SO BAD!
Awareness that one can spot a lunatic by how they act is for certain!
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
Phil's tries rushing his wife over to the hospital.
1st the car won't start so he starts up the PU to warm it.
Phil then runs most traffic signs rushing.
Soon the RN is prepping his wife and the Dr. stumbles
into the Delivery room. Phill's brother Bill arrived at the hospital.
Bill is a little slow of speech.
The doctor calls Phil in to watch the birth & he walks in with pride!
But when he saw the blood and everything else, he fainted.
When Phil woke up he was in a bed and sees the doctor standing above him.
The doctor said, "Phill, you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is
fine and she had twins." Phill became tremendously happy.
The doctor then says, "They are a boy and a girl!"
Phil becomes immensely happy!! The doctor continues,
"You were unconscious, so your wife requested your brother
Bill name the kids."
Phil's anger returns and he says, "What! My brother the idiot!
I can't believe you let him! What did he name them!?"
The doctor replies, "Your daughters, Denice "
Phil answered, "Hey not bad! I underestimated my brother.
Well, what did he name my son?" Dnephew." .....
________________________________________________
IT'S A GOOD THING KIDS PLAY A LOT OF GAMES ON THEIR PHONES TODAY ?
Awareness that on can spot a lunatic by how they ace is for certain.
1st the car won't start so he starts up the PU to warm it.
Phil then runs most traffic signs rushing.
Soon the RN is prepping his wife and the Dr. stumbles
into the Delivery room. Phill's brother Bill arrived at the hospital.
Bill is a little slow of speech.
The doctor calls Phil in to watch the birth & he walks in with pride!
But when he saw the blood and everything else, he fainted.
When Phil woke up he was in a bed and sees the doctor standing above him.
The doctor said, "Phill, you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is
fine and she had twins." Phill became tremendously happy.
The doctor then says, "They are a boy and a girl!"
Phil becomes immensely happy!! The doctor continues,
"You were unconscious, so your wife requested your brother
Bill name the kids."
Phil's anger returns and he says, "What! My brother the idiot!
I can't believe you let him! What did he name them!?"
The doctor replies, "Your daughters, Denice "
Phil answered, "Hey not bad! I underestimated my brother.
Well, what did he name my son?" Dnephew." .....
________________________________________________
IT'S A GOOD THING KIDS PLAY A LOT OF GAMES ON THEIR PHONES TODAY ?
Awareness that on can spot a lunatic by how they ace is for certain.
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
The Lil Brother is on trial for murder and if convicted, will get life imprisonment.
His older brother finds out that an Irish man is on the jury and figures he's the one to bribe.
He tell the Irish man that he will be paid $10,000 if he can convince the rest of the jury
to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury is out an entire week and returns a verdict of manslaughter.
So after the trial, the Older brother goes to the Irish man's house,
tells him what a great job he has done and pays him the $10,000.
The Irish man replies, "It wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury
to change the charge to manslaughter.
They all wanted to let him off."
____________________________
You know there are always at least several ways to interpret the English language.
His older brother finds out that an Irish man is on the jury and figures he's the one to bribe.
He tell the Irish man that he will be paid $10,000 if he can convince the rest of the jury
to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury is out an entire week and returns a verdict of manslaughter.
So after the trial, the Older brother goes to the Irish man's house,
tells him what a great job he has done and pays him the $10,000.
The Irish man replies, "It wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury
to change the charge to manslaughter.
They all wanted to let him off."
____________________________
You know there are always at least several ways to interpret the English language.
Last edited by Papa Tiger; Jan 12, 2026 at 10:03 PM.
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
A parrot flies into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender gives the parrot a drink.
The parrot complains:
"Hey! You forgot the little umbrella!"
The bartender puts the little umbrella into the drink and
the parrot is satisfied.
The parrot drinks a couple more drinks and then leaves.
After the parrot has left,
a man sitting next to it says to the bartender:
"Huh, I've never seen anything like that before!"
The bartender replies:
"So! ... Anyone can forget the little umbrella !"
__________________________________________
I FORGOT ABOUT THE 3 CARROT WEDDING DIAMOND ABOVE THE PARROTS TALONS.
Knowledge that one can spot a lunatic by how they act is for certain.
The bartender gives the parrot a drink.
The parrot complains:
"Hey! You forgot the little umbrella!"
The bartender puts the little umbrella into the drink and
the parrot is satisfied.
The parrot drinks a couple more drinks and then leaves.
After the parrot has left,
a man sitting next to it says to the bartender:
"Huh, I've never seen anything like that before!"
The bartender replies:
"So! ... Anyone can forget the little umbrella !"
__________________________________________
I FORGOT ABOUT THE 3 CARROT WEDDING DIAMOND ABOVE THE PARROTS TALONS.
Knowledge that one can spot a lunatic by how they act is for certain.
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
The only way to change things is to bore them to sleep.
Then move their bed close to the bathroom door and open it.
If they are lucky they won't walk into it? Get the idea?
_____________________________________________
I USED TO THINK JOKES COULD BE FUN!
Awareness knowledge that one can spot a Lunatic by how they act is for certain.
Then move their bed close to the bathroom door and open it.
If they are lucky they won't walk into it? Get the idea?
_____________________________________________
I USED TO THINK JOKES COULD BE FUN!
Awareness knowledge that one can spot a Lunatic by how they act is for certain.
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
So, you lay your left ear on a sweet hotties leg,
hear her heartbeat, then, "WTF are you doing,"
before blacking out from a Frozen bottle of water
against your skull?
______________________
Sometimes opportunity is ill advised.
hear her heartbeat, then, "WTF are you doing,"
before blacking out from a Frozen bottle of water
against your skull?
______________________
Sometimes opportunity is ill advised.
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.
His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says,
“No honey for you for one month!”
Later that afternoon,
Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
“That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner,
a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it and
then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says,
“Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”
_________________________________________________
NOT TOUCHING IT SON, NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. LET HER PICK IT UP!
His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says,
“No honey for you for one month!”
Later that afternoon,
Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
“That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner,
a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it and
then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says,
“Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”
_________________________________________________
NOT TOUCHING IT SON, NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. LET HER PICK IT UP!
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
It's the third consecutive day of the guy going to the bar.
Orders another six double vodkas.
The Bartender says, "Geez Sweetie! Doesn't
anybody in your family like women?".
"Yeah, my wife..."
________________________
That can die at the door streps, down to the street in Boston.
Awareness knowledge that one can spot a Lunatic by their actions is Certain.
Orders another six double vodkas.
The Bartender says, "Geez Sweetie! Doesn't
anybody in your family like women?".
"Yeah, my wife..."
________________________
That can die at the door streps, down to the street in Boston.
Awareness knowledge that one can spot a Lunatic by their actions is Certain.
Thread Starter
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
The other day I saw the elderly Man and Wife walking single file down the Side
Of the Road, 65 ish, shuffling along, him in a Tee and her orange hair glowing,
both had their thumbs on their smart phones. Wonder if they realize where their at ?
__________________________________________________ ________________
ITS 200' FISHING BOAT RAMP
Of the Road, 65 ish, shuffling along, him in a Tee and her orange hair glowing,
both had their thumbs on their smart phones. Wonder if they realize where their at ?
__________________________________________________ ________________
ITS 200' FISHING BOAT RAMP
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
The man’s feeling poorly & so he an his lil woman go see their Doc.
Man says, “Doc I been feeling out of sorts !”
Doc says, “let’s do a check on you, then let me talk with the Mrs.”
So they do the check up, the Doc says, “we need you on a good balanced diet!”
So the Man goes out in the waiting room while the Doc speaks with the Mrs.
Doc says, “ you need to let your man unwind, watch what he wants, have a night
out with the guys a week, that sort of stuff !”
Wife goes out to her man patiently waiting in the room and says,
“My husband, you are surely gonna die soon!”
____________________________________
THANKFULLY HE HAD LOTS OF MONEY INVESTED IN PORK BELLIES;
Man says, “Doc I been feeling out of sorts !”
Doc says, “let’s do a check on you, then let me talk with the Mrs.”
So they do the check up, the Doc says, “we need you on a good balanced diet!”
So the Man goes out in the waiting room while the Doc speaks with the Mrs.
Doc says, “ you need to let your man unwind, watch what he wants, have a night
out with the guys a week, that sort of stuff !”
Wife goes out to her man patiently waiting in the room and says,
“My husband, you are surely gonna die soon!”
____________________________________
THANKFULLY HE HAD LOTS OF MONEY INVESTED IN PORK BELLIES;
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
Patrick walks into a bar and asks the hottie bartender for 3 mugs of beer.
The Hot lil bartender says, “Sweetie our brews have better head served one at a time fresh from the Keg.”
Well Patrick thinks on that and says, “ I have two brothers an we drink this way thinking of each other,
it's our salute to each other.”
So Patrick all 6'6" becomes a regular always ordering the same of the Bartender.
One evening Patrick steps into the bar and ordered 2 drafts from the Hottie.
A hush befalls the bar, all saddened! The Bartender says, "Sweetie I am so
sorry for your loss!”
“Oh that, I’ve quit drinking.”
_____________________
hahahahahahahahaha, fooled ya didn't I
The Hot lil bartender says, “Sweetie our brews have better head served one at a time fresh from the Keg.”
Well Patrick thinks on that and says, “ I have two brothers an we drink this way thinking of each other,
it's our salute to each other.”
So Patrick all 6'6" becomes a regular always ordering the same of the Bartender.
One evening Patrick steps into the bar and ordered 2 drafts from the Hottie.
A hush befalls the bar, all saddened! The Bartender says, "Sweetie I am so
sorry for your loss!”
“Oh that, I’ve quit drinking.”
_____________________
hahahahahahahahaha, fooled ya didn't I
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From: Near Cal. Avenue
Two nuns were walking home one night down a very dark street. One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning. They soon noticed that a man was following them.
They would speed up, and he would speed up. They would stop, and he would stop.
Sister Mathematical started to become afraid. "Oh dear...this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now!
What does he want?" "It's only logical," Sister Logical replied. "He wants to have his way with us."
"Oh dear God!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them.
"In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!" Sister Mathematical shrieked. "What do we do?" "Oh, that's logical," Sister Logical said calmly.
"You and I will have to split up. You run one way to the convent, and I will join you there." Without asking another question, the nuns split up.
Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical. A few minutes after
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered. "Sister, I am so glad to see you," Sister Mathematical gasped.
"It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home. I was so worried! How in heaven's name did you escape?" "Oh that's logical," Sister Logical began,
catching her breath. "He got to me and grabbed me. I knew what he wanted. So, I pulled up my habit." "Oh dear, Sister. Then what?"
"He pulled down his pants....""Oh, Sister...!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. "Then what happened?!" "Well, that's logical," Sister Logical explained.
"A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!"-
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THATS THE HONEST TRUTH THERE
They would speed up, and he would speed up. They would stop, and he would stop.
Sister Mathematical started to become afraid. "Oh dear...this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now!
What does he want?" "It's only logical," Sister Logical replied. "He wants to have his way with us."
"Oh dear God!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them.
"In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!" Sister Mathematical shrieked. "What do we do?" "Oh, that's logical," Sister Logical said calmly.
"You and I will have to split up. You run one way to the convent, and I will join you there." Without asking another question, the nuns split up.
Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical. A few minutes after
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered. "Sister, I am so glad to see you," Sister Mathematical gasped.
"It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home. I was so worried! How in heaven's name did you escape?" "Oh that's logical," Sister Logical began,
catching her breath. "He got to me and grabbed me. I knew what he wanted. So, I pulled up my habit." "Oh dear, Sister. Then what?"
"He pulled down his pants....""Oh, Sister...!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. "Then what happened?!" "Well, that's logical," Sister Logical explained.
"A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!"-
----------------------------------------------------
THATS THE HONEST TRUTH THERE
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The Passengers are crowded on the continental Train Express heading cross country Eastward.
In the darkness of those moments in the tunnel, the passengers heard two things - a kiss and a slap.
Everyone on the train had his or her own outlook of what happened. For example . . .
The young lady assumed to herself, "While I'm flattered that the handsome someone kissed me,
I'm embarrassed that my grandmother slapped him."
The grandmother supposed, "I'm disappointed with the granddaughter, the lil ****,
but I'm proud that she hit him."
The general thought, "What in the world . . . why did that young hot chick slap me?
__________________________________
SURE ITS BELIEVABLE
In the darkness of those moments in the tunnel, the passengers heard two things - a kiss and a slap.
Everyone on the train had his or her own outlook of what happened. For example . . .
The young lady assumed to herself, "While I'm flattered that the handsome someone kissed me,
I'm embarrassed that my grandmother slapped him."
The grandmother supposed, "I'm disappointed with the granddaughter, the lil ****,
but I'm proud that she hit him."
The general thought, "What in the world . . . why did that young hot chick slap me?
__________________________________
SURE ITS BELIEVABLE