this is for the guys and if it gets you in trouble its not my fault, ;Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!



1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem . See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

Wide Butt

A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Gee, honey, your butt is as wide as the BBQ grill." The wife ignores his remark.

A little later, the husband, measuring tape in hand, walked over to his wife. While she was bending over to tend to her flower bed, he measured her back side. "Honey, your butt IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignores his remark.

Later that night, while in bed, the husband began to feel amorous. He starts to hug her and stroke her until the wife said, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you're out of your mind!!"

 

Yeahhhhh Buddy

Subject: Kentucky Firewood


"Hello, is this the Bullitt Co. Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes."
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Bullitt Co. Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's
house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneered at Virgil and
left

The phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

 

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD." Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

 

How the World Works Lately



Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...




If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the
restaurant.



If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family
blames the tobacco company.




If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the
bartender.




If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.




If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.







And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries
to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers
kill him instead, the mother of the deceased
blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it
is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled body is
parked in front of this computer,

I want you to blame Bill Gates...

Okay?

 

Doctors and Guns

WHAT WE ALL SHOULD KNOW.

Doctors:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.
Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, is 80 million.

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.



Statistics courtesy of F.B.I.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.



Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."



FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT, ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.



Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!



Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

 

A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect
breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for
$100?"
Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you
let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000?"
So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?"
She thinks a bit more. "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that
dark alley over there."
So they go to the alley and she takes off her blouse to reveal the most
perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on
them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his
face in them ... but not biting them.
Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or
what?"
"Nah," he replies. "Costs too much."

 

Phrases you wish you could say at work:
> >
> >1. Ahhh...I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again...
> >2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
> >pronounce.
> >3. How about never? Is never good for you?
> >4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
> > public.
> >5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship
> me.
> >6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
> >7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
> >8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
> >9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
> >10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
> >11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
> >12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
> >13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
> >14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
> >15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
> >16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
> > of view.
> >17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
> >18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
> >19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
> >20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
> >21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
> >22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
> >23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
> >24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
> >25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
> >26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
> >27. Do I look like a people person?
> >28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
> >29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
> >31. You!... Off my planet!
> >32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
> >33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
> >34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
> >35. Allow me to introduce my selves.
> >36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
> >37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
> >38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
> >40. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
> >41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
> >42. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't
> > fallen asleep yet.
> >43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
> >44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
> >45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
> >46. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
> >47. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
> >48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
> >49. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
> >50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

 

Did You Know...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.


(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.


(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.


(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.


(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)


(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.


(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)


The male pray mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.


("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.


(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.


(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.


(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.


(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.


(Hmmmmm.....)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.


(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.


(OK, so that would be a good thing.................)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.


(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.


(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.


(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.


(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.


(What about that pig??)

 

see ya chrissy,
its cold out here no rain or snow either! mt.hood gets all the snow! were at 910ft mt.hood is 11,240ft. all the mountains have snow on them. but still have to fire up the woodstove! cold cats pester me all the time! but not below freezing yet! i have to winterize my dodge and the ranger!

jack

 

THE MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.









THE MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.

 

>REDNECK ENGINEERING EXAM

1.Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10-pound possum.

2.Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on
blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64
Pontiac GTO.

3.If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons
of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the
product?

4.A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density
of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is
2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?

5.If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6.A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a
field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16
feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch
collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with
an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the
children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8.A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep
grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average
traffic on secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a
vehicle that has a muffler?

9.A coalmine operates in an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area.
The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the
beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be
smoked during the shift?

10.At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation,
how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to
breed a country-western singer?

 

randy,
you type too much!i guess the shop is slow! no offense!

jack

 

William and Mildred were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas.

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."

"Mildred, she's a prostitute." "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing? "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all," she said. William asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Candie laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." "Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it." William said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up behind William pointed slyly at Mildred, and said,


"See what you get for $25?"

 

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?"
It's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her ****.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war. Hell, do both - GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books New York, New York.


If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or *********, you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.