Lil Johnnys mother is rapidly becoming an exaperated Mom !
Lil Johnny is always getting into Mischief!
So finally Mom asks him, Lil Johnny,
"How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
Well Lil Johnny thinks a bit, as a boy always needs time to think if he can !
Well Lil Johnny thinks and he thinks about thinking it over !
So now Lil Johnny has thought about it, thinking it over as best he can quickly think and says,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Lil Johnny, come in or stay out!'"

 

Scientists at Rolls Royce builds a pneumatic gun specifically to launch dead chickens
at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions
with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers hear about the gun and
are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements are made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun is fired, the engineers are shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel,
crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes into to smithereens,
blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified engineers send Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
Defrost the chicken..

 

 

 

 

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

Kid says, "One."

Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says "$201,237.64.

Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing."

 

↑ now thas manly advise thar ! ...........

 

 

 

Four men are in the waiting room at a hospital where their wives were having babies. The nurse comes out and tells the first man "congratulations, your wife had twins". The man says, "wow, what a coincidence, I work for the Minnesota Twins". The nurse says to the second man, "congratulations, your wife had triplets". The man says, "wow, what a coincidence, I work for 3M". She turns to the third man and says, "congratulations, your wife had quadruplets". The man says, "wow, what a coincidence, I work for Four Seasons hotels". The nurse turns to the fourth man who had passed out on the floor. As he wakes up the nurses says, "sir, are you all right?" The man says, "no, I'm not all right, I work for 7-up".

 

Lil Johnny is in the middle of a few projects around at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. He is hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. He has old work clothes on. Lil Johnny knows the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of these projects He realizes he needs to run to Home Depot for supplies.
Depending on Lil Johnnys age he might do the following:
In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some
hot chick while standing in the checkout line.
And yes, Lil Johnny went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone lil Johnny went to school with.
In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is Lil Johnnys daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.
In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't
want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt any more
because it makes you look fat.
The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember --
the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms'
In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute but Lil Johnny doesn't have his glasses on, so he's not sure.
In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares atLil Johnny and he realizes his ***** are hanging out the hole in the crotch.
In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter.
You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your name.
So Lil Johnny in his 90s and beyond: Says
"What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?"

 

 

A Mythbusters episode focused on this. It was intended to show how the glass held up to a bird strike. They set up a control box with a dozen panes of glass with an inch or two between them, then fired the chicken at the first pane. The test was repeated several times and the carnage typically stopped about the 3rd pane. Their slow-mo video was awesome. A fan had written in about the frozen chicken so in a later episode they repeated the test with the frozen chicken. All 12 panes were reduced to dust and the chick barely slowed until hitting the back of the box.

Mythbusters was a great show.

 

If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock;
Or some joker who is slicker
Will trick you of your liquor,
If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.

 

Thats great advise for the City folk, the country folk have ornery Goats ! ..........
A Farmer never walks away from his goats without feeding them something.