Counselling might be an option here, you should be at the sessions too to show you are serious in making this work. Trick is to find a good one, trust me there are a lot of wack jobs who are severly lacking in the field.

Sounds like you want to make this work but she has to take the next step...at least she admitted there is a problem so that is a good start.

 

Where ever you are, Take some pictyures of the nastiest, dirtiest, fattests females over there, send them home, and tell her that all the chicks look like that.

 

Jake,,you are so cruel! Funny,,but cruel! Seriously Wezol,,do what I said,,take a picture or two of the room you are in while you are on the phone.Those pictures will speak volumes about her hearing other voices. And while you are at it,,take pictures of your surroundings,,,your rack,(bed for you guys with naughty thoughts) The weight room,etc,,Give her some idea of what life is like there,it will help her understand that you are not at the playboy mansion,,,but if you are,,,I am soooooo jealous!

 

> Do I just chalk it up to her having a hard time?

Yes.

I read post #13 a few times myself, excellent.

My advice is true love is hard to find and if you really love the woman then work it out. From the sound of it, this person is under 21, immature, has a young heart not beaten into the dust already, and probably has not had a lot of boyfriends.

imo, It is not a bad thing to have a heart yearn and want you so badly that she can't contain her feelings of defending what is hers and hating anything that might be a threat to her. She probably wants you enough that it actually hurts.

Even if she does not come out and say it, she probably worries about you dying too. She probably cries for an hour after talking to you.

Talking is fine, but, write letters and send photos too. It would not hurt to send her a letter per day, even if it is just a card. Ever read the stories from WWII about children finding the love letters send by someone killed in combat to their mother every day? Give her something to read and cherish when you are not there.

Try to find a way to call without background noise that will distract her and cause her mind to run free.

On the logic level of this, you have to decide if she is the type of woman that can learn to handle you having a armed services job (or policeman as an example of another job that would not be cool) and decide what is more important to you. Her or your job. You might not be able to have both.

I have been married to my slightly jealous wife that loves me for 20 years with a 1/2 a dozen kids. I avoid pushing her buttons, avoid pushing your fiancee's. Once married and over time the insecurity probably will ease.

 

If you're having to work this hard to make your relationship work now just think how much harder (and riskier) it will be once you're married.

Just my .02

 

OK, so you in fact know this girl well and love her for who she is. So why not tell her you're not cheating everyday? What's it gonna hurt? Best way to help someone get over an insecurity is to give them security. Sometimes people just need to hear things straight out and unvarnished - like you're proud to say it 'cause being faithful to her is a central aspect of your love for her:

"My darling, it warms my heart to know that having me all to yourself is so important to you. Knowing the same thing is important to me too. Don't worry, I couldn't possibly be tempted by any of the women here 'cause you are my one and only true love."

"If there are women here, I hadn't really noticed - my eyes are only for you."

"I agree with you completely, in this world too many people don't know the value of being true to their loved one and it's important we get this point straight before we're married - so here it is straight out - absolute fidelity to each other is one of the most important values I think a couple should have, and I'm counting on both of us living those words everyday."

"I find the idea of cheating abhorrent to my personal definition of who I am as a man. I will never cheat on you as a matter of personal principle and self-respect, regardless of how we're doing in our relationship. And I make that promise easily, knowing that I can count on you for the same in return."

In a more general sense, too many engaged couples leave too many important things unsaid. They're hoping the ther just assumes the same things as them. The values and principles by which you will pilot your marriage is an important thing to talk about openly before the wedding.

 

Are you for real??? If you were my man and said those things to me, I'd roll my eyes and know without a doubt that you were blowing smoke right up my a**!!! Gimme a break!!

Now, this, THIS, I will give you!!! Except you don't have to be engaged to make this mistake,,, However, just because you have spoken from the heart, don't expect them to hear what you are trying to say. Too often when people don't hear what hey want to hear, they get hurt and defensive and it turns into a big argument. Of these things I know,,,

 

A traveller approaches the gates of a city and asks of the old man standing there "Is this place peopled by decent men?"

"Why do you ask?" replies the old man.

"Because the city I just left has all of the most detestable sort - liars and cheaters to the last one.", says the traveller

"I'm afraid you'll find the same here, my friend" says the old man, "This place is not for you. Good luck in your search."

And the traveller moves on. A little while later another traveller arrives and asks the old man the same question, to which the old man replies the same "What did you leave to come here?"

"It broke my heart to leave such good and just men behind, but I seek new opportunities and hope to make new friends of such quality" says the traveller.

And the old man replies, "Then you will find that here. Welcome."

 

If you think its bad now... wait until marriage... It will not get any better.

Its one thing to yearn for and be missing you. But if there is no trust how is it possible to have a healthy relationship in the future?

The best thing you can do is reassure her. If that is not a enough you might honestly want to rethink your plans.

 

Does she live anywhere near your home base? Or any Military base for that matter? If she does, you or she could look into the family support network. She may be able to meet other young women who are in the same predicament that she is.

My base has a great family support program for deployed members. We can't go out the door for four weeks or more (even to a school tour) without having to process through family support. Look into it for her and find out what may be available to her. You may also want to talk to the chaplain for advice - they see this kind of thing every day.

Look online for support groups in her area. There is bound to be something available to her

In my over 20 years in the military, I've seen this many, many times. Girl back home is afraid you are cheating, gives you grief, you get mad, stop calling as much, she gets mad and so on. Deployments are a recipe for breakup....or for making a relationship stronger. It takes patience and support from both sides. It sounds like she is young and this is probably her first long-distance relationship. Your actions are crucial to her deciding to wait for you faithfully or to say screw you and start hanging out with someone a little close to home.

Good luck.

 

I can't add anything to what has already been said. I know if it was me I would be dumping her & find someone that doesn't have that kind of baggage. She needs to do some counseling. You don't need to deal with that crap being deployed. Thanks for serving. Best wishes.

 

> Sometimes people just need to hear things straight out and unvarnished

I agree 100%

It does not cost anything to tell someone what they want to hear, if you already feel it. Especially if you are the stronger 1/2.

> Help with "fiancee"

If I were you, before I took any advice on dumping my "fiancee", which means to me you love her already, I think I would look in her eyes after kissing her and decide then. I am sure once things return to normal when you are stateside these minor things will not seem so big.

I would not ditch someone who appears to love you a lot, if you love her in the least. Good caring women who value fidelity are hard to find.

 

Speaking from experience,I have to tell you this. My sweetheart and I live over 400 miles from one another. We see each other as often as we can, we speak on the phone daily, I have sent him NUMEROUS cards from time to time, just to let him know HE is what matters to me and is most important in my life. I tell him how much I miss him, I show him how devoted I am to him, I give him NO reason to doubt my fidelity in any way. He in return tells me how much he loves me, lets me know there is no one else in the world he would rather be with, showers me with affection, and he gives me NO reason to doubt his fidelity in any way.

But he also has his own life where he lives and I have mine. He takes care of things on his end and I dont doubt for one minute, and I never have, that he is faithful to me. I take care of my daily happenings and let him know what is happening when things get too crazy. And I know he can feel my faithfulness in his heart.

We also speak openly with one another about any concerns we have. In the beginning I told him "I DO NOT FIGHT, I WILL NOT ARGUE" If things cannot be handle rationally at the time, we will set it aside until it can be done.

We have been seeing one another nearly a year now and 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' is definitely at play here. We have grown closer to one another than I have ever felt with anyone else in my life, we have been forced to talk to get to know one another, and we have had to take the time to set aside 'our' time to make sure that we keep the flame burning.

The following are things that we do to keep our relationship alive:

MAKE SURE TO COMMUNICATE IN SOME WAY EVERY DAY, more than once if possible. Since you won't be seeing each other, it's important to establish and maintain an emotional connection. These don't have to be long, in-depth conversations, but be sure to throw a few of them in on occassion. Tell each other about your little triumphs and tragedies. Ask for advice. Use an instant messenger program, or web cams for that visual connection, but remember that they can in no way replace actual conversation. E-mail is great so make sure you use it, especially if long-distance phone calls put a strain on your budget. Write love letters. Send small gifts or flowers for no reason. In this case, quantity is as important as quality. You may discover an advantage over others whose partner is close at hand and you won't take communication for granted!

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE BENEFITS OF A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP, like more time with friends and/or family, the pleasure of seeing your sweetheart again after a long absence, time to mull your options (rather than snapping at each other) before you respond to that email that seemed so rude the first time you read it. Most important, being far apart gives you a chance to maintain your individuality - something that can get lost in the shuffle when couples spend all their free time together.

PURSUE COMMON INTERESTS, even if it means pursuing them apart. Stargaze while on you're on the phone. Watch the moon from your respective locations occassionally at the same time. Read a book together, one chapter each day and discuss it before moving on to the next one. Watch a movie seperately and the discuss it. Write a note, your thoughts for the day, and then read them to one another at the end of the day.

AVOID THE TEPMTATION TO BE CONTROLLING. People have free will and no one can or should control another person. As long as you are both interested in being in the relationship, you will stick with it and distance will not make a difference. As soon as one of you decides the other is not a good match - or someone else is a better match - your relationship ends, whether you live 3000 miles apart, two streets over, or share the same bed with your wedding picture on the wall. You have to trust each other completely if this relationship is going to work.

TALK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE TOGETHER. Assuming that ultimately you'd want to live together, discussing how you're going to get to that point will help you prove to each other that the relationship is going somewhere and that your efforts and frustrations are not in vain.

AND, WE NEVER SAY GOODBYE. We always come up with clever ways to close our conversations, he usually does better with this than I do. We do speak to each other first thing every morning when waking, lastly every night at bedtime, and off and on all day through texting, emails, messaging, and occassionally a quick phone call.

Is there a way for you to let her read this topic? Even if it is only in bits and pieces. Copy/paste what you want her to read in an email. Have you expressed to her all your feelings that you have written here? MAYBE she needs to hear them from YOUR side.

But I dont agree with telling her each day that you are not cheating....to us women this is a HUGE RED FLAG!!! I for one, am with Snow Bunny in feeling that suspicion would run rampant after a few times of hearing that one.

GOOD LUCK and I WISH YOU THE BEST OF HAPPINESS

 

shes not bi polar or depressed or anything like that is she?


definately some strange questions she asks you.....its bad enough that your away from the things/people youd rather be with......and ya have to deal with this stuff (thanks by the way for what you do)

sounds like a bunch of internal issues she has...and if its true that youve never given her ANY reason what so ever that youve never cheated on her,id be surprised that you can change her (even though thats not your job to do), and whats counseling going to do for her in regards of her having issues with you about being faithful,when youve never given her a reason for that???


maybe shes getting bad advise from her friends while your gone??

 

Those women in the virkas can be real sexy.im sure that doesnt help,tell her you love her and hope to see her soon.