There is a guy at the CIA training center. His trainer hands him a gun and says "your wife is in the next room. I want you to kill her."
After a pause, he hands the trainer the gun and says he can't do it.

The next guy is handed the gun. Again the trainer says "your wife is in the next room. you are to kill her."
The trainee goes to the door, starts to open it, backs out, hands the gun back and leaves.

The third guy is also handed the gun and told "your wife is in the next room. Finish her off."
He immediately busts the door open. The trainer hears 6 shots, then some scuffling and fighting. After a bit it becomes silent and the trainee walks back out.
"what happened in there?" asked the supervisor
"gun was loaded with blanks, so I had to choke her to death."

 

Good one. Poor guy has to go to jail now.

 

Too funny! Here's another:

Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit
beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to
just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month
I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to
have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom
and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted
to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew
exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front
door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a
good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he
congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I
thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or
should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason
I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

 

Haha hilarious guys

 

Those are both good jokes fellas. Anyone else got one?

 

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking
encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking
that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and
other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that,
at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid
anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they
were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest
totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits
issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him
that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged"
him for sex, & these holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3
million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but
finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you
were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut

 

Now I like that one.

 

Down at the local pub one night.......

 

Haha way to funny man!

 

On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied thedog under the shade of a tree
and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree.
The redneck said that it was his.
The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."
The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree."
The policeman says, "No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.
"No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog!"

 

I like that one.That's funny man.

 

That is a good one.

 

Haha great one man!

 

Here is one I posted for the "flat landers"

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was just too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozie to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen, "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
"You know where the button is!" I protested through the shower, "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" she pleaded, "What if it starts going and sucks me in? Come on, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leaped at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my lower masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known?

 

I could see that coming about half way through. Not something I would want to explain to my boss.