OK that is a good one.

 

The Polite way to Pee

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During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach
good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice
young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to
the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and
impolite."

"What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the
bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table."

"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and
show us your good manners?"

Johnny said "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused
for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend
of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...

 

Tiger Woods isn't/doesn't drive a Ford, he is sponsored by Buick.... Mike Weir Drives a Ford King Ranch...

 

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's ********* from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

 

Your Driver's Licence Tells It All.....too cute!!

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother
replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are
really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a
divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her
friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers
licence. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old
you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got
a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

 

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Games for Senior Citizens...

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 Questions. . . shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

 

Take Thee To A Nunnery...

Sitting behind some nuns (whose habits partially blocked their view) at a hockey game, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, 'I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there.'

The second guy spoke up and said, 'I want to go to Montana , there are only 50 nuns living there.'

The third guy said, 'I want to go to Idaho , there are only 25 nuns living there.'

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said, 'Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any nuns there!'

 

25 Things You Know If You Have A Son...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up in the air a few times, before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old boy.

11. Playdoh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a five-minute response time .

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

 

SOMETIMES :



Sometimes...

when you cry...

no one sees your tears.



Sometimes...

when you are in pain...

no one sees your hurt.



Sometimes...

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress.



Sometimes...

when you are happy..

no one sees your smile.



-

-

-

-

-



-

-

ButFART!!just ONE time...



And everybody knows!!



Gotcha!!You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

 

10 Best Tools of All Time Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; its never been there when you need it. Besides there are only 10 things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time....

1.Duct Tape-not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more - in an easy to carry package. Sure, there's prejudice surrounding duct tape in concours competitions, but in the real world, everything from LeMans-winning Porsches to Atlas rockets use it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.

2.Vice Grips-Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and wiggle-it-til-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of your tool box, vice grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

3.Spray Lubricants-A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternator, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm, repeated soakings will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous Little Red Tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross eyed (one of the 10 _worst_ tools of all time).

4.Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids -If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the pertal valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some of course chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.

5.Big Rock at the Side of the Road-Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop noisy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "Made in Malaysia" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.

6.Plastic Zip Ties-After 20 years of lashing down stray hose and wiring with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked-up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur- quality wiring from a working model of the Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course it works both ways. When buying a used car, subtract $100 for each zip tie under the hood.

7.Ridiculously Large Craftsman Screwdriver- Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting or mutilating than a huge flatbladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for all filters so insanely located that they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver--and you will just like Dad and your shop teacher said--who cares, it has a lifetime guarantee.

8.Baling Wire -Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, baling wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concours contenders, since it works so well you'll never need to replace it with the right thing again. Baling wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with the MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.

9.Bonking Stick -This monstrous tuning fork with devilish pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod separator, but how often do you separate tie-rod ends? Once every decade if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all-purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be use to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).

10.A Quarter and a Phone Booth - See tip #1 above.

 

You might be a Redneck Family
Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 for rarely true,2 for sometimes true, and 3 for always true.Scoring: 30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood! 20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up! 10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path? 0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?

 

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Canadian Rockies,were an American guy, a Canadian guy, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel,the American has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old Greek lady thinks: The American guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde girl thinks: That American guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The American thinks: The Canadian guy must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Canadian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the American again.

ps no offence to our american friends

 

25 Signs Showing You Might Be Canadian



1. You're not offended by the term 'HOMO MILK'.

2. You understand the phrase 'Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield.'

3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

4. You drink Pop, not Soda.

5. You know that a Mickey and 24's mean, 'party at the camp, eh!!!'

6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars.

7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

12. You brag to Americans that; Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & Mike Myers are Canadians.

13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

14. You know what a toque is.

15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced 'Zed'.

17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.

19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.

20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

21. You know how to pronounce and spell 'Saskatchewan'.

22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.

23. You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

24. 'Eh?' is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, 'Huh?'

25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!
(Then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them!)








O h yes and if you are wondering where the expression 'eh' originates, it's simple
spell Canada :
C eh N eh D eh
see no secret to it EH

 

We like that Shania, Carrey & Myers are Canadian.... BUT We deny any knowledge of Celine Dion being anything but French... And they Surrendered.

And Alex Trebec is better than all of them

 

Good Story…

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'