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Old Feb 12, 2008 | 07:40 PM
  #46  
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and asks the bartender for a drink. his monkey starts running around everywhere eating everything in sight..

First he grabs a bowl of nuts and dumps the whole thing down his throat.
Then he jumps on someones table and goes to town on someones salad
after that he jumps onto the pool table and swallows the cue ball whole.

The bartender is astounded by this.

He asks the man: whats the deal with your monkey, hes eating everything.
I just watched him swallow my cue ball..

the man says:
yea he will eat anything
he don't care
i will pay for the cue ball of course.

A week later the same man walked into the same bar with his pet monkey
the monkey being as it is goes to town and starts jumping around looking for food.
he finds an empty drink with a cherry in it and grabbed it.

after he grabs the cherry he shoves it up his ****, pull it out and eats it

The bartender is disguested by this. he says to the guy oh my god.. your monkeys still at it... but i cant beleive he just ate a cherry he put in his ****.

The man says:
yea he will eat anything
he don't care
but ever since the cue ball he measures everything first.
 
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Old Feb 12, 2008 | 07:41 PM
  #47  
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a gymnest team of 18 came to this little inn and got the last room.
later on another young man comes in and asks the man if he has any more rooms. The innkeeper says no i don't i just gave out my last room out. You don't look like the nicest person... i don't trust you with those women. But you can sleep on the couch.

later on another man walks in and goes through the same thing.

this guy looked shady to the innkeeper, so he tells this man that he can sleep on the lazy boy chair.

later on a nice man in a suite comes in.... the innkeeper instantly likes this man and thinks he can trust him with the team of women and takes him up there.

The morning comes:

the man on the chair and the couch wake up in the morning and say to one another:

man how did you sleep, i feel like a chair.

the other says yea i know how ya feel i feel like a damn couch.

some time later the third guy comes down the stairs with a smile on his face. and they both ask him at the same time how do you feel, how was your night.

The man replies.
I feel like a golf ball

The other two look at eachother and look back with a dumbfounded look

The third man replies: how would you feel if you went through 18 holes in one night?
 
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Old Feb 12, 2008 | 08:06 PM
  #48  
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We were dressed and ready to go out for the Valentines Party. We

turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our

pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived

and we opened the front door to leave the house.



The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't

want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.



My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The

cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife

doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the

night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'



A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,

as we drove away. 'That stupid b!tch was hiding under the bed. I had to

poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take

off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket

to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ****

downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'



The cab driver hit a parked car!!!
 
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Old Feb 12, 2008 | 08:07 PM
  #49  
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A night out

We were dressed and ready to go out for the Valentines Party. We

turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our

pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived

and we opened the front door to leave the house.



The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't

want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.



My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The

cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife

doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the

night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'



A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,

as we drove away. 'That stupid b!tch was hiding under the bed. I had to

poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take

off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket

to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ****

downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'



The cab driver hit a parked car!!!
 
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Old Feb 13, 2008 | 09:51 AM
  #50  
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It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:


Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,

"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.

Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.

It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
 
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Old Feb 13, 2008 | 07:39 PM
  #51  
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A Russian and a Newfoundland wrestler

A Russian and a Newfie wrestler were set

to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.


Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's
trainer came to him and said, 'Now, don't forget all
the research we've done on this Russian. He's never
lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.


Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!

If he does, you're finished'; the Newfie nodded in

acknowledgment.


As the match started, the Newfie and the Russian
circled each other several times, looking for an
opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,
grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded
pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the
crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands,
for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the
inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from
the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in
time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His
back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander
collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got
his wrestler alone, He asked, 'How did you ever get
out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give
up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment,
I opened my eyes and saw this pair of ********* right
in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my
last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and
bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

So the trainer exclaimed, 'That's what finished
him off!'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get
when you bite your own nuts!'
 
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Old Feb 14, 2008 | 04:31 AM
  #52  
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Forget it didn't work.
 
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Old Feb 14, 2008 | 08:15 AM
  #53  
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Originally Posted by Zip
Forget it didn't work.
you have to have ***** first, for it to work
 
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Old Feb 14, 2008 | 10:21 PM
  #54  
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Redneck Picture Show

Redneck Picture Show
 
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Old Feb 14, 2008 | 10:29 PM
  #55  
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I do like that one. Some of them are pretty funny.
 
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Old Feb 22, 2008 | 08:29 PM
  #56  
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The Missing ****


The priest in a small Irish village loved the **** and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church, but one Saturday night the cawkwas missing! The priest knew that **** fights happened in the village, so he started to question his parishioners in the church the next morning. During
Mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has! anybody got a ****?'

All the men stood up.

'No, no', he said, 'that wasn't what I meant! Has anybody seen a ****?'

All the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant! Has anybody seen a **** that doesn't belong to them?'

Half the women stood up.

'No, no', he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my ****?'

All the nuns, three alter boys, two priests, and a goat stood up.
 
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Old Feb 22, 2008 | 09:08 PM
  #57  
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From: yukon
Wally's Wedding Night...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> At 85 years of age, Wally married LouAnne, a lovely 25 year old.
> >> Since her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that after their wedding
> >> she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
> >> that
> >> her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire
> >> night together.
> >> After the wedding festivities LouAnne prepares herself for bed and the
> >> expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens
> >> and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite
> >> as
> >> one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to
> >> go
> >> to sleep.
> >> After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
> >> it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action'.
> >> Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents for more coupling. When the
> >> newlyweds
> >> are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
> >> She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it -- Wally is back
> >> again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for
> >> more
> >> 'action'. And, once again they enjoy each other.
> >> But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am
> >> thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
> >> often!
> >>
> >> You are truly a great lover, Wally.'
> >> Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says:
> >> 'You mean I was here already?'
> >>
> >> The moral of the story:
> >> Senior moments may have their advantages!
 
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Old Feb 22, 2008 | 09:12 PM
  #58  
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RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER 'T'.
EXAMPLES

TUESDAY
THURSDAY

TODAY
TOMORROW
THANKSGIVING
THATURDAY
THUNDAY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~

A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS :
5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...AS A MAN SEES IT.....
YOU'RE SITTI NG AT THE TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES......
YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY........
AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
NUDITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? ABOUT 45 LBS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
ABOUT 45 MINUTES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO?
A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT........ ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE?
A NORTHERN FAIRYTALEBEGINS 'ONCE UPON A TIME.....'
AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALEBEGINS...........
'Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS ****.'.



 
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Old Feb 22, 2008 | 09:23 PM
  #59  
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05 Super, oh man I had to share that last one... that is very funny.
 
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Old Feb 22, 2008 | 09:40 PM
  #60  
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From: yukon

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her 'Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you.'






When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 'This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?'

'You have to spell a word,' Saint Peter told her.

'Which word?' the woman asked.

'Love.'

The woman correctly spelled 'Love' and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.








While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. 'I'm surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?'

'Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,' her husband told her. 'I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?'

'You have to spell a word,' the woman told him.

'Which word?' her husband asked.

' Czechoslovakia .'





 
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