A few days ago i was having some work done at my local garage. A lady came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other, wondering what she was refering to. Another customer asked her, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, that little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost mine and need a new one."
She replied that she didn't know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what it looked like. She drew a cirle and in the middle wrote "710". He then took her over to another car which had ist hood up and asked, "is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "ofcourse, its right there!"

Click here for a pic of a 710

 

You know what?I think that's a true story!

 

Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.

Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $50,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.

Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

Rule #6. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

 

Walking Eagle
Premier Gordon Campbell of B.C. Was invited to address a
major gathering of the Indian Nation last weekend in Kitimat,
B.C..........He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for
increasing every First Nation's present standard of living. He
referred to his career as Mayor of Vancouver, how he had signed "YES" -
for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribe presented the Premier with a
plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking
Eagle.


The proud Campbell then departed in his motorcade, waving to
the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how
they come to select the new name given to Campbell
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a
bird so full of sh** it can no longer fly.

 

So true!Haha There's alot more Walking Eagles out there,too many!

 

My Son asks about Condoms
My son and I walk into a drug store. we walk by the condom display,
and the my son asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which I matter-of-factly reply,
"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replied my son pensively. "I've
heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and
picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

I reply, "Those are for high school
boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for
Sunday."

"Cool" says my son. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then, who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," I answer.
"TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed my Son, "Then, who uses
THESE?" he asks, Picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, I
replied, "Those are for...married men. One for January, one for February,
one for March..."

 

How to deal with Arseholes!
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
to make I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying
"Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with
Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and
called her.

I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After
hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When
the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an arsehole!" and
hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, and put it
in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or
had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my theeparutic 'arsehole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,
this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if
you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and
slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's
because you're an arsehole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot. The idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his
number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole
( I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the
BMW arsehole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for
sale?" "Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow
house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Jim Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Jim?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Jim, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Jim, you're an arsehole."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two arsehole to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it
used to be. So, I came up with an idea.

I called arsehole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he
asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Jim Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"arsehole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my
black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Jim. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole."
Then I called arsehole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, arsehole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ***," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 1802 West 34th Street, and that
I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West
34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I
feel much better. Anger management really works

 

Ok here is my contribution but who cares.

One night, after a long hard day at work a politician went home. It was fairly late, around 10:00 p.m. All of the sudden, a masked man jumped out of the bushes and demanded all the politician's money.
"You can't do that!!" The politician cried. "I'm a politician!"
"Oh," said the masked man, "in that case give me all MY money!!"

 

Hey Zip that's pretty good.At least you had a joke to tell.I can never remember the jokes I hear.

 

Copy/paste, copy/paste. That's what gets her done.

 

Well that shed's a whole new light on it now.

 

Im no good with jokes either, you guys got some good ones going

 

Viagra
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's
sex drive. "What about trying Viagra" asks the doctor? "Not a chance," says
Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an asprin for a headache." "No problen,
replies the doctor. Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and
then call me in a week to let me know how things went."
A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor, and he inquires as to how things
went. "Oh, and bejayses and begorrah, it was terrible, just terrible,
doctor."
"What happened?' asks the doctor.
"Well. I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was
immediate. He junped straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his pants
bulging fiercely!!! He swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping
my clothes off and them preceded to make wild, mad, passionate love to me on
the tabletop for hours!! It was terrible!"
"What was terrible?" asked the doctor. Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be
able to show my face in that restaurant again!!!

 

Good good one.

 

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabama man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
" 2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
( you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Arkansas , Texas , Louisiana , Georgia , Mississippi, Missouri , Florida , West Virginia and Princeton BC