I know you all are right. But I don't even have cab fair from the airport to the hospital to get the injection I need. What little money I had I gave It all to her and my daughter who is taking care of my boys. It was all I had to give. It's not fair to let someone else take care of yer family and not try to pay what ya can to help out. So here I sit in a boat in the front yard that is very close to being operational. But that takes money and a extra set of hands. Both of whitch I do not have. She wont come home or get the boys and bring them around as long as I am hear. So somehow I got to get the boat in the water even if it don't run and go out into a cove on one of the hundreds of Island around here and just what for the end. My Pastor an Mentor will be here today after travailing 2k miles. I know there is no hiding from him, And I really don't what to. He pulled me up by the boot straps and got me off the drugs that drove her away 20 years ago. I was younger than and once I got back to work and sobered up she came home. But I just don't see that happening this time. I've gone to far with my verbal abuse and not being able to provide for them. SSDI is close to kicking in. But close for them is still a year or more away. I just feel that if I could have supported the family and been able to make love to her that I wouldn't have been so angry with myself and not have taking it out on them and anyone else that came around. I have a habit of pushing people away when I'm sick like this because I don't really think they want to be around me.

 

Dick, this is the last bit of input i've got. if YOU give up on you, then she will also.
when i researched Nans type of cancer, i at first gave up.(i never let her know that of course). She never gave up on her and it brought me around to believing that she could pull it off.
if you don't give up on YOU then maybe those you care about won't either. this ball is in your court. you can shoot and score or throw up an air ball at the buzzer. i for 1(of many here) want you to do well. we've rep'ed each other for good posts. i know there is good in and you. YOU know there is good in you. don't throw away the good that is there because of a huge turd pile in your path. it'll wash off. it will stink for a long time, but it will go away.
if you want a call, pm your #. God knows plenty of people here sent me theirs when i was in the middle of my turd pile.
you are in my thoughts and prayers. as i said earlier... find a way to take that deep breath. be strong friend.

 

Thanks again Carl. I tried reping ya again but the system won't let me. I just took my morning meds and I don't feel to good. I was talking to you all and may have lost count and took two of something that was only to be one. I'm feeling really sleepy and light headed and fuzzy. Gonna go lay down. Thanks Carl

 

http://suicidehotlines.com/alaska.html - Please call someone who can help.

 

Thanks Ken. It means a lot to see ya here. Troopers have already been here and left. I simply told them that as long as one is talking about it than I prolly has no merit. It's when they quit talking that things are gonna get bad.

 

Richard, I felt I had to speak up here. I've been following this thread and it's hard to see you in pain. Fear is your biggest enemy. It's much smaller and weaker when you recognize it and face it head on. My turd pile was smaller than most in retrospect but looked huge when I started. Don't be afraid to go over, around or through your pile. You have friends here. Don't be afraid to accept our help. You'll feel good when you've conquered it.-DG

 

That's just not true, Tricky.... In 1986 I had a boyfriend ~Sam~ of four years who was so badly in debt he started talking about being worth more dead than alive. He talked about it every day... He plotted and planned on how he could make things look "accidental" so his life insurance would pay off, thus clearing him of his debts. We talked about it for months... It almost became a 'running' joke, but this is no joking matter. My phone rang at 10:30pm, February 10, 1986 ~ it was a Monday. I answered the phone, "He did it, didn't he?" He had... My life was devistated... I was so mad at him for leaving me! Then I was mad at myself for not having the ability to save him... Something that still hangs on in the shadows... It took years before I was able to find a reason to get up in the morning, but I eventually did. I was even able to find love again... Something I thought was lost and gone forever... I will always have a special place in my heart for him, but now I have a full, rich life and am very gratefull for it all.

The fact that you have expressed the same thought, is enough to let us all know that your are considering this... I can't possibly explain what this does to those left behind.. Yes, I can ~ It puts them in the very shoes you are wearing right now. I understand Sam's anguish and his sense of failure because it is now mine. I feel it every time I think of him. I feel it every time I see someone talking about being better off dead. I feel it every time I see someone not appreciating what life has given them... It never goes away...

PS ~ His life insurance never paid a dime... What a waste...

 

Richard

I have no idea who you are....but I care alot about what happens to you..

Please know that even folks like me, who dont know you, who have never traded jokes with you on a posting, or PM'd you, will be touched by your actions.. There are likely MANY people who have read your posts and wish they could do something to help you.. ALOT of folks who have read and not said anything..

I know I have kept to myself, not wanting to interfere.. After all, who the hell am I to offer advice to a complete stranger... ? Well I cant stay quiet anymore.

I cant offer much, but I can try and remind you that you have touched alot of people, and you will leave alot of people feeling hurt and helpless if you go.. Even a stranger like Me is effected by your experiances and sense of loss. Please just take one minute, one hour and one day at a time.. please find a way to hold onto just enough hope that you allow tomorrow to come.. Do that every day, a bit at a time.. Dont worry about next week.. just this hour..

Sometimes, when your sense of hope seems completely gone, all you have is the belief that hope might return.. if thats the case, hold onto the IDEA that hope can come back to your life..

I want you to be here tomorrow Richard, and the day after that.. Many people whose voices you have never heard, wish it too.. Please stick around, even if its only to read the posts from people who care about you.. stranger or not.

 

Richard, are you seeing a pattern here? You are important to a lot of people, just look at the responses you are getting. I bet you did not think that all these users would pop out of the wood work did you huh?

You know why? its cause they care.. right now you may not physically be able to do a lot of things, yea that sucks but mentality you are still fully capable of a lot of things .
Have you ever thought about using your computer to help you make money?
maybe you ought to research that a bit.With a little bit of studying and training , you earn some bucks that way. you still have a good head on your shoulders, but your depression right now is really clouding up your thought processes.

Think about this idea.

And this is great advice, do it and do it now ....>>---->https://www.ford-trucks.com/forums/s...5&postcount=49

 

Dick

I do not know how to put things in perspective for you but what everyone is saying is true.

I have a good job, my health is fine, I thought life was going good. I came home to empty house, my wife of 21 years was gone, she moved from Ohio to Texas for some odd reason, I felt my world come to an end that day. Take care of yourself and do keep us informed, we do really care. FTE has a great bunch of people who have been through similar situations that really do understand.

Carl has been though a trying time in his life and is here to help.

 

Okay people - this is emmyndex posting, not oneminizut. I think it's great that everyone is so supportive, but if Arctic needs to get out of Alaska all our love and good thoughts isn't going to do a darned thing. As it is said, talk is cheap and what we need to do is pool resources and buy him a "ticket" out (not the lead bullet kind) - whatever that means when you are trying to get off an island in the middle of nowhere. We've offered him a place to stay for a short time and it seems as though there have been other offers too. But something needs to be done. John is an incredibly kind and sensitive man and he's really upset about what's happening. This afternoon he was ready to pack his bags and hitchhike up there to help because he feels like if Arctic does kill himself it will be John's fault for not being there - he's lost a lot in his life and doesn't want to lose another friend. So, 2 questions: 1) is everyone willing to pony up and help? 2) Arctic - are you ready to get the heck out of there?

 

Dick needs to be ready to get out of there before John or anyone else feels guilty.
if he's ready to get to Washinton state, i've no problem pitching in. i'm a poor ******* but i've been in Dick's mood.
get him to agree to get out of Alaska and pm me for my $$.
i know i'm not the only one that will help.
if he feels the boat is where he needs to be, then i'll call my friends up there to put a boot in his ***

 

Edit: Anyone. Don't send anymore money. This is John underneath the willfull Emmy who stopped me. He gets mail every two weeks. I cant truck through Canada. I could take a ferry from here once emmy gets done taching school maybe... or by myself. I'm not rich. Can anyone please help me? Please, I've been through this to many times and Arctic is a good man. You all know that. I have 4 weeks in this quarter but I'd give it all up to help someone not to do the same thing I've seen in the past. Just so you know, I talked to him today and he has not eaten in 4 days. Amongst other things I heard. I am willing to give this whole quarter away, but I need help.

 

Arctic, Did you get a hold of john yet?.....If not call him now!! I'm here for you man...you can call me any time.!!!!!! 702-275-6543!!!! Cant get a hold of John ...call me!!!!!!!!!

 

Couple of things:

Is it possible to get ahold of Artics Pastor that is going to be with him? And is There an FTE point man in Alaska or anywhere that can or is collecting donations? I'm not real well off either, but I'll help where I can.

Artic. Been kinda where you are bro. My physic health is pretty good, but my mental health could use some work. Couple years back when I was on active duty, I lost a troop that I cared a lot for. She had been through hell and we worked some tough stuff for her and it was a difficult time for all involved. After our sqaudron returned from a deployment, she was killed in an auto accident. I took it very hard. (I cared for my troops, especially the youngsters, like they were my own kids). There were times when I felt like I was seconds from complete mental breakdown but I knew I couldn't because I had others to take care of and responsibilities to them and my unit.

Jan 06 I went back on a deployment to the same place we had been before. That's when I took the preverbial turd. I ended up in the Mental Health Clinic due to some suicidal ideations I was making. Fancy words for self harm stuff. Medevac'd back to the states, and even when I got back, there was a time when I was felt like running away. I was at work, on base, in uniform, and almost just up and left. I was going to head to the mountains and just go away. Not to end my life or anything, but needed to get the heck away. Leave me the *&^% alone kind of stuff. My career ended because of all that and I still struggle with it. Woulda, shoulda, coulda stuff.

BUT, I am really trying to fight it off. It is indeed a struggle. It's a mother *&^%$# and I am sorry for the bad words but it's a bi&^% at times. BUT, I have a wife, and yessir, we don't have the best relationship, and we have a son. I will not leave them. I have a sister who just lost a daughter to a drunk driver. My sister needs me just as much as I need her. There are a whole lot of people who need you too bro. Your immediate family and your extended family, and by that I mean us. I am glad your Pastor is coming. That is wonderful! I've already prayed for you and will continue to do so.

Rich