The thread on a divorced dad going to jail spurred this more general observation on the subject.

I've known many divorced fathers over the years.

A very small number of them were simply selfish irresponsible boys unwilling or psychologically incapable of facing their responsibilities. Another even smaller number of them were real trash - wife beaters, child abusers, druggies. So ya, they exist. Those are the ones you hear about.

But much more of them, in fact most of them, made less scintillating stories. For the majority of divorced dads I've known, it typically went like this:

When they had kids, she had a much stronger drive to do the hands on care-giving, so they naturally settled into a pattern of her placing less emphasis on her career in order to be the primary caregiver, and him placing more emphasis on his job to ensure the family's economic well being. It made a good partnership, each contributing to the well being of the children.

Then she didn't like something about him, or several things. Nothing major - not drinking or infidelity or anything - but they developed "irreconcilable differences" that transformed into constant fighting, and she wanted a divorce.

Well, he quickly discovers that his contribution to the family is considered worthless in parenting terms, and that she is the new defacto parent. She gets the kids, which means she stays in the family home, which means he's out of his own home and moving away from his kids. 'Cause she doesn't like him anymore.

The day after he moves out, she'll come home to her home, spend the evening and dinner hour with the kids, review homework, and get them to bed. For her, the only real change is that he won't be around anymore.

He, on the other ahnd, will find a new place to live, come home to an empty apartment, have no idea what happened in his kids' lives today, have no input into their education, and have dinner with Peter Jennings. The disorientation is extreme. Added to that, he has to rebuild a life of a bachelor with 20% of his income skimmed off the top. But this is how it is, so he soldiers on.

Then visitation weekend comes. His hovel feels like a home again. He falls in love with being a father again. The meaning of his life is restored. Only to have it all ripped apart Sunday afternoon when they have to "go home". For the next two weeks, he'll be an outsider to their lives. Parenting is a real-time job, and he is prevented by law from doing it. He gets hs news two weeks old. Problems are old and resolved when he hears about them. The reality sinks in - he's been reduced to "uncle dad". The pain is deep and severe. And it happens all over again every two weeks, the wound re-opened, the knife re-twisted in his back. He's a walking wounded, especially the first few days after a visit. His health suffers, his job suffers, his social life suffers.

After a while she meets someone else. Some other guy is getting his childrens' news every evening, offering his views on life over dinner, while their father dines with Peter. And now he's really just a bother to her. She has everything she wants in life. She has absolutely zero motivation to make any effort to help him maintain a relationship with "her" kids. No, she can't organize a regular phone call time. He'll just have to call at random and hope it's not an inconvenient moment, but it's very often an inconvenient moment, and he should call less often or she'll get an order.....she has, after all, been gracious to the point of sainthood allowing to him call at all between visits.

In short - he must learn not to care too much for two weeks at a time - at least, little enough that he can accept knowing little or nothing about large swaths of his children's lives, and having a seriously reduced input into their lives. 'Cause if he does care about those things as much as a regular parent, he will either run afoul of the law trying to do something about it, or go insane. But human beings aren't built like that. We don't have an on/off switch for caring. So he is driven out.

Then some day the kids reproach him for not being more involved in their lives. They spread opinions about dead beat fathers. And if he has any capacity for pain left, it hurts.

 

Quite a novel there. You've laid out the main reason I've put up with my wife's mood swings for 20 years - I want to avoid that scenario.

 

fred_79f250,
I'm the guy with his Dad in jail that sparked your thread.

Good post, and damn good points! I've seen this with my own father and my younger half-siblings. Depression and separation really did him in when he wasn't able to see my little brother or sister as much as he'd like. I do believe that this lead to some of the heavier drinking and drug use that finally put him under totally.

Nonetheless, good post, it shows the other side of divorce and custody issues.

 

Some of that is true to life, But you forgot a big section on divorced dads like myself who have custody of the kids, who have been there every step of the way, who have sacrificed for the kids and stepped up to the plate. Fathers who try to give their kids a stable home when their mothers leave.

The problem with society is that we are led to beleive that only a mother can take care of children. A father is just for working, displine and money. Well I know first hand that fathers can cook, clean, work, and take care of children.

Granted there is nothing better than a 2 parent family, but when there is constant fighting and tension it is better to split..

I could go on and on , but I will end it here..

Just my 2 cents

 

THere is ABSOLUTELY no such thing as 'irreconcilible differences', unless of course one or the other turned gay. There is such as thing as being lazy in a relationship, however. There are no differences that cannot be fixed if both parties wish to fix it, otherwise, divorce is a get out of jail free card. Its a two way street, BOTH have to make it work, not one or the other.

 

Fred, you hit the nail on the head with that story. My eyes watered, slightly of course, (in-public macho thing going on) as I can relate to most of it. The only difference with me was when my current wife stepped into my life, we worked together for physical custody and I was able to spend the last few years of my son's adolesence with him before he moved out on his own into adulthood. I originally lost him when he was 3 so I did miss out on alot during the interem.

I came close to loosing myself during most of the conflict in those early years of MY story. Fortunately, I had what it took to pull myself out and make to where I am today.

To those that may be going through this right now, don't let go. Keep in touch with your children as much as you can, no matter how much it hurts to care. This will pass and things WILL get better if you perservere. If you give up, there is so much to loose. Hard to see now but there is light at the end of the tunnel. You'll see it when you make it to the other end.

 

I agree with some points in the original post,except about the time spent with the kids. I work 60-70 hours a week,and didn't want my kids to spend all that time in a day care,so I agreed to let the ex wife have custody of the kids as long as I got to see them ANYTIME I am off work. She agreed,and I see my kids any extra time I can make for them. Even if it isn't my weekend with them,I usually keep them one night of the weekend. As far as keeping the house,she moved out!! I do believe that a 2 parent family is the way things are supposed to be,and better for the kids,but she filed for divorce,had mental problems with men from when she was a kid(fine time to show it after 3 kids came along),didn't want to work the problems out,and I decided I had enough of the mental abuse,and didn't fight the divorce,it wouldn't have made a difference for the kids anyhow,just made them take sides. so in reality,she is the only one gone out of my life,and I gotta say it's a good riddance!! when the kids are at my house,it is their time,and they know it,there are no "honey-do lists" and we spend our time fishing,camping,going to the park,playing in my back yard,and playing board games.

 

WOW! Great summary of of couple's marriage, child rearing, working, then divorce . I can relate!

 

Simple answer to the problem, Don't have the kids in the first place. Or pay a hitman to knock off the ball and chain, cheap solution to what may become a VERY expensive problem(depending on the age of the kids).

 

Cut the child support money off and see how fast she calls YOU. THAT will get here attention. That or a lawyer.

It can go both ways if you're willing to fight, rather than cave in and do it her way.

All I can say is if I were in your situation, I'd put my game face on, strap on my pistols, and give her a gunfight. Go get what YOU want and to hell with her and the "lifestyle" she'd like.

Gunner15a