A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.



"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swingset.

__________________________________________________ ______________
Gravity-Defying Tequila
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 id=jokeIframeTable2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=268 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD></TD><TD> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3></TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD> A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an (bad-word)hole when you're drunk, Superman."

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

The second one was great ROFl

 

Ok, the first joke kinda seemed a bit dumb, but still amusing. the second one, I almost died laughing.

 

HAHAHA... I liked both of them...

 

I liked um both

 

The first one's the best.

 

I liked the Superman joke better but, thought both were pretty good.
Here's one, hope you all like it.
A married doctor was having an affair with his nurse and it was going for some time. One day, the nurse told him she was pregnant. He thought, "oh boy, what to do". Finally, he told her that she would go to Italy and have the baby there and that he would take care of all her expenses and, when she has the baby, she should send him a postcard with only the word "spaghetti" on it and he'll know the baby came. Six months later, he's at his office and his wife calls and says he received a post card with only the word "spaghetti" written on it. He tells her he'll see it when he gets home and explain everything. When he gets home later, he asks for the post card, reads it and has a heart attack on the spot.
Later, at the hospital, the attending doctor asks his wife what brought on the heart attack. She pulls out the post card and shows him. It says, "spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. two with sausage and meatballs, two without".

 

Excellent! Very nice Jimmysred150, so, you fully recovered from that attack yet?

 

ok heres one thats kindof gross

''mike'' walks into a bar and has a seat, sitting next to him ''fred'' who is looking at a bowl full of chili, after awhile ''mike'' askes are you just gonna sit there all night looking at that chili and ''fred'' says no do you want it? so ''mike'' says sure he grabs the bowl and begins eating the chili about halfway through the bowl he sees a giant dog turd he throws up the chili back into the bowl. ''fred'' looks over and says thats as far down as i got too

 

haha. mmmmmm now i'm hungry!

 

haha that one is pretty disgusting jim, I like it