I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave out your email address?

 

If you jog backwards, do you gain weight?

If your traveling the speed of light, do your headlights work?

If your traveling the speed of sound, does your radio work?

Since fire trucks are red, pool table felt green, why is a dog color blind?

 

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

 

Man, those are great, funny stuff, just what I needed to set the mood for the day! Thanks!

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!

 

technically you could....

 

Is there really anything drier that a popcorn fart?

 

Is the glass half empty or half full?

Who cares, regardless you have half of a glass!

 

An optimist says the glass is half full.
A pessimist says the glass is half empty.

An engineer says neither is correct. Just that the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

 

Regardless of how you look at it there is half a glass. I was asked this question in one of those "what kind of person are you " things once. I replied the same, regardless there is half a glass, if you want it to be less then keep drinking, if you would rather it be full then savor it cause there isn't anymore or get up and fill it up. I have no time to ponder on half full or half empty just the fact there is half a glass is enough for me to know it is half empty and half full.
Fight and argue over which is which but I will move ahead with the fact there is half a glass!

I kinda like the engineers take on it myself!

 

If that 1/2 glass of water were beer, it would be empty.

 

how come when you do a burn out the smoke is white off the tires but when you burn tires the smoke is solid black?

if gas burns better when its cold whats wrong with all my vehicals?

is it possible to babtise a cat?

how come cats land on there feet all the time (exept when the duct tape comes off with them on the hood)?

how come stainless steel silverware gets water spots and tarnished?

how come places open 24hrs a day have lockes on the doors?

how come poeple get mad when you tap there BUMPERS?they are made for bumping into stuff!

 

Where can I get a permit? And whats the limit?

 

Try Wallyworld. I hear they have most everything...

 

" Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" ... I could make a bull joke, but I'd get into trouble.

 

Nice list and follow ups.

Why do people keep pushing the button at a traffic signal to cross the street? Do they think the switch has a mind of it's own, "Oh, there's alot of people waiting, better change that signal!"?
Maybe we need a pet-peeve thread.