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Update on the van. After exhausting all other options, I "drove" the van to the dealer. It was about 2.5 miles from my house and it took 45 minutes. It was epic.
Anyway, dealer says the PCM is not actuating the throttle body motor. PCM is bad. New PCM + programming at my dealer is $950. I'm looking into ordering a reman PCM and installing it myself. Dealer will program for $160.
Interesting. A bad PCM could cause that, but that's quite rare.
Going the reman route makes sense, but I don't think it will need to be programmed as long as you get the right code. I'd find a junkyard part if it were me.
As far as I can tell, "programming" means assigning it a matching VIN and setting the known mileage. For this, they charge $160.
I don't have any information on this specific vehicle, but I'd double check that. Most models I'm aware of have the anti-theft and mileage stored in the instrument cluster.
Different generation, but I replaced the PCM in a '97 Lincoln Town Car and no programming was required. There were like 6 different codes for that model year, and they weren't interchangeable without reprogramming. I found one of the proper code about 40 miles away and it worked great.
Final update on the van. I went with a re-manufactured PCM from NAPA. It took the dealer three attempts to reprogram it. I couldn't get a clear answer on why exactly it took three tries. Anyway its been about a month since we got it back and everything seems fine now.
Thanks for all the feedback here.
Glad to hear you got it figured out! PCM failures aren't common, but they happen. Often people jump to replace the PCM and get frustrated when it doesn't fix their issue. Glad it worked for you.