in the old days,,, it was till death do we part ,,,2 bad the church got lost ,,,amen and peace to all

 

Young fella, here's 2¢ of free advice.

Life doesn't suck. Situations do.
Your life is what you make of it. Everyone has problems and issues.

Children are a blessing. They are the product of love, or two people that thought they were in love, when hormones overrides common sense.

Your children will always be your children.
You can't make someone love you. You can try, but, 99.999999999% of the time, it doesn't work.


Lastly, these aren't my words. They're the words of a very intelligent man, spoken to this gray-haired, old, fat guy, many years ago.
"If you worry about something, it's because you don't have control over it.
If you don't have control over something.... why worry about it?"

 

Be the best daddy that you can possibly be and just when you're not expecting it, someone who wants to to be in your life will make it known.

Don't chase her, it'll drive you nuts. Concentrate on you and your little ones.

 

There's a lot that's fully correct about these comments but there's also a high degree of truth in Farm Truck's short but terse comments too.

When any relationship between two people--in this case a marriage---becomes no better than second in the hierarchy of importance it suffers. Anyone who buries themselves in another endeavor regardless how noble it's supposed to be, no matter how bigger than oneself it is (or thought to be) we lose that which originally brought us together.

Speaking only for myself who has been single almost forever by choice I realized too many unhappy couples were the result of NOT focusing on one another. While dating we're all about trying to make the other one happy because it brings us joy to do so---that's completely unselfish in its own way but because its a huge reward to all involved its a very very good thing.

Kids come along and if allowed take over and push the relationship aside---this is where the parents could---but often don't---take the initiative to keep one another as their main focus on the important scale. Instead we have SOME women lose themselves in parenthood, often times acting as the father is superfluous to their raising the children. Whether this is a result of their laser focus on the kids or they're actually lost interest in the man it can and does lead to alienation and demise of the relationship that once was, that which brought them together in the first place.

Kids are important when we chose to bring them into the world---no disagreement from me. Its touted as being the most noble, self-satisfying glorious endeavor and I'm sure it is. Just as women don't want to be seen as one-dimensional arm candy I don't want to be left without the companionship, affection and interest in me to fall by the wayside just because we've decided to bring children into the world. If it does then we have to question how important were we in the past, were we just a means to an end?

All that being said marriage is tough enough these days when both ARE engaged and involved---when/if one loses that focus it becomes very difficult to keep the relationship alive. When/if it does come to parting ways of the couple the kids best interest replace exerting effort to keep the relationship alive---sad fact of life, more so today than at any other time in our history, at least the years I've been alive.

Bobcat I hope things smooth out for you---life has a way of unsucking itself if we simply hang in there. Easier said than done I know..........my best wishes to you, the wife and the kids.

 

Hey bobcat. Hope everything works out for you!! Been there done that!! My ex always wanted to use my past against me some times the best thing you can do is walk away with your head held high!! Keep us posted

 

Just a key piece to show who/what I'm replying to.

It may seem harsh but I consider the disintegration of the relationship after the addition of children to be the mans fault. Not cause the woman can't be a problem, not cause they aren't often irrational and crazy, but cause it does no good to blame them, women are overcome by emotion and instinct more then men. Once children come into the picture, we as men have to understand this and take responsibility for whatever issues come up, may be %100 her fault, it doesn't matter you're bound to each other and you are the man, the leader, there is a reason for this embrace it.

On a practical since, often children become her only primary concern the man becomes secondary. This is also something the man has to take responsibility for. Why, I know it may seem pointless to apply logic to a woman but it is logical, the children are her primary concern, just come to terms with it, you are secondary. The key is for her to understand that you are key to her goals, that her children are better off with you around and happy. The single biggest reason why a mother would shun the father of her children is if he is a bad father. Many women will stay in otherwise horrible relationships if she thinks him being around is good for the children.

Simple logic, and the more you come to terms with it, the better things will be. And no, don't point this logic out to her in a fight, it also will do no good. You have to pick your timing, you can only approach a woman with logic and be successful at certain times.

When you get on a plane the safety presentation will tell you to put the mask on yourself first, then on your children. There is a reason they always say this, cause mothers don't. Put a family on a plane where the masks drop and many mothers will instinctively put the mask on her children first, then if she can herself. This is cause her children are more important then her survival, this is more true if the father is present. A father will often put his own mask on, then his children's. He'll do this cause in his mind his survival is what's best for his family. The man is right, this is why the airlines say this, but it often doesn't matter to a mother, instinct and emotion takes over. I use this as an example of the difference in thought, action, and emotion between the sexes that every father needs to understand.

 

Your points are well taken and I respect your POV BruteFord, its quite sound on the surface or in theory.

Of course just like all of life most often its easier to discuss it than live it and deal with the day-to-day realities.

Thanks for the thoughtful comments BruteFord. I wonder how the OP is doing these days?

 

try havig two babies then losing them to sickness you are truly blessed to have your children. life only sucks if you let it celebrate adversity otherwise life would be boring.

 

it is said that man is the head of the house,that puts a lot of responsabilty on him he has to be the strong one the one to say i 'm sorry,the one who may not get the little extra piece of chicken at dinner,the one who sacrifices his own comfort to make sure his wife and children get what they need up to and including sell your truck to pay the bills been there done that. treat your wife like a queen and she will worship the ground you walk on. treat her like a slave and she will rebel. happy wife happy life. she is suppose to be your freind and partner first and wife second.don't have her choose between you or the kids or it will be goodbye to you.

 

Nonsense. Divorces where men are actually harming their children are extremely rare. Usually it is the women who file for divorce citing "irreconcilable differences" meaning there is no evidence the father has been unfaithful or abusive.

In the odd case where men file for divorce they are much more likely to state actual grounds for the divorce such as infidelity or neglect.

Feel free to draw your own conclusions but i.m.o what this shows is that most divorces are initiated by women for no other reason than they are unhappy with their marriage and choosing to separate from their husbands regardless of the harm this does their children.