Last night my neighbor came home drunk as a skunk and banged on his door for over five minutes! Problem is, he lives alone, so I went outside and told him he wasn't there. The damn fool left!

 

Today I met the most unhappy, rudest cashier ever!
Surly, malicious and just downright mean!
Danged if I'll ever use self-checkout again!!!!!

 

I stepped into an elevator today and a hot, large breasted beauty stepped in with me. As I was staring at her because I couldn't help it she said, "Could you please press one?" So I did. I really don't remember much after that!

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe the new National Highway Safety Council motto should be: "Beer costs less than gas. Drink don't drive!"

 

 

Why do most of the girls say, "Golf is Boring?"
"they never found that magic Frog."

 

 

Steve's home watching a football game when his Foxy hot Wife Shirley interrupts,
"Steve, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
Steve looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now?
Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Steve," Shirley stamps her smoking hot foot, "will you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which Steve replies,
"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Steve, could you at least fix the steps to the front door? It's about to break loose of the house."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead?
I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
Well Smoke hot Babe Shirley frowns and thinks.
So Steve goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated Shirly and
decides to go home and try to do better at helping.
So, Steve walks up to his home he sees the steps are already fixed.
Steve enters his home, he sees the hall light is working so he goes to get a beer,
and notices the fridge door is fixed. "Shirley, how'd this all get fixed?"
So, Shirley says, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what's wrong and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
So Steve asks, "what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Well, Shirley ever the hottie says, "Hellooooo"...then she straightens her short shorts an says,
"Do you see a Betty Crocker stamp here?"

 

Sam has been at the same job for 25 years and is sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
Sam builds a Cabin from pine he cuts and ******. Digs a Freezer in the Tundra.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise, it's peace and quiet. Six months of isolation, it's been a short summer and winters here,
So, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Bears Morgan ...i'm your neighbor some forty miles away....
Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come next Weekend? About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Bears Morgan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years at the same job, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Bears Morgan says, "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Bears Morgan says, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months!
I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Bears Morgan responds, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".

NOTHING BEATS A GOOD HUG!