The Safe for GNAC Joke Thread!!!
#4426
11-02-2022, 05:54 PM
Fleet Owner
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#4427
11-02-2022, 05:56 PM
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#4428
11-02-2022, 09:24 PM
Fleet Owner
There is an ad posted on the office window of an accounting firm :
"HELP wanted. Must be able to type 70 words per minute.
Computer literacy is required. Must be bilingual. EQUAL EMPLOYER."
So this Big dog's Wagging its tail outside the office.
It has noticed the ad and shuffled into the office to apply for the position.
The employer takes one look at the dog, shakes his head and says, "I can't hire a dog."
The Very Large Dog points at the words EQUAL EMPLOYER on the ad.
So the employer says, "OK, can you type this document?"
and gives the dog a letter. The dog types everything correctly and
neatly without a mistake at a rate of 70 words per minute.
Flustered, the employer says, "Can you put these figures into spreadsheet and
make a program to feed it into the mainframe, process it in the General Ledger Module and
give me the Balance Sheets and Profit and Loss Statement?" and gives the dog some documents.
The dog completes the spreadsheet, the program,
the Balance Sheet and the P/L statement promptly & correctly.
The employer shakes his head,
points at the ad and says, "But are you bilingual?"
The dog says "Meow!"
"HELP wanted. Must be able to type 70 words per minute.
Computer literacy is required. Must be bilingual. EQUAL EMPLOYER."
So this Big dog's Wagging its tail outside the office.
It has noticed the ad and shuffled into the office to apply for the position.
The employer takes one look at the dog, shakes his head and says, "I can't hire a dog."
The Very Large Dog points at the words EQUAL EMPLOYER on the ad.
So the employer says, "OK, can you type this document?"
and gives the dog a letter. The dog types everything correctly and
neatly without a mistake at a rate of 70 words per minute.
Flustered, the employer says, "Can you put these figures into spreadsheet and
make a program to feed it into the mainframe, process it in the General Ledger Module and
give me the Balance Sheets and Profit and Loss Statement?" and gives the dog some documents.
The dog completes the spreadsheet, the program,
the Balance Sheet and the P/L statement promptly & correctly.
The employer shakes his head,
points at the ad and says, "But are you bilingual?"
The dog says "Meow!"
#4429
11-03-2022, 07:06 AM
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#4430
11-03-2022, 07:20 AM
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#4431
11-03-2022, 07:52 AM
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#4432
11-03-2022, 09:55 AM
Fleet Owner
The man places some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and
starts back toward his car when his attention
is caught by another man who is kneeling at a grave.
That man seems to be praying with profound intensity and keeps repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approaches him and says,
"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief but
this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
Lil Johnny, The mourner takes a moment to collect himself, then replies,
"My wife's first husband."
starts back toward his car when his attention
is caught by another man who is kneeling at a grave.
That man seems to be praying with profound intensity and keeps repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approaches him and says,
"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief but
this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
Lil Johnny, The mourner takes a moment to collect himself, then replies,
"My wife's first husband."
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#4433
11-03-2022, 09:59 AM
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#4434
11-03-2022, 05:00 PM
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#4435
11-03-2022, 06:02 PM
Fleet Owner
A philosophy professor stands before his class and has some items in front of him.
When the class begins, wordlessly he picks up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and
proceeds to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asks the students if the jar is full? They agree that it is.
So the professor then picks up a box of pebbles and pours them into the jar.
He shakes the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, roll into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asks the students again if the jar is full. They agree it is.
The professor picks up a box of sand and pours it into the jar.
Of course, the sand fills up everything else.
He then asks once more if the jar is full.
The students respond with laughter and a unanimous - yes.
The professor then produces two cans of beer from under the table and
proceeds to pour their entire contents into the jar -
effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laugh once again!
"Now," says the professor, as the laughter subsids,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health and
your children - Things that if everything else is lost and only they remain,
your life can still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter,
like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continues,
"there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work,
give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raises her hand and inquires what the beer represents.
The professor smiles. "I'm glad you ask.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of beers."
When the class begins, wordlessly he picks up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and
proceeds to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asks the students if the jar is full? They agree that it is.
So the professor then picks up a box of pebbles and pours them into the jar.
He shakes the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, roll into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asks the students again if the jar is full. They agree it is.
The professor picks up a box of sand and pours it into the jar.
Of course, the sand fills up everything else.
He then asks once more if the jar is full.
The students respond with laughter and a unanimous - yes.
The professor then produces two cans of beer from under the table and
proceeds to pour their entire contents into the jar -
effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laugh once again!
"Now," says the professor, as the laughter subsids,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health and
your children - Things that if everything else is lost and only they remain,
your life can still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter,
like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continues,
"there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work,
give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raises her hand and inquires what the beer represents.
The professor smiles. "I'm glad you ask.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of beers."
#4436
11-04-2022, 03:29 AM
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#4437
11-04-2022, 10:25 AM
Fleet Owner
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner
are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and
begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane,
bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle.
The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
After a few minutes though, the engines start revving,
and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness.
They start whispering among themselves and
look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and
closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than a couple hundred feet of runway left,
there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once.
At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot:
"You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream,
and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and
begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane,
bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle.
The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
After a few minutes though, the engines start revving,
and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness.
They start whispering among themselves and
look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and
closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than a couple hundred feet of runway left,
there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once.
At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot:
"You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream,
and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
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#4438
11-04-2022, 10:32 AM
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#4439
11-04-2022, 10:33 AM
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#4440
11-04-2022, 05:28 PM
