Hello everyone.

My name is Paul, and I am 16 years old. I live in Eastern North Carolina with my mother who's in a wheelchair and a spoiled rotten 11 year old sister. My father is a recovering alcoholic, and my life is close to unbearable.

Anyways, I'm the proud owner of a 1985 Ford F-150. I go to Richlands High School and make good grades. I don't have friends at school, or out of school for that matter. I'm not involved in any relationship, even though I have tried in the past.

The first ten years of my life are blurry in memory. I can hardly remember anything, except for the drunken episodes from my father, my best-friend getting run over, and other memories that no one should have.

I did date a girl at a time when I still still somewhat emotionally stable. We dated for 2 months short of a year. Best time of my life. However, one day she just stopped loving me. She because "sluttish" and that's the last I ever heard of her...


I don't know why i'm typing this.
I'm depressed, sad, almost to the point of crying.

I am not very emotionally stable right now. I haven't been for about 8 months now. Well, I really wasn't that stable before that, either.

I can hardly sleep at night.. I fall into states of depression constantly...

All i'm saying is that...


If I could just turn the key and drive away from this place.... maybe i'd be happy...


So, comment if you want, if you don't, it's okay.

Thanks for reading. (For those that read)

 

Paul, it breaks my heart to read this. I care about you, and I am certain that others do too. Have you spoken with your school counselor about this? I think you should.

You have a whole life ahead of you. Take the steps necessary to make the best of it. The first step was this post. Take another by making an appointment with your counselor first thing tomorrow morning.

Come back to this thread and let us know, please?

 

I second that. A school counselor is there to help people who are going through rough times. It might not hurt to give them a try.

Also, if you are a churchgoer, you might try talking to your priest/padre/minister/etc. as they are also in the business of helping people in dire straits.

 

Paul, It really took a lot of heart for you to be able to say what you did to a bunch of total strangers. I, like bpounds, care about you and I also found it very difficult to read your post. I agree 100% that you should speak to your school counselor and anyone else that will listen to you like everyone on here will. Don't let this depress you to the point of no return. You have a lot of life ahead of you so please, please make the best of it and open up to your friends on this forum. I'll be thinking about you and looking forward to lots of future posts from you. Be strong.

 

I have tried to talk to my school counselor. I've told them I've wanted to commit suicide. What did they do?

Tell my parents. That's it.


If you want me to be truly open...


I think about suicide every day. Every time I get in a car. Every time I drive down the road.

The thought always passes me that if I were to jump out, are we going fast enough to end it all?

How fast do I have to be driving to go and crash?

I wouldn't do that to my Ford, though...


Nightly crying, daily thoughts of suicide. I've tried to talk to people. I've tried to ask for help.

No one understands that if I could just have some friends that want to listen or hang out... just so i'm not alone all the time... I'd be so much better..


People always tell me "You've got your whole life ahead of you"

I respond with "What is there to live for?"

What do I have to live for? No one listens to them when I tell them all I want in life is a family...

A wife and a child that I can love every single day... I can tuck my child into bed and pull my wife close as I fall asleep...

I just want my own family...

Not many people understand it...

A big hit on me... one that.. literally ripped me into pieces... after dating a girl that I loved more than my own life for 10 months...

We had plans for marriage, children... where we wanted to live... It was perfect...

She ran away, trying to come to me... got in a car crash....

She didn't die. She didn't get hurt... But something in her mind... she stopped loving me... And she could tell me this with a straight face...


After 10 months of being... in a love so strong... how.. how is it possible?


That only added to the daily mental pain I have...

I just...

If I could have a friend to talk about it with... people to hang out with... talk about stuff...


What's my life worth towards anything...

 

I tried calling out for help... just like those suicide signs all say...

I wrote a poem for english... we had to read it to the entire class...



You think my life is a joke
You don’t really care
You’re supposed to be my parents
You’re supposed to be there

But your not!

And I hate you for it
I can’t believe you just quit
My childhood was ruined
And I can hardly stand it

I can’t remember any of the good times
Just the bad and the ****ed up
As I read you these lines
I feel like a suck up

Having an Alcoholic father
And a depressing mother
Who treats me like ****
I can’t stand my life anymore

It’s over. I quit.

Can’t you see why I cry?
Not you don’t
You don’t even check
To see if I'm still here

Maybe I’ve killed myself
But you wouldn’t care
All those jokes
About if id died

You’d get that $10,000 dollars
You probably wouldn’t have even cried
But it’s over mom
I don’t care

Once I’m 16
I’m out of your hair
Away from this place
Away from this hell

And once I’m gone
You wouldn’t even tell
You didn’t care before
Why would you now

Soon ill be out the door
And soon I’ll know how
Goodbye mom and dad
I hope you’re glad

You killed your son
And I’m telling you how
You called me a screw up
You called me trash

I’m done with this ****
I’m leaving my past
I’m going to a better life

And it begins with a knife. . .



What did the teachers do? The counselors? They didn't talk to me about it. They called my parents and I had a meeting with a social worker.

Lot of help that did.


No one cares anymore... well.. except for you guys...

 

Try again, would be my advice. Your counselor may not know that this is an ongoing problem. If you don't want them to tell your parents, tell the counselor that you want to speak in confidence. Give him/her another chance. I'll bet there is more than one counselor at your school too. Is there a particular teacher that you like?

Do you go to a church? Speaking to the clergy is an option, whether you go to a church regularly or not. I've never met a clergyman who would not drop everything to speak with a teenager.

What interests you Paul? Trucks obviously. You can always post here about trucks. Music? Something else?

 

Paul, if you wanna talk to someone your own age (I'm17) instead of all these old guys shoot me a PM or something. I don't have much experience with stuff like this but if you wanna talk feel free to hit me up.

 

You'll be old one day ( I'm only 60 ) and I can only hope that Paul too will be old one day. I'm here for you if you need an OLD person to talk to ha ha.

 

I like music... I play guitar... I was in my schools Musical this year... I'm going to be in marching band next year, as well as the choral department and the musical too...

For a while I did a lot of volunteering... I liked it... I did a lot of work at the Disabled Americans Veterans building in the kitchen... I made it all the way to grill man... I started as the guy that made the coffee...

I write a lot of poetry... However, a lot of it is depressing... I do have love poems, life poems, too...

I want to talk to all of you... if you think you can deal with a manic depressive, insomniac, teenager.


I'd like to have friends...

 

You ever thought about going to church?
Without turning this into a religious debate, there are a lot of good things going there.
My life was a total mess before like yours, but not to the point of considering suicide.
I 100% acknowledge that I wouldn't be here today in as good a state that I am in if it were not for the people that I met at church.

 

You guys will probably hate me after this... but...

I don't believe in God..

 

I've lost a lot of chances to make friends because they learned that fact...

 

You need to take this one step at a time .Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem .Do the best that you can to have just one thing each day to look forward to. No matter how small .Eventually there will be many things ..

 

It may be a good time to try...