humor....
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Elder User
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 507
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From: south shore massachusetts
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home and the
Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from many
Senior Homes to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he
Announced,
'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up
Here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each
And every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
Beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family five or six
Generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and
Forth while quietly chanting,
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch .'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
Forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds
Of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
Floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'S*#t,' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Old Folks Home .
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 164,379
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From: MA
Ultimate Quote of the day:
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her $perm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of $h1t.”
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her $perm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of $h1t.”
Thread Starter
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Elder User
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 507
Likes: 0
From: south shore massachusetts
Thread Starter
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Elder User
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 507
Likes: 0
From: south shore massachusetts
Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary
Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
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Elder User
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 507
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From: south shore massachusetts
Essential Desert Objects
Essential Desert Objects
A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.
The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.
The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.
Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.
The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.
The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.
The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.
Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.
The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
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Elder User
Joined: Apr 2008
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From: south shore massachusetts
Newspaper Clippings
Newspaper Clippings
Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog
Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.
Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.
Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog
Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.
Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.
Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
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From: Greenfield, MA
Cowboy Honeymoon
A cowboy and his gal had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.
He said..."This heerza special 'casion...our honeymoon. We need a nice room with a good strong bed.
The clerk winked..."You want the bridal"???
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied..."Nope...reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to her ears till she gits used to it."
A cowboy and his gal had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.
He said..."This heerza special 'casion...our honeymoon. We need a nice room with a good strong bed.
The clerk winked..."You want the bridal"???
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied..."Nope...reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to her ears till she gits used to it."
Moderator
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 158,569
Likes: 12,040
From: Greenfield, MA
crotchless underwear
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husbands lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizazz to their sexual relationship...and...she finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear that she had seen in the lingerie shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly amorous...and...he was...as usual watching TV...she took a shower...freshened up...and donned the undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the TV and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?...he responded..."Look what it did to your underwear"!!!
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husbands lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizazz to their sexual relationship...and...she finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear that she had seen in the lingerie shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly amorous...and...he was...as usual watching TV...she took a shower...freshened up...and donned the undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the TV and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?...he responded..."Look what it did to your underwear"!!!
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