Not at all except now I am thinking you may be my dad.....

 

Why...is yours' orange too???

 

Massachusetts


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Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Massachusetts . It is so
beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so
picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front
yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This
is truly God's Country.

Oct. 14 - Massachusetts is such a gorgeous place to live, one of
the real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a
multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of
reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright.. I want to
walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white
tail deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the
mo st peaceful creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.

Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine
why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They
are the very symbol of peace and tranqui lity here in Mass. I hope it snows soon . I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night.. I woke to the usual
wonderful sight: everything co vered in a beautiful blanket
of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a
postcard. We went out and swept the snow from the steps
and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing.
We had a snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came
down the street. He must have gotten too close to the
driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the
driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony.
I love it here!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did
his cute little trick again. What a rascal. A winter
wonderland. I love it here!

Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway
to get to work in time. I'm exhausted from all of the
shoveling. And that snowplow!

Dec. 21 - More of that white crap coming down. I've
got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. I think
that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until
I'm done shoveling the driveway.

Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I
ever get my hands on the SOB who drives that
snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't
they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap??

Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas.
I have been inside since then, except of course when that
SOB "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go
anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather person
says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how
many shovelfuls 10 inches is??

Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it
won't melt until the 4th of July! The snowplow got
stuck down the road and the ****head actually had the *****
to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd
broken six already this season.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the
store to get some food and a damn deer ran out in front of
my car and I hit the *******. It did $3,000 in damage to
the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should
have a longer season if you ask me.

Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain
turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main
limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through
the roof. I should have cut that old piece of crap into
fireplace wood when I had the chance.

May 10 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you
believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from
all of that damn salt they dump on the road? Car looks
like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow ****.

May 23 - Sold the car, the house, and moved to Florida .
I can't imagine why anyone in their freakin' mind
would ever want to live in the God forsaken State of Massachusetts .
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr><td align="left">How to avoid arguments in 2009</td> <td></td></tr></tbody></table>

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, " Dust. "

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ' that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

" Yes, " I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long? "
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."
------------ --------- --------- ---
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to
pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, " your eyesight is damn near perfect. "
------------ --------- --------- ------
My wife and I are watching who wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

 

'MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD'
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to Git 'r dun!)

 

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

 

Grandpa was driving with his 9-year-old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "idiot!" afterwards.

 

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.


After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

 

Now...that was funny!!!

 

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out
of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second
thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a
third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door
reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells
the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the
door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through
the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another
sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

 

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! bsp;
(5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you abou t nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can mak e to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at=2 0all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8)Whatever:Is a woman's way of sayingF--YOU!
(9)Don't worry about it, i'll do it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

 

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

3. A penny saved is a government oversight.

4. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be
really good friends.

5. The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement ...

6. He who hesitates is probably right.

7. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

8. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't
met everybody.

9. If you can smile when things go wrong , you have
someone in mind to blame.

10. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can
tell when he's really in trouble.

11. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For
example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt

12. Did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it
spells 'Theirs.'

13. Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

14. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

15. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to
know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't
paved.

16. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra..

17. You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or
leaks.

18. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

19. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then , you forget to
pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

 

1.
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes
of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she
applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But
Gramma,
you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!' I will probably never
put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper
good-bye...



2. My young grandson called the other day to wish
me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.'
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'




3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience
grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into
their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she
left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
'Who was THAT?'



4. A grandmother was telling her little
granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate
outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a
tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries
in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At
last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'



5.
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know
how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo and I said,
'No, how are we alike?'' You're both old,' he replied.



6. A
little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's computer. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?'
he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.



7.
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it
was. She would tell me and was always correct.
It was fun for me, so
I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I
think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'




8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did,
Billy whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming
after us with flashlights.'



9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm
not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'Mine says
I'm four to six.'




10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies? ''It's
simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'




11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said
a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you
know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy
confidently. 'It means carrying
a child.'



12. A nursery
school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day
when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck
was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,'
said another, 'He's just for good luck.' A third child brought the
argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find
the fire hydrants.'

 

(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)



Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their
own. They like other people's.



A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!



Grandparents
don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they
drive us to the shops and give us money.






When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty
leaves and caterpillars.



They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also
why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'



They don't say, 'Hurry up.'



Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.



They wear glasses and funny underwear.



They can take their teeth and gums out.



Grandparents don't have to be smart.



They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How
come dogs chase cats?'



When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for
the same story over again.



Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't
have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend
time with us.



They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say
prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.



A
6-year old was asked where his grandma lived. he said she
lives at the airport, ad when we want her, we just go get her. When
we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.








Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I
don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!



It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame
their dog.