humor....
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Elder User
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From: south shore massachusetts
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
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Elder User
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From: south shore massachusetts
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
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From: Greenfield, MA
A guy and gal had been dating for about a month. The relationship was starting to get serious. One night they were discussing getting intimate when the gal confessed that things weren't quite as they appeared. She revealed that the bra she was wearing was enhanced to make her breasts appear much larger than they really were.
Relieved...the guy said he had something to confess also. Down there...he was like a baby boy!!!
Both agreed that the revelations weren't anything to be concerned with...and...they decided to proceed with their physical relationship.
The gal went into the bathroom to undress...and sure enough...when she came out she was flatter than a board. Her guy assured her that she was beautiful...and...then he pulled aside the blanket to reveal his naked self. Upon seeing the...ahem...member...in question...the gal fainted dead away.
The guy jumped out of bed and helped her back to consciousness. "I thought you said you were like a baby boy down there" she said. He replied..."I am...
Are you ready for this???
Eight pounds and twenty one inches"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Relieved...the guy said he had something to confess also. Down there...he was like a baby boy!!!
Both agreed that the revelations weren't anything to be concerned with...and...they decided to proceed with their physical relationship.
The gal went into the bathroom to undress...and sure enough...when she came out she was flatter than a board. Her guy assured her that she was beautiful...and...then he pulled aside the blanket to reveal his naked self. Upon seeing the...ahem...member...in question...the gal fainted dead away.
The guy jumped out of bed and helped her back to consciousness. "I thought you said you were like a baby boy down there" she said. He replied..."I am...
Are you ready for this???
Eight pounds and twenty one inches"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Elder User
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From: south shore massachusetts
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From: south shore massachusetts
Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler
December 8 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the
wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the
window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt
like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for
the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the
snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and
closed
in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life!
December 12
The sun has melte d all our lovely snow. Such a
disap pointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll
definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas
would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end
of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't
think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's
our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The
wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the
driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came
back this afternoon and buried everything again. ! I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but
I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't
huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked th e freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the
electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in
Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed
for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try
not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove,
but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I
can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
room.
December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the
damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The
damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid
to shovel, but they said they're too b usy playing hockey. I
think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around
to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might
have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill
me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches
of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold, it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all
dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to ****. By
the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was
too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his
truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy.
I think the butt hole is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tel l me to do that a
month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch
the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him
through the snow by his ***** and beat him to death with my
broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits
for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street
at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where
I've
just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy
watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop
tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood
boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came
by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my
shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a
fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life"
one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was
all20HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came
after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400
to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The WITCH is
driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How
dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is
suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I
gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow
shovel u p his ***. The wife went home to her mother. Nine
more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 158,527
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From: Greenfield, MA
This guy wakes up one morning...heads to the bathroom for his morning squirt. You can imagine his horror when he saw that his masculinity was orange!!!
He immediately scheduled an appointment with his doctor. Upon arriving at the doctors office he was ushered into an exam room...told to strip and put on the paper gown and wait for the doctor.
The doctor came in...examined the member in question...drew some blood...and confessed that he was baffled...but would surely be able to get to the bottom of the situation once the blod test results came back. Another appointment was scheduled for the next day.
The doctor and the guy meet again in the docs office...and the doctor admits that he is unable to come up with an answer. All the blood tests came back normal.
"What do you do for a living" the doc asked. The guy replied..."I'm retired...I was an accountant". "Did you ever come in contact with any chemicals...maybe while you were doing yard work or something"??? "No...I've never handled chemicals" the guy replies.
"Well...what do you do all day"???
"Not much...I just sit around the house all day watching **** and eating Cheetos"!!!
He immediately scheduled an appointment with his doctor. Upon arriving at the doctors office he was ushered into an exam room...told to strip and put on the paper gown and wait for the doctor.
The doctor came in...examined the member in question...drew some blood...and confessed that he was baffled...but would surely be able to get to the bottom of the situation once the blod test results came back. Another appointment was scheduled for the next day.
The doctor and the guy meet again in the docs office...and the doctor admits that he is unable to come up with an answer. All the blood tests came back normal.
"What do you do for a living" the doc asked. The guy replied..."I'm retired...I was an accountant". "Did you ever come in contact with any chemicals...maybe while you were doing yard work or something"??? "No...I've never handled chemicals" the guy replies.
"Well...what do you do all day"???
"Not much...I just sit around the house all day watching **** and eating Cheetos"!!!
Postmaster
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 4,004
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From: North of Boston MA
There, fixed it for you.